Bf only talks about our future children and not his current son?..

[Terpsichore24]

Hey everyone,

My current bf who I’ve been dating for a couple of months, has a beautiful 4 yr old son who I haven’t met yet. (I won’t meet until we’re approaching engagement)

I’ve started to notice whenever I ask or talk about his son he kinda zones out of the conversation giving short sharp answers.

also his son had a soccer match this morning and as he left he said “one day” to which he clarified one day we’ll be going to our kids soccer games.
Also he always asked hypothetical questions about our future kids but never real questions about his, never once asked me “what kind of role would you want in his life” “ how do you actually feel about me having a kid” etc nothing. He also hasn’t mentioned how he’d want me to be with his son. I asked him last night on a date how he feels on the days he doesn’t have his son (he splits the week with his ex) and he says eh somedays I miss him and somedays I’m so busy I forget about him. btw he is a very attentive caring father im just picking out the scenarios that have led me to get this strange feeling.

I don’t quite know what the issue is that my gut is picking up here so would love some outsider perspective.

How is he phrasing the questions when he asks you about family, house etc because it’s fine to ask this in a general sense as you get to know someone, but is he saying ‘our future children’ ‘when we get married’ etc, or is that your interpretation from his conversations? The way you’ve written it in your post sounds more general.

I am a single parent, and whilst I’d want to ensure I was on the same page with someone for our long term hopes (dating intentions, like you’ve said) there’s no way I’d be asking them two months in how they see themselves around my son in his life. I’d talk about my son, he’s my pride and joy, but it would be way too early to be having discussions about involvement.

So I guess really ask yourself is he just finding out more about you in a general sense or is he love bombing/future faking.

I dated with intention... I also learned very fast that players will jump on that with lies.

I always wanted to get married and have kids, I had zero intention of just fucking around for a year or two like many seemed to. However men who heard than and almost instantly proposed are the biggest walking red flags ever.

There a wild difference between 'yes I want to be a dad and get married some day' and 'yes, let gets married and have babies, I like James for a boys and Nancy for a girl, they'll have your hair and my eyes and I can already see them playing football' (especially from someone who already has their little 'James').

The latter types are just spinning shit always have something like 12 ex fiances and 2 baby mamas behind them already.

They know marriage a kids where important so think if they said that It would be easy to 'pull' but its like falling for a Nigerian Price email scheme. No one with true good intentions is specifically talking marriage and kids instantly before even knowing each other. General talking life goals yes, but not 'lets you and me do this right now' shit.

I'm all for not rushing introducing new partners quickly, but you won't want to meet his son until you're close to getting engaged?

Wouldn't you want to know how things are with thr boy, if you get on and all?

I'm no stepmother and would probably not want to be one, but from everything I've read here on MN, it ain't easy

Your "gut" is trying very hard to show you something you don't want to see about this man. There is something that is off about this situation. Now I did some pretty intentional dating in my time and I got engaged within a year with my husband - the man I've been married to for 30 years and two children with who still brings me breakfast in bed every morning.

Before I met my husband I met a man who sounds exactly this man - all about the things we were going to do, where we were going to live and he seemed totally keen and committed. I was a bit nonplussed when he married an ex while on holiday without telling me. The thing is that men who seem really keen to fall in love seem to fall out of love equally quickly. I have never forgotten that lesson and have seen it play out with friends who were equally surprised when it did. One poor friend even got ghosted on her birthday.

The other thing about my intentional dating is that it would have taken a very exceptional man for me to have considered taking on a child. I didn't have children so I figured why should I take on somebody else's. I just didn't want the difficulty of being a stepmother. I know it can work out and my husband comes from a large blended family with assorted siblings, step siblings, half siblings and full siblings who all get on very well and he has a warm relationship with both his stepparents but I'm sure it took a lot of work from the adults to get to that point. Do you really want to be a stepmother because lots of stepmother's on here seem to find it very hard?

I remember your previous thread now.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5154166-advice-on-dating-a-man-with-a-small-child

So by the end of the first thread, you were just about beginning to doubt his version of events.

Does he live with his parents?

Two months? Just enjoy dating. You shouldn’t be having conversations about longer term commitments, including children who are here or potential children in the future. Eight weeks is nothing, you don’t know each other.

