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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Using Paternity Leave and Annual Leave with SDC

83 replies

checkr · 22/09/2024 11:58

DP & I are having a baby, it is my first but he has a DC from a previous relationship. DP and his ex have agreed to use their AL to split the majority of the time DSC will be off school.

DP & I are disagreeing on how best to take the time off following birth of baby. I've requested he use the 2 weeks paternity and an additional week AL, not only to bond with the baby but also give me some support. DP is disagreeing as he will need the AL to use at half terms and six week holiday.

I'm worried that I will be struggling (if I have a c section for example) and will need extra support. I don't have a support network near me due to moving away from my friends and family to be with him.

I'm aware that a lot of family's will make do with 2 weeks, either SPL or AL but am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Loadsapandas · 22/09/2024 12:00

Congratulations on a baby!

If he took a week’s AL, in turn would you be prepared to look after the DSC for a week, assuming they’d be happy to stay with you?

ChesterCats · 22/09/2024 12:02

I think you will be fine with two weeks PL. Ant longer and you will have to buy in support from a home help. If your DP hasn't got anymore leave, that's it. Either that or non paid parental leave, but it's whether his boss will ok it.

You're having a baby with a man who has children. Your baby will be one of three priorities. That's the way it is.

Spomb · 22/09/2024 12:03

I’m not sure an extra week is going to make a huge difference. I had a section and it was absolutely fine, friends have had vaginal births and had horrendous issues, so you can’t really predict.

Personally I would prefer extra time when they are a bit older (so extra time in the school holidays), you can take a trip together, have a holiday, and they’re not so reliant on you so you get a bit more of a break!

Your partner will obviously need time off to look after his other child so I don’t really see a way around that unless he can take unpaid leave?

Original poster

checkr · 22/09/2024 12:05

@ChesterCats

Thanks for your response. By that logic, if it's acceptable to buy in home help to assist with baby after birth, wouldn't it also be reasonable for DP to use a childminder or kids club for a week in the summer holidays? I'd just like for DP to have time to bond with baby also.

@Loadsapandas I would be yes, I'll make this suggestion thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

checkr · 22/09/2024 12:06

I'd like to avoid it but the only other option I can see is for me to move back with family for a few weeks after the birth. DP works long hours with a long commute and I'm not sure how I'll manage

OP posts:

Loadsapandas · 22/09/2024 12:09

Ah, with your update that would mean DSC would barely see dad for the sch holiday week if you have them?

Maybe unpaid leave is a better option or family member to stay?

Are you sure he only gets x2 weeks? Does his company not provide
more time? My DH got 2 months, my employer gives 3.

Icedlatteofdreams · 22/09/2024 12:16

OP kindly, I would see how you feel. I had a C-section and my ex only took a week. I had 2 DC under 18 months and I coped at home with people coming to visit. I don't say this as a martyr but it was absolutely fine.

School holidays cover is expensive and means DP won't get to see his other child. Can you have regular visitors when DP goes back to work? Or can your mum come and stay with you?

Original poster

checkr · 22/09/2024 12:17

I unfortunately don't have any family members able to stay, otherwise I'd love this. My sisters have young DC in school, mother isn't retiring for another couple of years.

Unpaid leave isn't an option financially, DP is the higher earner. Company doesn't offer enhanced pat leave unfortunately, definitely 2 weeks at SPP. We're unsure if we can even make the 2 weeks at SPP work, may need to be one.

OP posts:

Original poster

checkr · 22/09/2024 12:18

I'm around an half and half drive from family unfortunately, a 3 hour round trip which won't be doable frequently between work commitments and school runs.

OP posts:

Original poster

checkr · 22/09/2024 12:19

@Icedlatteofdreams thank you! I'm anxious in general, I may be fine when the time comes.

OP posts:

Tiredofthewhirring · 22/09/2024 12:20

OP, congrats! You have a partner who actually wants to parent all his children and share the load equally and not just focus on his new family.

He's clearly a wonderful dad and respects his ex. Honestly this bodes really well for his performance as a dad to your DC.

And honestly you'll be fine, he'll be home to help evenings and weekends! Is he taking any of the shared parental leave?

Tiredofthewhirring · 22/09/2024 12:21

I had no local family either, I was fine after two weeks. Second time round I had no DH and was also fine.

You're stronger than you think,

Leavesandacorns · 22/09/2024 12:24

I understand wanting him around longer, but I'm not sure what you expect him to do? He can't stop looking after his existing children because he has a new baby. Like many parents, he needs to save his annual leave for school holidays.

Obviously he can't delegate his parenting to his ex either.

The only thing I can think of, if you desperately want him around for an additional week, is that you offer to have your stepchildren for a week in the school holidays.

Olivie12 · 22/09/2024 12:29

I'd move with your family for a few weeks, especially if your a bit anxious. Night feeds are not easy on your own after a C section, my husband went back to work after a week but still helped with night feeds.

