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Bf only talks about our future children and not his current son?..

90 replies

Terpsichore24 · 21/09/2024 15:15

Hey everyone,

My current bf who I’ve been dating for a couple of months, has a beautiful 4 yr old son who I haven’t met yet. (I won’t meet until we’re approaching engagement)

I’ve started to notice whenever I ask or talk about his son he kinda zones out of the conversation giving short sharp answers.

also his son had a soccer match this morning and as he left he said “one day” to which he clarified one day we’ll be going to our kids soccer games.
Also he always asked hypothetical questions about our future kids but never real questions about his, never once asked me “what kind of role would you want in his life” “ how do you actually feel about me having a kid” etc nothing. He also hasn’t mentioned how he’d want me to be with his son. I asked him last night on a date how he feels on the days he doesn’t have his son (he splits the week with his ex) and he says eh somedays I miss him and somedays I’m so busy I forget about him. btw he is a very attentive caring father im just picking out the scenarios that have led me to get this strange feeling.

I don’t quite know what the issue is that my gut is picking up here so would love some outsider perspective.

OP posts:
Edingril · 22/09/2024 06:51

So you have kids with him one day then split up so he will think the same about your kids, why would you do it them even if they are not born yet

Sunflowergirl1 · 22/09/2024 07:02

Sorry but two months in and engagement in head....he sounds awful and you sound over the top. Disaster looming

Saschka · 22/09/2024 07:04

DriveInSaturday · 21/09/2024 16:54

I'm apparently the only person thinking that 4 year old boys are too young to play in Saturday morning football matches. This made me google it and apparently FA rules are that children must have reached their 6th birthday to play in a match. Does this boy actually exist?

It’s likely something like Little Kickers rather than a formal football match - no four year old is going to focus on a football game for 90 mins.

PolaroidPrincess · 22/09/2024 08:19

*mental load not mental loaf! Grin

Wishimaywishimight · 22/09/2024 08:23

I do think it's a bit odd that he discusses your 'future kids' so much when you have been dating a couple of months.

Don't get carried away with thinking this is your future husband before you really know him. I think your gut is already warning you, listen to it.

Concentrationneeded · 22/09/2024 08:28

Whilst I wouldn't expect you to meet DC for a long time yet, if your partner was discussing a future with you I would expect that discussion to involve his DC. How often does he see him?

PolaroidPrincess · 22/09/2024 08:29

And have you been to his place and seen the set up he has for his DS? If he's such a wonderful father I expect he has a lovely set up and a few things planned to do with him, even if it's things like crafts, walks or baking?

TheShellBeach · 22/09/2024 11:26

Have you been to your boyfriend's place @Terpsichore24?

Does he live with his parents?
Where does his child sleep?

BodyKeepingScore · 22/09/2024 11:39

You've been dating someone for a couple of months and you're talking about "approaching engagement"?

Wow.

He sounds like he's a half arsed dad and you sound like you're treating this as much more serious than it could possibly be at this stage.

Cas112 · 22/09/2024 11:52

If your having thoughts about this now, wait till your a couple years in and he's less relaxed about making a good impression to you and you realise he's even shitter dad than you thought

Asleeponthejob · 22/09/2024 12:02

Is he feeding you an engagement fantasy whilst trying to not give too much away about his son - which should be pretty private after just a couple of months to be honest . Just a different perspective

Buyingahouse2024 · 22/09/2024 16:13

You say you're both looking for a long term relationship, maybe he is asking how you'd be with your future children to ensure your parenting styles are compatible? I know a lot of couples that separate after a child is born because one is extremely strict and firm and the other is very soft and jointly it doesn't work. It's actually an important conversation to have to ensure you are both on the same wave length

TheShellBeach · 22/09/2024 16:22

Does he live with his parents?

Norahh · 22/09/2024 19:57

Oh my goodness - you last thread - its like a Swiss cheese.

He targeted you and is grooming you by mirroring your values.

But if you stop and think for a moment he doesnt demonstrate any of your values in actions through his history - only in the words he says to you.

You are a high achiever, hard working, financially independent with a solid career ahead of you and wishes for a stable relationsip and family.

He is a failure and a loser financially, in relationships and in family life. He has no track record of building a sustainable career path, financially he is a mess, with a string of failed relationships, and a broken family unit.

If he was so family focused why didnt he do everything to keep the family of his child together? I also dont believe his timelines for the marraige failing and the divorce coming through. What is are all the little things that are so outing and personal that you cant say what they were? If they were so little why were they not the priority to resolve rather than let the family of his wonderful DC collapse?

Why do you think that you need to say to him that if you find out that any of these details are inaccurate you will leave? That's very odd - it tells me you know he is minimising and talking horse shit. You dont trust him already.

The other women in their 30s clocked this sooner rather than later and knew he was a bullshitter and a poor bet given his track record - so rejected him.

So he has changed tack and has targeted a naive young woman - who has excellent financial set up and fantastic prospects.

He is mesmerising you with the carrot of wedding bells and babies. This might well happen - but you will soon find yourself in the same position as his ex - that you are the only one keeping the show on the road. Then you might well end up a single parent as well.

Or it might not and he strings you along swandering your cash, twenties and your fertile years.

Is he living at his parents and doing 50/50 childcare to avoid paying maintenance - but roping in his parents to do it.

He is a very poor prospect.

Listen to the women on this forum who have seen these types of characters over and over.

Dont let him ruin you financially, wreck your vision, hopes and dreams for a balanced partnership and family, fuck you over emotionally so that you struggle and fuck up you hard earned career.

He does not bring you anything to postively bolster you life. All I can see is how he is going to strip away what you have already achieved and sour your dreams.

Your gut knows this - thats why you are posting - but there is cognative dissonance because he is being highly manipulative with the mirroring, love bombing and future faking - messing with your head and heart.

Look at his track record - thats what you are going to get. Ignore his fluffy words and pathetic lovebombing gestures.

greencheetah · 22/09/2024 21:44

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