Are we being unreasonable?

[GreerGarrisonWinbury]

DP has DC EOW and half the school holidays.
4 years ago DP’s ex moved 40 miles away to be near her family and the DC go to school there.
DP’s ex has just given birth and she wants us to take the DC so she can recover.
It isn’t our fault she decided to have another baby.
Earliest drop off at school is 8am and latest pick up is 5pm.
If I do the drop off it is 120 mile round trip for me from home to school and then to work.
Is it unreasonable for us to say no, this does not work for us during term time, with our working hours and leave has already been booked for half the school holidays.
We have said are happy to collect the DCs every Friday for the weekend and return them to school on the Monday morning but during the week just doesn’t work.
DP is stressed because he wants to see DC as much as he can but logistically it doesn’t work and ex keeps calling.

Well if she moved the children 40 miles away from their father so that she could be closer to her support system, then she is in the perfect place to call on all the support she needs.

It's unfortunate that the father of her new child doesn't seem to think that helping keep things stable and consistent for his step-children while they get used to having a new sibling is his problem.

Well if she moved the children 40 miles away from their father so that she could be closer to her support system, then she is in the perfect place to call on all the support she needs.

Very good point.

YANBU

Its just not possible to do that and not fair on the kids either.

I think picking them up on a Friday afterschool and dropping them off on Monday morning for the next few weeks is fair enough.

However, it does sound like the baby is poorly and it must be very stressful for the kids and the mum (who will probably be struggling to keep it together around the kids so they’ll be affected even more).

If it was me, I would speak to my employer about having a couple of days off and either staying close to where they live or getting them to have some time off of school and bringing them to your home.

But he can refuse to look after his own child (who he only cares for 2 days every two weeks). He’s going to have to step up whether you like his ex or not.

if the new baby is in NICU they are probably very stressed and going backwards and forwards to hospital. It’s not unreasonable to ask a child’s father to care for them for a week. He’s going to have to let his clients know he has a family emergency that means reducing his hours for 5 working days.

I feel very sorry for this child who seems to have drawn the short straw in the parent department.

Would it be feasible for your DP to pick them up from after school club and the parents/new DP of the ex pick them up in the morning for school?

It'll still be a lot of travelling for them but might be more logistically doable for you, and is also less stressful for the new mom.

Why don't you offer to have them for the foreseeable future? A baby that sick is going to need a lot of care. From what you say about her lack of engagement with school etc she might not object now her hands are so busy. Enroll them in school near you - take back control

In the interests of positive co-parenting could DH WFH for a week/take leave and stay local. Maybe make a weekend of it this weekend, just to help her out?

I struggle to see how someone who does house renovations for a living can WFH.

You're not being unreasonable at all, due to the distance to school and the fact that she moved away.

She rang every day to talk to the kids not the partner? What a strange thing to say.

Our kids (2 + 2) did an hour commute a day from about 7 or 8, I think. Left at 7 got back at 7 and did home work at school. It was knackering but fine. But DH also worked in the same city as school. I worked all over the place with random hours so he did all the heavy lifting. For 5 years all 4 were in one school that helped. Then in 2, then in 3 schools which took longer (left at 6.45) but no longer did homework at school.

How's that going to make her other kids feel, though?

@GreerGarrisonWinbury Maybe this is a good opportunity for your DP to say he will take the children full time and she can have EOW again.

You're getting a rough time here but if mum was here telling everyone she was sending her kids to their dad for a week 40 miles away when her new baby came home, (with her new bf of 14 months), when her parents lived nearby and the school was across the street, I doubt there would be much support for her at all.

If you can WFH a couple of days, could you do the Thursday and Friday? Pick the kids up on Wednesday after school and keep them until Monday? Just call them in sick to school for the two days. It's not the full week but it's close, especially if GP could do the first couple of days of the week.

They would get extra time with their dad and no massive commutes. If mum doesn't like the calling in sick, how can she know they didn't vomit on Wed night?

What rubbish! Mum moves to suit her, not the children. Mum has another child to suit her. Mum now wants ex to look after them to suit her.
The children would have been better off staying near dad. Children may or may not have wanted a sibling. I doubt children want to be made to leave for a week so mum can focus on the new baby. They’d be better bonding as a new family and seeing dad as they currently do.
This is not a man who has abandoned his children and a poor poor woman is left with no choices etc. This is a woman doing what suits her.

also, this is for his kids- not their mother. His mother may be too exhausted, overwhelmed from childbirth to give them the best care. Why shouldn’t they spent it with their other parent?

Honestly, that’s probably one of the worst thing to do to them.
Here is a new sibling so now I’m sending you away because you’re too much hard work.
What an awful message to give to those children

Other big issue

What if after a week, she then refuses to have the children back, asking for another week and then another?

What’s the deal with the grandparents who live on the next street - why don’t they step up and help their own daughter & grandkids for a week?

I had my 3rd baby 10 weeks early back in 2009. It was a total shock and an incredibly difficult time. My mother in law took my two eldest who were 5 and 2 at the time. She had my 5 year old for a week and my 2 year old for around 10 days.
Siblings were not allowed to visit whilst baby was in nicu so trying to manage childcare around visiting a very unwell baby was incredibly difficult. I was also recovering from a c section and developed sepsis.
Once my baby was moved to scbu she was allowed visitors and our elder children came back home and came with us for visits.
It's an incredibly heartbreaking time seeing your new born baby so unwell.
I do however think that those arrangements for school are not at all workable. Is there anyway sc can have a week off school?

The voice of reason. An ICU baby trumps everyone else’s inconvenience for one week.

But what about the children? Do you think it is fair for them to have a 12 to 14 hr day, maybe homework when they get home, eat bath get to bed. They would be exhausted by the end of the week.

If we keep them off school one of us cannot work. That will be me as I get paid holidays. But this then means that I have no holiday for half term in October or I trade my Christmas holidays. This is already worked into DP’s plans that he won’t work for this time so it was important to get projects finished before then.

We were going to have them for the whole week and both weekends as it wasn’t long after the baby was due.
People never pay tradesmen on time either and it’s not as if you can just go and take away what you’ve done. So it is good that I have a stable income.

Maybe the mother should have thought a bit more before she moved 40 miles away. If the kids were at a local school it doesn't sound like OP and her husband would have any issues. Actions have consequences.

As I’ve said, he offered 50/50 which would have meant no maintenance legally but he originally offered to pay her rent to stay local. The eldest desperately wants to go to secondary school where we live, maybe at that time she will be allowed to choose herself.

Self employed builders can't just change their schedules, they will loose clients and reputation. Each day the job is extended they loose money and the weather worsens.

She has options, care options of family which she is choosing not to take.

She chose to move away, possibly to end any child care share, wanting to have the majority of time with the kids which in my opinion is a poor move and not the best for the children.

Now she has found herself in a situation where she wants help and she is thinking by sending pictures of her poorly child it will manipulate her ex into dropping everything when she clicks her fingers to have his children, and loose income as a result

Totally agree. It's obviously a very stressful time for their mum, but sidelining her older children in this way isn't fair on them imho.

Funny I was going to say why isn't her partner stepping up, but then I realised it's not his kid. Feel sorry for these poor step kids that are seen as a bother to everyone