I would have moved near my family if that was an option.

Schoolchoicesucks · 22/09/2024 12:34

Can you use some shared parental leave? Would potentially mean you going back to work earlier as the time comes off the 52 weeks but his company may offer enhanced pay (and you may be able to append annual leave to the end of your maternity leave anyway to offset this). If he took 2 weeks shared parental leave straight after his 2 weeks (or 1 week) paternity leave would that feel enough time for you?

fortheveryfirsttime · 22/09/2024 12:34

I can understand you wanting your partner around a little longer but you are expecting him and his ex to change their longstanding arrangements for childcare and I don't think that's very fair.

2 weeks paternity is fairly standard and if for any reason you need him home for longer you both need to work that out.

If he can't afford to take a week unpaid, can he afford to pay for a week holiday club with you doing drop off and pick up in the summer or half term?

Ultimately, he's right not to change his arrangement for his existing child because parenting them shouldn't change because he's chosen to have another child.

Original poster

checkr · 22/09/2024 12:35

What I'd expect him to do is find support within their families to help with DSC. Both have family local who would be willing to help. I think school holiday care could also be explored, for the sake of a week. Yes it's expensive but I'd like for my partner to bond with DC also. I've also offered to have DSC part of the holidays.

DP can be out of the home for 14h, 6 days a week. I won't have much in the way of support once he goes back to work. This is why I think a phased return or additional time off would be beneficial to us both whilst allowing me to settle into motherhood.

I'm asking he spares one additional week of AL to help me out in what is going to be a vulnerable point in my life.

@Leavesandacorns at no point have I insinuated he delegates his parenting to the ex, please reread the thread.

OP posts:

StormingNorman · 22/09/2024 12:38

Good grief, the baby isn’t even here yet and you are asking him to cut back on seeing his DC.

The thing you need to understand is that your new baby isn’t any more important to him than his existing DC…who he doesn’t see every day unlike your baby.

His leave has already been allocated so you need to work with what you have. Two weeks will be fine. Many women don’t even get that support e.g. self employed partners going back to work after a couple of days.

Original poster

checkr · 22/09/2024 12:39

@fortheveryfirsttime

Thank you for your response. I agree that he should not backtrack on his arrangements with ex, I'm not asking that she parents more of the school holidays. I've asked that we look for support elsewhere so that I can also have support when baby is born. As mentioned, I'm happy to have DSC for part of the time (so that he still sees SDC).

For what it's worth, this isn't a long-standing arrangement. This is SDCs first year at school, prior to this SDC was in full time care for 6 week holidays l

OP posts:

Loadsapandas · 22/09/2024 12:40

Can DH not bond with baby in the 2 weeks? Why will it happen in week 3?

Also, it was my suggestion for you to have DSC a week, but actually maybe DH and DSC won’t want to miss a week of their own bonding.

In any case, it seems DH is sticking by his existing responsibilities, I’m sure he will ensure he is present a useful in other ways.

Edingril · 22/09/2024 12:41

His children should not missing seeing their dad because you are having a baby you knew he had kids when you got pregnant

So the kids will feel they are being pushed out, think of it from their point of view

Magiccarpetforsale · 22/09/2024 12:44

It does sound like your husband has very long working days! Mine has long days too and after the 2 weeks paternity I went to live with my mum for 2 weeks whilst adjusting to the new baby. It was a lovely time, having someone around to chat to, and made me closer to my mum as I felt I was experiencing some of what she had felt when I was born.

Husband missed us obviously but recovered from the sleep deprivation and got ahead on work so it would be easier when we came back.

So I’d go and stay with your family for a week or two if that is an option

Smartiepants79 · 22/09/2024 12:47

I may have missed something but why, if he is off looking after his child does that mean that he is not also around, at home to be supportive to you? Where does that step dc go, do they not come and stay with you and his dad? If so then he will still be at home? He’ll just have 2 children to look after, just like it will be from the point at which he becomes a father of 2.

Asleeponthejob · 22/09/2024 12:48

You should be fine to function after a couple of weeks . I stayed with parents when DS2 was 2 weeks old as DH was going to be out of the country for a couple of weeks . It was more for his benefit knowing I was ok than for mine as we lived rurally at the time . I had had a c section and had an 18 month old .

You are part of a blended family which is tough work sometimes - this is just perhaps the first real example for you when it really matters and you have to put someone else’s DC first and when you are also feeling vulnerable yourself . Your partners DC are still very young too . I think you will have to find a work around which gives you the support you need - that may well be you staying with family if at the time you don’t want to be on your own . Good luck with the birth OP .

Icedlatteofdreams · 22/09/2024 12:54

If he has a role that allows it could he ask to WFH for part of the week for a few weeks after paternity so he doesn't have a long commute?

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