Using Paternity Leave and Annual Leave with SDC

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DP & I are having a baby, it is my first but he has a DC from a previous relationship. DP and his ex have agreed to use their AL to split the majority of the time DSC will be off school.

DP & I are disagreeing on how best to take the time off following birth of baby. I've requested he use the 2 weeks paternity and an additional week AL, not only to bond with the baby but also give me some support. DP is disagreeing as he will need the AL to use at half terms and six week holiday.

I'm worried that I will be struggling (if I have a c section for example) and will need extra support. I don't have a support network near me due to moving away from my friends and family to be with him.

I'm aware that a lot of family's will make do with 2 weeks, either SPL or AL but am I being unreasonable?

He will bond with the baby i his ow time and way. yu enforcing a week that is already cntentious as his time will piss him off and he will be annoyed - not the spirit you want him in for the baby.

Seriousy if you are breast feeding - he is not going to be binding that much any way in the first few weeks. Due to various issues DP was home for 3 days when DC1 came home, then went overseas for 10 days. It was bliss - got routines set up, bonded one on one with DC and enjoyed that time. He then had 2 weeks of paternity leave - I was more relaxed and willing to let him do things without hovering. Did the same for DC2 at his suggestion.

What exactly are you worried about when you say you have concerns about not coping if he isn’t around?

New babies just sleep and feed. That’s it.

It does sound like he works excessive hours but I guess you knew that anyway?

This is tough OP and one of many harsh lessons you’ll be forced to suck up by having a child with somebody who already has a child. I’ve been there and I know it’s hard, you and your new baby will not take precedence over your DPs existing child/children, most will say that’s how it should be and that you shouldn’t have expected anything different but I know it doesn’t make it any easier. Try to enjoy the time you do have planned without being upset about what you can’t have. 2 weeks is a lovely amount of time to have your DP around and you will cope just brilliantly I’m sure x.

Respectfully OP (and I am an SM too) there’s no reason he can’t have his own son AND support you with your joint baby. Women manage perfectly fine when they have multiples.

Also had a difficult vaginal birth with no.1 and a section with no.2. DH worked away Mon-Fri and then DSS was with us when he was home. I’ll admit it was hard but we survived.

This isn't the issue.

It is - she’s rattling on about “bonding” his son doesn’t need to be absent and re my second paragraph an extra week isn’t the be and end all with a new born.

Sorry, I've misunderstood your post

@SunQueen24 I'm not sure that you've understood my OP, please reread.

There's been no mention of his child being "absent" for this week, I am not asking that SDC is not around during Pat Leave. I'm asking that he take an additional week off using AL.

Gosh, you haven't even had your baby yet and you've started already..
Why.. why.. do women like you not just find a man without children?
Your first baby is not his first and never will be.
He has a child already. And has responsibilities as a parent that you were aware of before you got pregnant!
Could your mum not take some annual leave and visit you?
I'm sure you will manage and deep down you know that you will - everyone else does! But you've set your mind on disrupting an arrangement that worked well for a child to see both his parents over the holidays- because deep down you resented it.
I feel sorry for your DSC..

One week will make no difference. One extra week isn't going to help him bond with baby if after that extra week is over he is back out for 6 days a week. If you have issues after birth then cross that bridge when you get there but for the most part most mothers are capable of caring for a new born baby 2 weeks post partum and unless there's something unusual about your baby (hopefully not) they are pretty easy to look after at that age, especially if there are no other children to worry about. I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and I think you are asking your husband to show that he is prioritising your baby over his other children. This seems to be a very common thing when stepmothers have their own children (according to Mumsnet) and I think he is right to refuse to change his plans.

I've also offered to have DSC part of the holidays.

I say be careful with this. When you’re settled and less likely to want him there all the time, you might wish you hadn’t made offers like this.

Sorry - I obviously didn’t articulate myself very well. Whenever your OH uses his annual leave he’ll also be able to look after your baby and support you AND look after his son.

