I think dsd is going to ask to move in, advice needed

[WildFlowerBees]

Firstly, I want to get this right. I have been a step parent for 17 years, no issues with her mum anymore and whilst growing up was tough for all of us, she was quite violent in her teens she's now 21 and much better.

Her mum isn't doing very well, suffers with depression and dsd is struggling.

She says she can't talk to her mum as she just starts shouting and she worries about her mental health. She works and has a lovely bf and now lives with her mum and her stepdad 40 mins away.

Dsd stayed with us last night, I made dinner we enjoyed a glass of wine and for once she was quite engaging.

She said a few times she doesn't want to live with her mum anymore and I have a strong feeling she will broach the subject of living with us.

I'm not emotionally or mentally prepared for her to be here all of the time. When she was younger and we had 50/50 it was turbulent. I suffered a lot over those years and whilst I don't want to rehash the past or dwell I'll be honest and say I'd rather she wasn't here permanently.

She can at times be rude to me never to her dad, moody and snippy she's messy leaves anything she has where she had it and generally can be quite thoughtless but I don't think that's a step child issue more her age.

Obviously if she asks I won't say no it wouldn't be fair I want her to have a safe place where she feels wanted and can do her thing.

I'm torn, I know I'll (we will) say yes but at the same time I have no idea how to mentally ready myself for it.

Advice would be great.

She will be asking you as an adult … so what houserules would help it work for you?

”Sure, but everyone will take a turn on the cooking rota and you can choose if you would rather change beds or do hoovering”

I'd make sure you have house rules and boundaries set up and agreed on before she moves in. It'll be easier for everyone if you all know where you stand and she knows what's expected.

Well, as a step mother, I couldn't do this. Although we've always said to the children that they will always have a place here if they need it, frankly I suspect that would mean one of us moving out.

Do you have any kind of annex where she might be able to live? Do you imagine ANY way that this could work for you?

Has she been to university or lived independently? Can you think of any way you could help that happen? Has she considered living with her boyfriend?

It’s not unreasonable to say no considering what’s gone on in the past. And I assume she’ll want the BF to stay over too, but it has to be a joint decision between you and DH, and there has to be house rules.

You didn't say how old see is but you could offer to help her move into rented accommodation with her BF maybe (financially and practically)? It might be what she's angling for anyway if her established life and work and BF are 40 minutes from where you live.

She's an adult so have some adult conversations about house rules. Maybe agree with your DH first so you are both on the same page.

I actually wish my parents had done this rather than getting annoyed but not telling me why.

At the moment she can stay when she likes but she doesn't ask that often, but after last night my gut feeling is she's going to ask. No annex sadly, I could and would put down some house rules however she isn't one to follow any type of rule so I will then speak to dh and that can cause tension between us.

I never feel relaxed when she's here I can't explain it, I don't dislike her and I would never see anything happen to her but she has a way of excluding me in my own home. Last night was the exception which makes me think the question is incoming!

Would living independently not be an option for her at 21? Shared flat?

I would find it very difficult to welcome this, given the history.

My dsd moved in at 20. My advice is to have an honest conversation and say that there will be ground rules, she's isn't a child so there will be chores to share etc and it won't be the same as when she visits currently if it's full time. I think also you could stress that it's a stop gap until she gets her own place.

My dh welcomed my 2 ds's when they asked to live here full time at 12 and 14... At 18 one moved out and came back. Again welcomed. . But.... they have never given dh any problems. Never had a cross word since we got together 12 years ago. Dc now 20 and 23...yanbu to have massive reservations.. Btw how has dh managed his dd when she has been frankly vile to you?

Sorry, you did say her age: 21.

No, at 21 she can flat share or rent a room surely? Given the history I wouldn't allow her to move in.

Who was she violent towards, OP, and when did that stop?

It's understandable that you don't feel relaxed around as she has been violent in recent years and is still choosing to be moody and snippy towards you.

You said last night she was engaging 'for once'. All of this suggests she is still hard work/unpredictable/rude most of the time?

So if she does move in I don't think this is just about chores and bills - she needs to be respectful. And there needs to be an exit plan (and ideally a timeline). Plus make sure your DH is the one tidying up after her, not you!

Perhaps you need to have a conversation with your DH first to find out what he thinks, how long it would be for and what your ground rules are for her. If she asks, then hopefully you are both on the same page so she can't divide and separate you. Then, if she asks, be very clear that it is temporary but have the conversation together with her and your DH. Set ground rules around shared chores, polite notification if she is/isn't going to be around for meals. Take rent from her. You can always save it up and give back later but don't tell her that. Perhaps a month's probation to see if it'll work and then review at the end of the month. She's an adult, albeit a young one, and has to learn how to behave as one

Has your DH mentioned it to you yet- how does he feel about it?

Once in it would be very difficult to get her out if it wasn’t working for you

I'd say no, OP. She's 21 FFS. She has a job and a boyfriend. She can move out alone, into a flat share or move in with boyfriend. It's utterly ridiculous that she comes to live with you because she doesn't like the parental home she's living in now. It's time for her to fledge, not hunker down for an extended childhood with her other parent.

How would she respond to something like
"We want to be a safe place for you to come to by if you move in it will need to be more as a fellow adult living in community with us not as a dependent child - you'll need to do a fair share of cooking and cleaning and fit in with how we live so we'll need to agree some house rules, and you'll need to contribe some of anything you earn towards household costs"

This needs to be a stepping stone to living in a houseshare with peers. You mustn't make it too easy or comfortable for her.

Many, many 21 year olds are still living with their parents and will be for some years. Cost of living, lack of rental properties, not very attractive candidates for a landlord to pick over others unless they have eg a rent guarantor.

FGS she's 21, she needs to move out!
Did she not have any option to previously? Did she not want to go to Uni?

It was me she was violent towards. It hasn't been fun or easy and at 14 I did stop her staying over due to her punching me in the face.

But it's only right to allow someone to change and to not hold things against them, I'm not condoning her behaviour it almost caused a divorce.

If I hold my hands up and be completely honest I don't want her here full time. Dh and I have spoken and I suggested she stays some of the week with us and the rest with her mum or her boyfriend. He's happy to have her full time or my suggestion he just wants her to be happy.

Her mum has suffered on and off with depression for many years, however dh and I both know dsd knows how to work a last nerve, she leaves everything until the last minute then doesn't have time to sort what she needs.

I just don't know how to navigate this because setting rules etc isn't going to work I know I will feel like my home isn't mine and she will pick up on that which I don't want but I also don't want her to feel she's unwanted.

Maybe it's a blip and she won't ask.

Then you tell DH no, on the grounds that it'll end up destroying your marriage (because he doesn't have your back where his DD is concerned and is being a lazy parent who is refusing to parent and throwing you under the bus instead). She moves in, you move out.

You may as well go right away because the alternative is months of angst and stress before you move out and decide to divorce. Get looking on spare room, offer to show her whatever you find, if she moves in with you then you take a lodger place yourself and file for divorce.

Otherwise you'll lose a decade+ of your well-being (and the knock on effect that constant stress has on your physical/mental health long term) until DSD finally moves out to her own 3bed semi with driveway and garden in a nice area (which seems to be what they all want these days, not prepared to rent or start with a flat or live in the rough part of town, that's beneath them) sometime in her 30s. Don't do it to yourself OP. Enjoy your life while you still have your health.

Something like 36% of 18 year olds go on to HE so it’s not at all surprising that this one didn’t. It’s not the default!