Using Paternity Leave and Annual Leave with SDC

[checkr]

DP & I are having a baby, it is my first but he has a DC from a previous relationship. DP and his ex have agreed to use their AL to split the majority of the time DSC will be off school.

DP & I are disagreeing on how best to take the time off following birth of baby. I've requested he use the 2 weeks paternity and an additional week AL, not only to bond with the baby but also give me some support. DP is disagreeing as he will need the AL to use at half terms and six week holiday.

I'm worried that I will be struggling (if I have a c section for example) and will need extra support. I don't have a support network near me due to moving away from my friends and family to be with him.

I'm aware that a lot of family's will make do with 2 weeks, either SPL or AL but am I being unreasonable?

Are you saying here you think that the second wife and new child should take precedence over the children from the first marriage? Because that’s how it reads.

OP, I’m sorry, but you are running into the reality that even though this is your first baby, it’s not your husband’s. In blended family situations, everyone has to give something up. And, of course, everyone is allowed to feel how they want to feel about it/resent who they want, but it doesn’t change the reality.

You understandably would like to be prioritized and supported by your husband to the extent possible in a scenario where there is only one child. But the reality is, it’s not his first baby and he has other commitments. He shouldn’t decline his existing commitment to his older kids. It might help you to understand that the older kids are giving up something here, too. They don’t have a full-time dad anymore. Just a part-time dad they see on some predetermined rota, and now knowing that he lives with this other new baby, and spends bonding time with that new baby (not them) every day.

There’s just less father to go around. Nobody gets everything they want, but a good parent doesn’t drop their commitments to their previous children, especially at an emotionally intense time like this, when they need reassurance that they aren’t being tossed out as old news.

Sorry but yabu. It would be nice yes, but it would come at a cost of time with his other dc. 2 weeks is very common. My dh took 2 weeks and bonded absolutely fine. I had c-sections, with complications after both and no family help, but managed. Yes I would have loved an extra week but we couldn't lose that precious annual leave.

I think the best thing to do is to go with the two weeks but on the proviso that if you're struggling when 2 weeks is up then together you come up with a plan B you're happy with.

You mentioned family being too far from you because of the school run.. does that imply you’re the one doing the school run during your maternity leave? If so, I’d stop that. If he’s out of the house 14h a day six days a week then it’s on him to arrange childcare for his child that doesn’t involve you.

I think you need to try and see it from his point of view. He will bond with the baby in the two weeks paternity leave and continue to bond after when he’s home. It’s going to be really tough on your DSCs to have a new sibling who gets to live with their Dad 100% of the time. Also if he takes that week of AL after the birth, then you will have him one week less during school holidays. And you’ll definitely want time with him home later as well as directly after the birth. You are unlikely to need 3 weeks of 24/7 physical support after the birth, c section or not

I think you’re catastrophising. You won’t need him for 3 weeks even if you have a C-section, irrespective of having family around or not. Neither myself, nor anyone I know (and none of us had family locally) had their DH for 3 weeks. It ranged from no time off at all to two weeks amongst us, and that includes a wide range of people who had easy vaginal births, vaginal births with severe testing and repairs, and C-sections, some with no other kids, some with several other kids including toddlers, small children. There is nothing magical that happens in week3 necessitating someone being there.

I agree.
OP, you have no idea how demanding a first baby can be. Caring for children not yours is a huge commitment.
Do not be offering anything you may hugely regret.
Moving so far from your own support is never a good idea, yet women keep doing it.
Having your first child with a man who already has children is very very different to it being a joint first.
It is not for the faint hearted.
Keep your family and friends close, you will need their support.
Keep your job too.

I think you're building this up into more than it needs to be - I know lots and lots of women who have had babies, 5 extra days at home isn't going to be make or break. For first babies where you don't have a toddler to look after as well, it's really not a big deal to be on your own during the day.

Of course if things go wrong for either you or the baby, you may need more support, but a normal birth, you'll be absolutely fine.

Most women I know find it's later on when the baby is more demanding that they need support

I sent DH back to work earlier than he was planning with ds2 because I just didn't need any help sitting on the sofa, breastfeeding and reading my kindle