I think dsd is going to ask to move in, advice needed

[WildFlowerBees]

Firstly, I want to get this right. I have been a step parent for 17 years, no issues with her mum anymore and whilst growing up was tough for all of us, she was quite violent in her teens she's now 21 and much better.

Her mum isn't doing very well, suffers with depression and dsd is struggling.

She says she can't talk to her mum as she just starts shouting and she worries about her mental health. She works and has a lovely bf and now lives with her mum and her stepdad 40 mins away.

Dsd stayed with us last night, I made dinner we enjoyed a glass of wine and for once she was quite engaging.

She said a few times she doesn't want to live with her mum anymore and I have a strong feeling she will broach the subject of living with us.

I'm not emotionally or mentally prepared for her to be here all of the time. When she was younger and we had 50/50 it was turbulent. I suffered a lot over those years and whilst I don't want to rehash the past or dwell I'll be honest and say I'd rather she wasn't here permanently.

She can at times be rude to me never to her dad, moody and snippy she's messy leaves anything she has where she had it and generally can be quite thoughtless but I don't think that's a step child issue more her age.

Obviously if she asks I won't say no it wouldn't be fair I want her to have a safe place where she feels wanted and can do her thing.

I'm torn, I know I'll (we will) say yes but at the same time I have no idea how to mentally ready myself for it.

Advice would be great.

And she has the option of continuing to live with her mother and stepdad. She hasn't been turned out. Although I wonder how much of the breakdown which seems to be occurring in that relationship is due to DSD "not being one to follow rules of any kind".

Nobody owes their entitled unpleasant DC a roof over their heads as an adult. It's time for this one to take her attitude with her and move out to live independently.

She's old enough to have her own home now. There's no way I'd have her living with me. And of course she was nice to you - she was trying to get you both to say she could move in!

Just say no!

Tell her she has to pay 100 pounds a week rent, and cook the family meal twice a week and clean the bathroom she uses.
Though I wouldn't want someone living with me if they had been violent towards me.

Sorry If someone else has already said this but if she does ask, can it be for a trial run, say a couple of weeks?

How was she at school when going through her violent stage? Does she cope at work?

It was me she was violent towards. It hasn't been fun or easy and at 14 I did stop her staying over due to her punching me in the face.

WTF have I just read?! 😱 She wouldn't have set foot over my threshold ever again. And if I'd had to be the one to say it, I'd have been having some choice words with "D"H too! That's totally unacceptable.

She hasn't changed, she's trying to butter you up as a precursor to moving in, that's all. You're being way too nice and your H is a shit.

She punched you in the face? Oh hell no.

Do you and DH have the finances to support her and contribute a bit to her own little flat instead so she can be independent?

She should not. completely leave her poor mum.

She was having an all out meltdown over the WiFi and house rules, I got punched. I chucked her out the same day and said she was no longer welcome overnight. It caused a huge row between me and her mum who tried to pass it off as challenging behaviour. I told her to parent her child because abuse isn't acceptable ever.

Dh ex then gave dh grief for stepping in and supporting me which was hard for him because it was his child that caused the issue.

I never prevented dsd or dh having time together, I encouraged him to have dinner with her and I would go out, when I was away with work she could stay but not whilst I was there.

It's taken a lot of effort on my part to move past a lot of things dsd has never apologised or shown any recognition of how she behaved towards me.

I don't spend much time with her now perhaps see her every couple of weeks and that suits me.

I've just spoken to dh and said I cannot do full time I'd have to leave if that happened. He understands, he's not a bad husband he's supported me when needed.

I would just say no. One decent evening does not make up for the years of abuse and upset that you have suffered. Your SD still has a home with her mother if she needs it. If your DH has not backed you up in the past he is an arse, sorry.

Well that sounds good, if he's supporting you. You can both say no together.

The punching is absolutely awful.

But it wasn’t just OP’s threshold 7 years ago. It was her DH’s threshold also and it was DSD’s home for many years. OP has been her step parent since she was four and DSD has been there 50:50 for some/many of those years.

If the mum and dad were still together and the teenage DD had punched one of them, would you advocate not letting her back to the house?

OP, definitely get ahead of this with your DH and discuss what else you could do. It’s totally understandable that this history left its mark on you feeling safe at home

Leaving aside the punching you in the face, you say 'she has a way of excluding me in my own home'.

No way. Absolutely not. You'll be lumped with her for years, miserable and it'll ruin your marriage.

Wow, that is quite some history. I think her moving in and staying any more than is currently happening would be a big mistake and something you will really regret agreeing to. Do you want to make yourself miserable just in order to (potentially?) make her a bit happier?

No, not happening.
She needs telling why, Say she needs to find a flat share.

Oh & IF she comes part of the week, there is rent, there are rotas & the bf can't stay the night... (don't make it too easy.)

I'd agree with this. You and your DH also need to make it clear that any emotional issues she's thrown at you over the years won't be tolerated and there will be a review after eg a month, 3 months etc because it's a big change in dynamics for you all and your needs come first as she has options but you don't
Good luck

Offer her money to rent somewhere

You're allowed to say no. It won't be popular here, but you are allowed to say it.

Do you suspect she was lovely because she wants something from you? (Ie to move in?)

I think at 21 she would be better off finding a house share. Moving in with you would be a step backwards to her troubled adolescence, with a risk of things ending badly for everyone. At 21, living with people who aren't your parents is really valuable in teaching responsibility and basic home management skills.

She can be so lovely, she has a lot of kindness in her but at the same time I've been on the receiving end of some very nasty stuff I can't put it all down to being a child/step child.

I do really care about her despite our previous history and she's unhappy dh knows it too and I don't want to be painted as the bad guy again for having boundaries.

Anyway have spoken to dh he's in agreement with me so we will have to wait it out. I know she was angling for us to offer for her to move in with us last night but neither of us did. I also don't want to be a person that doesn't support someone when they need it. I'm going to be the awful person if she asks and the answer is no.

I like peace and calm she is the opposite of that!

She’s an adult.

You HAVE to say no if this will impact you.

I'm glad you and DH are both on the same team. Hopefully DSD won't be CF enough to ask to move in. And it is CF-ery since she's never ever even apologised for punching you or cleared the air in any way, that's just been swept under the carpet. Good luck!