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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Bitter ex

131 replies

Sarahbrown23 · 26/08/2024 17:20

Hi all,

after years at court fighting for my partners two girls for more access and after vile accusations from her we have had the two girls every other weekend for around 12 months. My partner had recently started a new job where now one weekend out the 4 we have the girls he has to work on the Saturday. He is here on the Sunday. Therefore on the Saturday I’m here at home with the girls and we always go out for the day. My partners ex had now found out and had threatened to not allow my partner to see his girls if he isn’t present! (We have been together 8 years). I’m pretty sure if we went back to court the judge would agree with us that is when the girls are in our care it’s up to us who looks after them….surely she can’t carry on dictating?! Any advice would be great if you’ve been in similar circumstances. Thanks xx

OP posts:
InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 18:48

@Sunshineonarainyday111 I don't view it as the logical solution at all. The children would have to be returned Saturday morning (on the basis that he had them from Friday) and then brought back on Saturday evening. Should the mother be responsible for all this transporting back and forth? Do you not think all this is rather disruptive and not really thinking about the children?

Sunshineonarainyday111 · 27/08/2024 18:52

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 18:48

@Sunshineonarainyday111 I don't view it as the logical solution at all. The children would have to be returned Saturday morning (on the basis that he had them from Friday) and then brought back on Saturday evening. Should the mother be responsible for all this transporting back and forth? Do you not think all this is rather disruptive and not really thinking about the children?

But you're adding in the Fridays scenario!
Even the OP hasn't said that the girls see their Dad on a Friday night too, as, like a previous poster said, the OP would surely have mentioned that.

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 18:53

@Sunshineonarainyday111 the OP mentions that her DP is at home on the Sunday so it would just be the Saturday she would be looking after the children. On that basis, should the mother bring the children over Saturday evening then?

Pantaloons99 · 27/08/2024 18:59

OP I kind of get it. I am a bio mum but not main carer in any way as I have many health challenges.

If the kids were with you all the time it wouldn't really matter. It's great you are involved and do things with them.

But the kids ultimately need to spend time with their dad. Holidays and trips - yes kids will always jump at it but they need and probably
just want to spend time with him.

I'd find this difficult to deal with myself ( based on the low frequency of time spent together).

It's a tough one as it sounds like there are a great deal of issues bubbling under the surface regards relationship with the ex. She might be pretty unwell if that's her lifestyle. It happened to me.

PrawnAgain · 27/08/2024 19:12

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 18:48

@Sunshineonarainyday111 I don't view it as the logical solution at all. The children would have to be returned Saturday morning (on the basis that he had them from Friday) and then brought back on Saturday evening. Should the mother be responsible for all this transporting back and forth? Do you not think all this is rather disruptive and not really thinking about the children?

So then swap the whole weekend? It's not rocket science.

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 19:17

I think people are putting emotion into this rather than looking at the legalities of it. The order states that the children are in the father's care for the Saturday in question. Father can delegate that care to anyone he deems responsible enough.

If the mother wants to change arrangements then she is going to have to apply to the court to do so. OPs partner doesn't have to change anything. The order is in place for a reason.

Sunshineonarainyday111 · 27/08/2024 19:31

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 18:53

@Sunshineonarainyday111 the OP mentions that her DP is at home on the Sunday so it would just be the Saturday she would be looking after the children. On that basis, should the mother bring the children over Saturday evening then?

You seem to be trying your hardest to find everything not agreeable to the OP problematic.
Now you realise Fridays aren't to be factored in, you appear to be finding another problem. Firstly, why should the mother 'bring the children over'?, it's up to their dad to do that.
Secondly, why not change the actual weekends? Everyone is a happy then, It's not that deep.

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 19:33

@Sunshineonarainyday111 If the mother wants the change then she should do the running about.

The father shouldn't have to exchange weekends. He's following the court order and doing nothing wrong.

Pantaloons99 · 27/08/2024 19:38

@InkyPinkyPonky24 yes that's a totally valid observation and answers the question.

I think some of us are thinking ' this situation isn't great for the kids, there's more going on obviously - is there a way round this issue in terms of negative impact on the kids'.

Not what OP asked for - but I like that MN can encourage people to just evaluate their own choices and work on what they can do to make things better for everyone.

Sunshineonarainyday111 · 27/08/2024 19:39

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 19:33

@Sunshineonarainyday111 If the mother wants the change then she should do the running about.

The father shouldn't have to exchange weekends. He's following the court order and doing nothing wrong.

I think you'll find that if it comes to it that they end up back in Court, the Court will NOT agree to the OP being a sole carer on a REGULAR basis, whilst her partner is at work and the Children's actual mother wants to, and is prepared to look after her own children.
The Court will alter arrangements as it's sees fit, to suit the needs of the Children.

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 19:43

@Sunshineonarainyday111 i have a completely different viewpoint. In my professional experience, the court would be unlikely to alter these arrangements based on the facts the OP has stated. Courts are very much in favour of the status quo and it is a strong argument.

Sunshineonarainyday111 · 27/08/2024 19:55

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 19:43

@Sunshineonarainyday111 i have a completely different viewpoint. In my professional experience, the court would be unlikely to alter these arrangements based on the facts the OP has stated. Courts are very much in favour of the status quo and it is a strong argument.

Let's agree to disagree then. I don't think the OP stands a chance personally, even if she was officially a Stepmother.

