Bf only talks about our future children and not his current son?..

[Terpsichore24]

Hey everyone,

My current bf who I’ve been dating for a couple of months, has a beautiful 4 yr old son who I haven’t met yet. (I won’t meet until we’re approaching engagement)

I’ve started to notice whenever I ask or talk about his son he kinda zones out of the conversation giving short sharp answers.

also his son had a soccer match this morning and as he left he said “one day” to which he clarified one day we’ll be going to our kids soccer games.
Also he always asked hypothetical questions about our future kids but never real questions about his, never once asked me “what kind of role would you want in his life” “ how do you actually feel about me having a kid” etc nothing. He also hasn’t mentioned how he’d want me to be with his son. I asked him last night on a date how he feels on the days he doesn’t have his son (he splits the week with his ex) and he says eh somedays I miss him and somedays I’m so busy I forget about him. btw he is a very attentive caring father im just picking out the scenarios that have led me to get this strange feeling.

I don’t quite know what the issue is that my gut is picking up here so would love some outsider perspective.

see that’s fine if that’s the case but why is asking them about our future?.. I just find it strange that he wants to know how I’d be with our future children but not his current son?.. if that makes sense

This is bonkers

That’s a fair point to make, I have no right to be upset if that’s the case because we are so early. It’s just been him that’s pushing things forward so fast so would be quite disappointing if he deep down isn’t as invested as he’s acted/told me he is.

but again it’s early days so that’s not something that I worry about

Why?..

You can't stop people posting on your thread, OP.

Why did he leave his wife?

I don’t know for sure but from what the ex says

Which is? And who is she saying it to?

I wouldn’t get serious with someone who has a child until I saw what kind of parent they are. For example if he organises his life around his child, looks after him when he’s ill, and is an active parent on his ‘days off’. But of course it’s right that he doesn’t introduce you for awhile.

Some men can’t be on their own and so plan futures with people they’ve only just met. That is a 🚩

You sound very young. Six weeks in and thinking about marriage!

So you know his ex.

What does she say about the break up?

You’re implying he’s the one being sensible and not rushing, but he’s the one continuously talking about future children to his girlfriend who he hasn’t been with that long.

If he can’t bring himself to think about the role OP will have in his son’s life or even talk about his child’s existence to her, then it’s weird asf to be planning new children in his head that he will have with her.

Jesus. You don't even know him yet.

You have no idea what kind of father he is, having never been in the same room as his son. Maybe he's great. Maybe he's an authoritarian, abusive cunt with zero patience that shouts over trivialities. You have no way of knowing this yet.

Any mention of 'your future kids' 6 weeks in should have you running for the door.

Keep on like this and you'll be back here in two years, posting about your single life with a baby and he'll be nowhere to be seen.

Hypothetical children are so much less trouble than real ones.

I would shut down any talk of marriage/future children and just say to him "Well it's early days yet. Obviously we'd have to see how we worked as a family of three with your DS, at least part of the time, before we considered introducing any further children into the situation".

Because either you have said that you want children or he assumes that you do. He’s painting a picture to keep you sweet.

It seems that many posters here don't understand dating with intention to have a long term future.
It is perfectly normal when two people are clear from the outset that the relationship is not 'casual', to have conversations about marriage, future children, etc. Those conversations can be had from day one, the first date, to make sure neither party is wasting the other's time.

I rather think most relationships would benefit from having more such conversations early on, so you don't get in too deep emotionally with someone when there are big deal-breakers that could have been identified earlier.

OP, beware of him 'future faking' - it may be that he wants the relationship as it is now (especially if sex is happening already or soon), but actually has no real intention of making it work long term. He is fantasising and faking, not living in the reality of creating a blended family with you being a step-parent.

This. Save yourself the trouble thos ones not right.

Because just as @Springadorable said, by talking about his son he is talking about reality. If he talks too much about his present life, you might start to ask questions he doesn't want to answer. It's much easier to lead you down a future fantasy route. He also may very well not see you as part of his "real" life. It would therefore be irrelevant and a waste of time talking about your role in his son's life. There could also be other reasons for his lack of communication. Maybe the set up with his ex and son is complicated and unpleasant. Maybe his son has issues of some kind? Just tread carefully OP. I know you want marriage and children but choose wisely with whom.

Him ‘pushing things forward so fast’ is a red flag OP. Him not talking about a blended future when he talks about a future also sets off alarm bells.

Slow things down. Dating with intention sounds like a recipe for disaster, as you will be so busy looking for the end goal you ignore what’s happening now. Dating mindfully would be a safer approach. Focus on the here and now.

Bit weird to date with intent (and seem very serious about it) and avoid talking about your existing child.

This. Its so creepy.

If a man mentioned 'our future kids' a few months in, you wouldn't see me for the cloud of dust I'd kick up running away.

I've only read the first few posts but, this is love bombing op. And get out of there!

It's so creepy!

There are so many red flags in what you write I find it hard to believe you don’t see them.

It’s absolutely fine to date with intention, its fine to be clear that you want marriage and children with SOMEONE eventually, taking about your future children and marriage WITH HIM after 6 weeks is just him love bombing and future faking with you. He’s the one “pushing it along” is he? Shock.

Why did his last relationship end? What is his financial situation? WHY is he so desperate to future fake and push things along after 6 bloody weeks? Start digging and answer that question. A secure, confident man who knows what he wants doesn’t start pushing marriage and kids after a few weeks, especially when he already had at least one failed relationship that involves a child. You don’t even know each other after six weeks.

Open your eyes OP. This is not normal. Although I’d have ended it with him just for saying he sometimes forgets he has a son. Get that man a dad of the year award, pronto.

And based on reading your update, it's still creepy. Most people get into relationships with the INTENT of a future with the person!

Compatability like 'do you want kids?' conversation is fair. But you're talking about it with this guy as if he's your forever when you've known him 10 minutes. It's weird. It's future faking as prior posters have pointed out.

6 weeks in is still casual dating stages. This guy is trying to rush intimacies that probably shouldn't exist until at least a year or two down the line.

It's such a red flag.

Not necessarily. I can envision a scenario where you have hypothetical chats about what your kids would be like etc in the first flush of dating someone especially if they have said they want a family. It doesn't mean that would then necessarily lead to discussions about an existing child and OP's role.

It's one thing to talk in general terms but another to be specific, I think this guy is keeping things vague as he might not yet be quite as invested in the future as OP seems to be (from a couple of threads). I think OP needs to be careful of believing everything this guy is selling her, and keep reminding herself that she's actually only been dating a few weeks, and what is actually reasonable within that timeframe.

Or,perhaps…has he left his wife !

I'm apparently the only person thinking that 4 year old boys are too young to play in Saturday morning football matches. This made me google it and apparently FA rules are that children must have reached their 6th birthday to play in a match. Does this boy actually exist?