I think dsd is going to ask to move in, advice needed

[WildFlowerBees]

Firstly, I want to get this right. I have been a step parent for 17 years, no issues with her mum anymore and whilst growing up was tough for all of us, she was quite violent in her teens she's now 21 and much better.

Her mum isn't doing very well, suffers with depression and dsd is struggling.

She says she can't talk to her mum as she just starts shouting and she worries about her mental health. She works and has a lovely bf and now lives with her mum and her stepdad 40 mins away.

Dsd stayed with us last night, I made dinner we enjoyed a glass of wine and for once she was quite engaging.

She said a few times she doesn't want to live with her mum anymore and I have a strong feeling she will broach the subject of living with us.

I'm not emotionally or mentally prepared for her to be here all of the time. When she was younger and we had 50/50 it was turbulent. I suffered a lot over those years and whilst I don't want to rehash the past or dwell I'll be honest and say I'd rather she wasn't here permanently.

She can at times be rude to me never to her dad, moody and snippy she's messy leaves anything she has where she had it and generally can be quite thoughtless but I don't think that's a step child issue more her age.

Obviously if she asks I won't say no it wouldn't be fair I want her to have a safe place where she feels wanted and can do her thing.

I'm torn, I know I'll (we will) say yes but at the same time I have no idea how to mentally ready myself for it.

Advice would be great.

Once at 14. Would biological parents really abandon a 14YO that did that, whilst clearly going through difficult times and hold it against them for the rest of their lives? Our job as parents is to support DC and grow functioning adults. Forcing your child to live in a dysfunctional environment for the sake of 'having the place to yourself' isn't good enough IMO. If OPs husband can help set her up with somewhere safe to live, then fine otherwise she should be moving in with him at such a young age.

I totally agree.

I think we've all lost sight of the importance of forgiveness (particularly in families) these days.

I have to say, reading the full thread this stood out at me:

She was having an all out meltdown over the WiFi and house rules, I got punched. I chucked her out the same day and said she was no longer welcome overnight. It caused a huge row between me and her mum who tried to pass it off as challenging behaviour. I told her to parent her child because abuse isn't acceptable ever.

So the response was to throw her back to
mum who’s struggling and suffering from depression (which was undoubtedly contributing to the dsd’s problems) blame the mums parenting and let your dh off scott free whilst the women argue amongst themselves?

You see it so often on here how the father gets a free pass and just gives up responsibility when the going gets tough. As another poster said, if she was both of your bio child you’d have to work it out, not just say “here, you take her bc we don’t want to deal with it”.

Sorry I wouldn't . It sounds like conflict waiting to happen . She is an adult so time to sort a flatmate , house share whatever .

Consider what you would do if she was your DC and do that

I’d say no. Stick to your guns. She’s 21 and can move out with her bf if needed. She’s put you through too much.

@GinnyPiggie

This is why I won't ever have a step father to my kids. Bad enough having one.

@Stormyweatheroutthere

What would you have done if he said no? Leave him? Doubt it.

Agree with @Dollybantree - especially as DSD was 50/50 when younger, just blaming her DM’s parenting for her behaviour and not DH seems rather unjust.

This thread right here is why I'd never consider moving in with someone I was in a relationship with while kids are under 18, and why I'd never consider a serious relationship with someone who has kids.

If you can't treat the kids as your own, you're going to cause them damage via your relationship with their parent. OP, this child was clearly a troubled teen and you kicked her out. I don't understand how your DH could live with himself after that. You mentioned you had to show her her actions had consequences and that could have been done in so many other ways than kicking her out. Poor child, having her own dad choose someone over her while trying to cope with a mentally ill mother (which could well have been the cause of her troubles).

Now her dad should be offering a solution because living with a depressed mother who has never been able to put her first is awful. At 21 living in a flat share isn't a bad option if she doesn't need emotional support. He should be offering financial help with this.