I don’t want to be seen to attack you because I know this is a vulnerable time - but we’re mostly women here with our own kids and the consensus is an extra week isn’t really necessary for bonding. Tbh my DH was pretty useless for the first few weeks as my babies were born exclusively BF. A week off later in the year would have been more welcome.

I think you’ve made this a focus to deflect on some other underlying concerns at a vulnerable time in your life and you’re making it us vs them when it doesn’t need to be.

OP when is your baby due, and when does he have AL planned to cover school holidays!

Don't forget hubby can apply to take parental leave if he needs to cover childcare out if term time - without pay

Congratulations on your pregnancy but two weeks PL will be fine unless you have any major complications that you need help with. The fact your dh is considering all his kids and what they need proves he is a caring father and two or three weeks at home for bonding isn’t going to change that.
Dh works for himself (as do many many fathers) so the only time he took off was the actual birth and an afternoon off, if needed, to bring us home from the hospital and dsc came on the their usual routine. Dh has the closest bond you can have with all 5 kids (now adults) and always has been a very hands-on dad; having a few weeks at home or not when they were newborn has made absolutely no difference (he was an employee when he had his older children so assume he actually had PL with them).

Hi OP, I can see why you would prefer you DH to have the additional week off, but I think you have to accept that he does not have the capacity to do this with an existing DC. I say this as a mum, SM and step daughter.

I would try and arrange for your family to come and stay if they are able to in the 3rd week as a back up.

I do think the wider issue though is his working hours, as surely it wouldn’t feel so daunting for you if he was only going to be out of the house for say 8-9 hours a day, or was even able to work from home in the first few weeks back at work? This is something that he absolutely CAN change, his responsibility to his DC is something that he can not.

I would recommend talking to him about him looking for a more family friendly role. Working a 14 hour day, 6 days a week as a parent is going to mean that the other parent has to take on almost 100 % of the parenting. This will also stifle your career as you will be the only one doing the school runs, taking time off when DC are ill ect. It might have just about have worked with his ex, but now that he has both his older DC and new baby, his time is going to be spread even thinner and therefore you’ll end up shouldering even more of the parenting. I think if you don’t act now then you’ll have years of resentment where your DH is not available for you / your DC.

I think the bigger threat to bonding is his working hours, not a week here or there.

As a step mum it does generally happen that your first experience of a child is more like the experience of a mum having her third, because the family already includes other children. So compromises are made that wouldn’t be a consideration for a first baby usually.

Thing is, you must have known he had DC before you decided to have a child. Would you want him to drop his commitment to your child in the way you’re suggesting he drop his commitment to his DC??

Why is he working the equivalent of two full time jobs?

Have you considered OP, that his commitment to step children might be helpful for your child in the future?

Your baby could easily end up in the same position- becoming someone else's stepchild down the line. How would you like your child to be treated by a new step mum with a new baby?

No family situation is immune from a similar outcome and history can indeed repeat itself.

Worth bearing in mind.

Bumping the suggestion to look into shared parental leave...

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think you are over anticipating the recovery from giving birth. I’ve had four c sections and toddlers to look after each time, apart from the first, and DH only having two weeks of parental leave has always been fine.

It’s also good that your partner is recognising his commitment and agreement with his other children and keeping to that. This will be a difficult time for them to adjust to and they need to know they remain his priority.

Does his work have any option to buy more holiday? My DH can buy 5 extra days in January.

Of course it's hard with a new ba y, but realistically there's no reason why you wouldn't be able to do it yourself after 2 weeks while he was at work. Hand the baby over once he comes home and go for a rest if needs be. DH had to go abroad for 2 nights (work related) when our newborn was just over a week old, we were fine (even though I felt shitty) but at least at that age you can lay them down and you know they can't go anywhere

I interpreted it as the 14 hour days are a lot to do with the long commute that OP mentioned, although working 6 days a week obviously won’t be helping.

Which is why I think that the immediate priority should be him finding a job closer to home. I may be wrong though, it may be that he genuinely is working 80 + hours a week!