Using Paternity Leave and Annual Leave with SDC

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DP & I are having a baby, it is my first but he has a DC from a previous relationship. DP and his ex have agreed to use their AL to split the majority of the time DSC will be off school.

DP & I are disagreeing on how best to take the time off following birth of baby. I've requested he use the 2 weeks paternity and an additional week AL, not only to bond with the baby but also give me some support. DP is disagreeing as he will need the AL to use at half terms and six week holiday.

I'm worried that I will be struggling (if I have a c section for example) and will need extra support. I don't have a support network near me due to moving away from my friends and family to be with him.

I'm aware that a lot of family's will make do with 2 weeks, either SPL or AL but am I being unreasonable?

I’m nervous for you about his long work days - never mind the ex and his kids they are very long days and you don’t have family near by… I “survived” a colicky kid because I had support but very long days by yourself is a massive red flag to me . I’d be more worried about what happens after he goes back to work - as the first few weeks are easy ish then the sleepless nights begins in earnest

The issue is that by taking a weeks annual leave straight after paternity leave, he's losing a week that he should be using to cover his other child's school holidays.

I think you should go to your mum op after your dhs 2 weeks. Your dh has to decide he is going to bond with his baby, that’s up to him, the more important thing is you as the primary parent get the support you need so you can support baby. He doesn’t seem to be home enough to be much support.

You're asking him to miss a precious week of time he has with his eldest DC. If he's a decent Dad, he will say no.

Having said that, 14hr days plus commute sounds incredibly difficult for both of you. Is it possible he can stick to a more reasonable working week, at least for a few months while you all get into a routine and over the first few weeks of (what feels like) hourly feeds and changing? You're going to need him to be hands on and not permanently too knackered to be an active parent.

Ah, of course, I was presuming the two coincided! I’ve no idea why! 🤦🏼‍♀️

The baby isn't even here and your trying to take time away from his daughter, I hope he's of decent enough character that he stands his ground. Your baby will still be there in his AL with his dd, it's not like he's going to vanish with her is it.

Hi Op, I understand your nervousness, especially if it’s your first as you don’t know what to expect.

When is your baby due and how long is your maternity leave?

The reason I ask is because I think two weeks post birth is probably a good amount of time for your partner to be off. My MIL stayed with me for the first two weeks and to be honest I was ready to go it alone after that time, and even after a c-section, I was up on my feet the next day.

It was a few months in that I could have done with some extra support/a break.

Hopefully this will time well for you and be close to the school holidays when your partner is off (as per current agreement) and is able to give you a break and look after your baby along with his other child. I would agree how his annual leave with look going forward, given he will have two children, and look to use that time for extra support during your maternity leave.

Outside of the annual leave discussion, your partners days do sound very long and as a new mum you’ll need to think about how you cope with maternity and these big chunks of time. I was in a similar position and had to invest a lot in my NCT mum relationships and baby groups. I’m not a typically sociable person but I think time with other adults is really important when you’re looking after a newborn.

I'd just like for DP to have time to bond with baby also

He will bond with baby. He doesn't need 3 entire weeks at home for this to happen. "Bonding" goes on for ever. It doesn't happen in 3 weeks. It's happening right now when baby hears his voice.

DP can be out of the home for 14h, 6 days a week

This is more of a problem I think. That's a long time for him to be out of the house. But you're going to have to find a way to deal with that for way longer than 3 weeks.

My stepkids came to stay with us for a week 3 days after our joint first baby was born. It wasn't how I imagined my new baby bubble but that's life if your oh has children and commitments.

He can't be doing much parenting normally if he's out of the house 14hrs a day 6 days a week so unfortunately I think he's right to at least use his leave for holidays, otherwise his ex must do 90% of parenting.
What's the plan for that work schedule changing - is that going to be soon?

If you’re on maternity leave it does leave you vulnerable to him not using his AL for school holidays after all. So just make sure he still actually does what he says he’s going to do!

Kindly op, paternity leave is a modern thing and women managed fine before. My dd is 25 and it was only just invented then, hospitals kicked out after 3/4 days for a c section then so after 2 weeks it is normal to be home alone with baby. My ex didn't take paternity leave (wasn't paid then and us employers basically made it impossible to take even in uk)

Bonding doesn’t happen in 3 weeks. Your child will have the benefit of living with his father 100% of the time until he leaves home. His other children only get him part of the time. A good father would want to maximise this. How would you feel if your husband met a new partner and had another baby and sacrificed time with your child for his new one?

I agree with this. This is some of the things to think about when you have a child with someone who already has children. If he didn't see his children for a week to be with his new baby instead, you can imagine the uproar on here!
Kindly, you just need to get on with it.

If your DH works 14hr days 6 days a week, how will you feel supported in the long term? The first few weeks isn't a massively bonding time for men. My DH found the times when baby was awake and engaging much more interesting.🤣. The first few weeks they just sleep and feed and poop on repeat. What are your plans for the long term if he's working so much?

Why is he working such crazy hours? That's more of a problem than the amount of paternity leave he has - he must be absolutely exhausted.

You're having a baby, I think you're overeacting here, why will you need to stay with family for a few weeks?

With his working hours how often does he see DSC at the moment?

I think this bonding business is a bit of a red herring and makes you seem a bit daft.
His ex and him can’t possibly cover all the school holidays between them as there are 13 weeks plus 5 inset days at least so need to think about a long term strategy unless you’re being expected to join in the cover?
You actually might appreciate him having a week off when baby is older as at points when they go through another stage they’re actually harder work than a newborn. Also potentially in this extra week you want him to have off might be wasted at this point. For my first my husband didn’t get paternity leave I just got on with it as many others do. If you have money to buy in help - do it!

Is time off at half pay an option? Its something you can do where I live to stretch out annual leave. If he could do that he could do a week at half pay after babies born and another week at half pay later in the year during school holidays.

It sounds as though he already has limited time with his existing dc as it is. If he works 14 hour days six days a week, his only real quality time is during the holidays that he takes annual leave for. I can see why he is reluctant to change that and lose the time. So I am going to say yabu as existing children need to remain a priority too.

His ex and him can’t possibly cover all the school holidays between them as there are 13 weeks plus 5 inset days at least

Of course it's possible.

Although Op said they're covering the majority, so sounds like they've factored in anything extra.

I don't agree with the replies. You're only asking your DP, the father of your joint child, to take 1 week of annual leave to be around for his newborn baby. Some posters are acting as if you're asking your DP to bogwash his older child. He has 2 children now and can't just use all his annual leave for one and zero for the other. But the older child is a DSC and so you will just get horrible replies on here.

I’m guessing the third week OP doesn’t fall within the school holidays.

He will be with both children on the holiday weeks though, he's not excluding either of them, unlike the op's request.

My husband worked very long hours too in hospitality so very strange hours and honestly after the two weeks we were both ready for some kind of normality of not being with each other 24/7 I was still in a bit of pain from stitches but it was fine it meant I had to get into a groove with baby and myself on his long days...... don't get me wrong his first double 0800-0100 was a complete shit show but we survived!

You'll be fine you'll have to get used to it anyway if he'll continue to work those hours!!