Bf only talks about our future children and not his current son?..

[Terpsichore24]

Hey everyone,

My current bf who I’ve been dating for a couple of months, has a beautiful 4 yr old son who I haven’t met yet. (I won’t meet until we’re approaching engagement)

I’ve started to notice whenever I ask or talk about his son he kinda zones out of the conversation giving short sharp answers.

also his son had a soccer match this morning and as he left he said “one day” to which he clarified one day we’ll be going to our kids soccer games.
Also he always asked hypothetical questions about our future kids but never real questions about his, never once asked me “what kind of role would you want in his life” “ how do you actually feel about me having a kid” etc nothing. He also hasn’t mentioned how he’d want me to be with his son. I asked him last night on a date how he feels on the days he doesn’t have his son (he splits the week with his ex) and he says eh somedays I miss him and somedays I’m so busy I forget about him. btw he is a very attentive caring father im just picking out the scenarios that have led me to get this strange feeling.

I don’t quite know what the issue is that my gut is picking up here so would love some outsider perspective.

You are a couple of months in. Throw him back.

🚩🚩🚩

He sounds like a shit dad.

You have only been seeing him a couple of months why are you thinking engagements and future kids?

You've known him for six weeks and you're already thinking ahead to an engagement and future children?

Slow down, OP.

And don't expect to meet his son for six months at least, assuming you last that long.

I think he's being a good dad, not rushing things.

BTW he is a very attentive caring father

You cannot possibly know this, because you're never there when he has his son.

I don’t think it’s a dumpable offence, I think it’s something that’s making me take note of.

I don’t quite know what the issue is that my gut is picking up here so would love some outsider perspective

The issue is that you're rushing ahead to thinking about an engagement with a man you've been dating for six weeks.

Why did he and his wife split up?

I don’t know for sure but from what the ex says, and how I hear him on the phone he does seem like a good father and I also don’t want people to be bias because I’m only stating the negative encounters when almost everyday I hear how caring and loving he is with his son.

That’s not the point I’m not rushing anything we’ve just spoken about these things because we both want a serious relationship. We are dating with that intention.

................has a beautiful 4 yr old son who I haven’t met yet

The child might be a little toerag, for all you know. You can't say he's beautiful if you haven't met him and spent time in his company.

You're dreaming, OP. Slow down.

That's ridiculous.
You can't be thinking about marriage when you've only just met.

i agree, yes I clarified we have no intention of introducing me. The point is he only speaks about our future children and not his son.

OP, a “caring and attentive father” would not say he sometimes forgets about his son, he would talk to you about what role you would play, he would envisage a future with his son, would talk about what his son might do for a job, or fantasise about him being a professional football player, etc etc. He simply cannot do the things you describe and be caring and attentive - whatever good things he does are simply cancelled out by the bad.

He could be a very good father to your children. But I guarantee you he’ll dump the existing kid to do so. Is that the blended family you can live with?

That’s not the point of my post.

I don’t want to just sleep with random men, I want a marriage and children and I’m dating a man that wants the same. Don’t shame me for dating with an intention.

Maybe he just doesn't want to talk too much about his son in a new relationship, and it's too soon for him to be thinking about what role you would have. If you are enjoying being with him just see how things go, it's sensible not to rush when there are young people involved.

I'm not shaming you @Terpsichore24 just recommending caution.

what kind of role would you want in his life” “ how do you actually feel about me having a kid” etc nothing. He also hasn’t mentioned how he’d want me to be with his son

Maybe he’s not asking these questions because you are two months in. You don’t need to know how to be around his son, you do not have a role in his life.

As for saying that he forgets about his son when he’s not there I would imagine that as many part time dads (not all) do he is able to switch off being a dad so that he can have a casual relationship with you.

He may be looking for marriage and children but that doesn't mean he has to decide he wants them with you just because you're dating. It's still very early stages in your relationship.

Also, if he compartmentalises his son like you've described, be careful.
Because if you have his child or children, he'll do the same to them when you split up.

i agree with the not rushing, he does talk about his son to me, my thing is he only talks about our future kids when talking about our relationship his son is never a factor. When he asks me questions about what I want out of family, a house, motherhood etc it’s only about our future children

I’m not desperate, thank you.
I just explained above but I’d rather you not comment further because you’re unnecessarily rude.

He's future faking, he's love bombing, he's training you to not be disgusted with him when he drops his existing son like a bag of cold sick to have kids with you. And then eventually do the same to you. But of course it is FAR too soon to know much about his son. You probably don't even know what the mans favourite fruit is yet, let alone anything else, after such a short time..

For fucks sake wise up. Get rid.

YEP. Got it in one.

I'd say it's because he's not as invested in you as you think. It's easy to talk about a hypothetical family when you don't intend for it to become a reality. It's much closer to home to talk to you about his actual child. I don't think he's on the same page as you regarding long term plans.