But she wasn't. In the end he prioritised you and that's what he's going to do again. That might make him a good husband but it doesn't make him a good dad. He sent a struggling 14 year old to live full time with her depressed mum. She wasn't allowed to stay in her dads house.. Your actions and feelings are very natural and understandable, she's not your kid, she put you through a lot, you deserve to feel safe. His actions weren't ok, they're incomprehensible as a parent. 14 still very much needs support and guidance and being unable to stay with your dad, knowing he wouldn't put you first enough that you could live him, knowing he's fine with you living full time with your depressed mum, that's a horrible lesson to put your child through.

Well said, @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness - though OP hasn’t said if the DM was depressed 7 years ago, it certainly would have been devastating for the 14 year old to go from 50/50 time with each parent to only rare overnights with one when the SM was away.

Not in any way condoning the punching, but yikes.

My sd has put us and me through some awesome things. If she asked to move in we'd have to live apart, I couldn't be in the same house as her and I would never relax.
Yanbu given the past

Obviously if she asks I won't say no it wouldn't be fair I want her to have a safe place where she feels wanted and can do her thing.
@WildFlowerBees you said this initially which sounds very much like you don't think she feels safe or wanted? I feel for you, it was a lot to take on, but it also sounds like your DSD has been through a lot and her dad failed her. If her dad hadn't failed to support her as a teen, I'd say find a way to support her to be somewhere else now, but he did. A place you live 50/50 is very different to somewhere you visit or come to for dinner. You absolutely did ask him to see her less and to be in her life less and he allowed that. You're lying to yourself if you can't see the difference between what she had after and 50/50. Your actions are understandable, his are appalling and you even blamed her mum for her behaviour and then sent her to live with the person full time who you thought was a bad parent, meanwhile dad gets off scott free and applauded for being a bad parent. Sorry but the more I think about this the more messed up it is.

People saying
"Poor child, having her own dad choose someone over her"
That's because she chose to punch someone in the face.
Purely the consequences of her own actions.

(And indicative of her personality in general - as in the 7 years since she's never apologised - she clearly doesn't think she did anything wrong.)

She was 14!!

Should have couched that better and said possibly depressed, but as you said dad stopping 50/50 is a big impact itself. Seems likely since OP said mum suffered on and off with depression for many years that DSD has been impacted. The impact of mental health issues on kids of course doesn't have to be life changing, depends how things are being managed or not by her mum, but doesn't sound like it's well managed from OPs posts. I have experience supporting a depressed parent as a tween and teen, it changes you and not in a good way. If DSD was dealing with that it could be the root of the violence. Not condoning what she did and I understand OPs position, it's just the father, another shitty dad that was willing to abdicate his responsibilities.

If you cannot deal with difficult teenage behaviour, do not become a parent or choose to live with a parent. It really is that simple.

I would only have her living with me as a last resort - I'd help her explore independent living, room shares, etc. Given the history and the potential clashes over cleaning, boyfriends staying over, etc - I'd be really careful of her moving in.

what is her work/study situation? Can you suggest she has a look at spare room for shared housing?

As awful as this is, we know if she was the girl's mother she would not have thrown her out over this at 14.

She's 21, if she doesn't want to live with mum, surely it is not so unreasonable to consider living independently?

I agree what some of the others have said. She's an adult now so hopefully maturing. If that was my DSD I'd absolutely be fine with it but it would be noted that there are rules to follow (mucking in with housework etc) another thing to note she is 21 sorry if it's already been asked but does she work? If so I'd also be charging rent. Even if you don't financially need it without her knowledge put it in a separate account and when she's ready to move out give her it back to help towards the cost of her own place.

I wonder what the dad’s reaction would have been if he got a call from his ex wife 8 years ago saying, “Katy punched her step father in the face, he says she can’t live here any more so you need to have her full time, Don’t worry, I’ll take her to lunch now and then. Cheers!”

It’s certainly reasonable to consider. Affordability may be a key factor, though.