@Terpsichore24 it was helpful for someone else to link your last thread, this is what you said on that thread “I definitely want to be married soon and to start having kids in the next couple of years. I’m ready for that chapter he also wants more children soon too.” You also said you want kids by the age of 27 despite being degree qualified and working in law…what’s the rush?? You’ve been dating a couple of months ,that’s not the best way to choose a life partner. Not to put a fine point on it but this man has also been married already , he is 10 yrs older than you and his ex wife has thrown him back in the pond pretty quickly after having a child together.

He’s a dud.
dump, block and move on.

You can’t phone in being a good father, op. Can you actually be serious??
Why are you in contact with his ex?

Where do you hear “how caring and loving he is with his son”?

First few comments nailed it. As usually is the case.

.

Does he live with his parents?

I only ever dated men I saw as a potential future husband. I did kiss quite a few frogs (not always literally). One date without chemistry or with a man without prospects was one date too many for me. As a result I got married fairly young. We are still together decades later.

Oh God, it’s you again, op.
How many fecking threads till you see sense?

If you're 24 then sack this off. You don't need that much baggage at your age.

Don't have children with him! You will end up as a single mother whether he is with you or not.

It’s too early for him to consider what having you in his son’s life would look like.

I didn't meet my DSs until I’d been with my partner for 6 months, and even then we took it very slowly - we didn’t start spending consistent time together every weekend, for example, for about another 6 months after that. I was around for some of his time with his son, and not around for others. Drip fed into his life really.

You also can’t really plan for the relationship, dynamic or role you’ll have - because that’s not up to either of you. You can’t force or manage your way into a relationship with his son, it’ll progress however he’s comfortable with and you’ll have the relationship with him that he wants. He might want nothing from you, and at least in the short term that would be okay.

Being a step parent is HARD work (not that being a biological parent isn’t, obviously), and I’d imagine it’s even harder if you’re not on the same page. I don’t quite know how you can plan for the kind of step parent you’ll be, until you’re in the situation with that exact child, and what it wants.

The above obviously also relies on you actually progressing to this fictional/planned engagement and family blending.

Also he always asked hypothetical questions about our future kids but never real questions

I don’t quite know what the issue is that my gut is picking up here

My current bf who I’ve been dating for a couple of months

You have been with your current boyfriend for a couple of months and he's already talking about your future kids. Thats what you are picking up on and it doesn't feel right.

I don’t want to just sleep with random men, I want a marriage and children and I’m dating a man that wants the same. Don’t shame me for dating with an intention.

Even if your ultimate goal is to settle down, talking about engagement and future kids a couple of month in, is far too much far too quick.

This is a man who already has split from the mother of his child. That child is FOUR.

You are living in the fantasy of 'happily ever after' and this is going to be incredibly difficult with a man who already has a child. He can't uphold the fantasy AND talk about his child.

He's not that serious about you. He is trying to sell you the fantasy not the reality in a way thats inappropriate for how long you've been together.

WHY did he split?

This doesn't add up.

Honestly there’s a few things that suggest this isn’t a man you want to be with.

He doesn’t seem interested in his son except for the obligations he has to him. Not sure how he can simply forget and not and think about him.

But, he is talking to someone he has been dating weeks about ‘one day I will be taking our kids out’. It’s ridiculous. It sounds like future faking. Especially, since he is doing all this but has no interest in how you feel about him having a child or considering how you will be with his child.

He doesn’t sound like he is that bothered about how your life will work when the child is eventually in it. That’s not a good sign. It means he isn’t in slightest bit bothered about what impact blending families will have on you or his son.

Excited and talking about future children with you while zoning out when talking about his son, isn’t a good sign. Most invested parents love a chance to talk about their kids.

Either he isn’t a great dad (so not a great partner if you ever want kids) or he is trying to future fake you about having children in the hope of drawing you in more emotionally. People who future fake are terrible partners.

I've read this thread and your previous one OP.

I think I've missed your response to the question of him living with his DPs?

If he is, I presume they are looking after his DS whilst he's at work?

Is your BF staying over at yours on the days he doesn't have his DS?

I don't feel that you realise your worth at all.

You're young and at the beginning of a great career. You really can do better than a divorced bloke, 10 years older who lives with his DPs and doesn't earn as much as you.

I bet if you do have DC together he'll want to be a Stay at Home Dad so you get to earn the money, clean and cook when you're not at work and have all the mental loaf of running a family.

Please understand that you can do so much better.

Further to my earlier message.... I carefully reread your original post. I agree with you, something is not quite right. I agree with others who said your BF is future faking you

Why would you pick someone who already has a child and a huge commitment to them when that’s something you want for yourself?

If you’re dating intentionally then be a bit more intentional. Smaller age gap. No massive baggage.