CultOfRamen · 27/08/2024 20:00

Sarahbrown23 · 26/08/2024 18:19

He had them every Tuesday after school too. He’s had to take a new job where unfortunately he had to work one Saturday in the 4 weekend days a month he had them. She doesn’t work and us on benefits. I’m sure she would moan if he stopped working!!

Didn’t take long to start the benefits bashing.
everyone agree with me- she’s poor and lazy!!

twohotwaterbottles · 27/08/2024 20:10

Why doesn't he just swap the weekend pattern with the ex so the Saturday working doesn't fall on his weekend?

PrawnAgain · 27/08/2024 20:53

The clear and obvious solution. The whole situation is the ridiculous.

NoDivorcesIn99 · 27/08/2024 21:14

Hi OP

I would adhere to the court order. If the ex refuses to make the girls available for the court ordered contact, take it back to court for enforcement.

Sunshineonarainyday111 · 27/08/2024 22:14

It's astonishing that the OP and certain posters are clearly of the opinion that the Court will award that the OP can care for the girls for the day regularly. Yes, it might've been different if the girls stayed at their dad's on the Friday night before the Saturday he's agreed to work, as they would already be at their dad's house, but no Court is going to direct that the Mother shall make the children available for the OP to look after.
Whilst the father hasn't legally broken any child arrangements order, he's still altered the terms of it I'm sure, as had the Magistrates been aware he would be working every other Saturday, they would've either changed the weekend dates or directed for the children to go on the Sunday.

Spirallingdownwards · 27/08/2024 23:11

Sunshineonarainyday111 · 27/08/2024 18:52

But you're adding in the Fridays scenario!
Even the OP hasn't said that the girls see their Dad on a Friday night too, as, like a previous poster said, the OP would surely have mentioned that.

Show quote history

A standard every other weekend order starts Friday pm and ends Sunday pm or Monday am. So therefore it is more likely you are removing the Friday from your scenario!

Spirallingdownwards · 27/08/2024 23:12

Sunshineonarainyday111 · 27/08/2024 22:14

It's astonishing that the OP and certain posters are clearly of the opinion that the Court will award that the OP can care for the girls for the day regularly. Yes, it might've been different if the girls stayed at their dad's on the Friday night before the Saturday he's agreed to work, as they would already be at their dad's house, but no Court is going to direct that the Mother shall make the children available for the OP to look after.
Whilst the father hasn't legally broken any child arrangements order, he's still altered the terms of it I'm sure, as had the Magistrates been aware he would be working every other Saturday, they would've either changed the weekend dates or directed for the children to go on the Sunday.

I am guessing that is because some of us are actually lawyers.

Sunshineonarainyday111 · 27/08/2024 23:25

Spirallingdownwards · 27/08/2024 23:11

A standard every other weekend order starts Friday pm and ends Sunday pm or Monday am. So therefore it is more likely you are removing the Friday from your scenario!

Show quote history

That depends if the OP's partner has asked the court for Friday nights access. It appears he doesn't see his children on a Friday, or the OP would've said that already. So I'm not removing the Friday, as it was never included in the first place!

NoDivorcesIn99 · 27/08/2024 23:33

It would be unusual for weekend contact to start on the Saturday.

Babycatsmummy · 27/08/2024 23:48

piscofrisco · 27/08/2024 05:54

@InkyPinkyPonky24 because this is Mumsnet and it's a dad we're talking about.

It's not just for mums though. It's for parents. And the poster is right. Why should the Dad get penalised for wanting a better job to provide more for his children? But if the shoe is on the other foot and the mum did it she'd be a hero for providing for her children.

It's definitely double standards

DelphiniumBlue · 28/08/2024 00:47

If DP has to work some Saturdays, why can't he work on the ones when he doesn't have his children?
If his work can't offer any flexibility, then change the weekends when he has the children. The Ex is saying she wants him to be the one looking after them on those weekends, so presumably she will agree to a revised schedule. As she is not working, presumably it won't be a problem.
It's up to DP to be flexible here, he's the one who changed his work pattern. He could do a job that doesn't involve working on the weekends that he has his children.

And OP, it's quite hard to believe that the children's Mum has never taken them to a park or anywhere else. Are you saying that she is neglecting the children? It may be that her style of parenting is different from yours, or it maybe that the children's standard answer to " What did you do last weekend?" is "nothing."

I once I asked a child what she did in the holidays, and her response was that they did nothing, "it was so boring"! And that just wasn't true, it transpired she'd been on 3 separate holidays over the summer. Most parents on here will tell you that the bog standard reply to "what did you do at school today?" is " Nothing".
Children of separated parents often find it easier not talk about their other home, they don't want to be questioned or interrogated or have passing comments used as ammunition against the other parent.

Sunshineonarainyday111 · 28/08/2024 06:48

DelphiniumBlue · 28/08/2024 00:47

If DP has to work some Saturdays, why can't he work on the ones when he doesn't have his children?
If his work can't offer any flexibility, then change the weekends when he has the children. The Ex is saying she wants him to be the one looking after them on those weekends, so presumably she will agree to a revised schedule. As she is not working, presumably it won't be a problem.
It's up to DP to be flexible here, he's the one who changed his work pattern. He could do a job that doesn't involve working on the weekends that he has his children.

And OP, it's quite hard to believe that the children's Mum has never taken them to a park or anywhere else. Are you saying that she is neglecting the children? It may be that her style of parenting is different from yours, or it maybe that the children's standard answer to " What did you do last weekend?" is "nothing."

I once I asked a child what she did in the holidays, and her response was that they did nothing, "it was so boring"! And that just wasn't true, it transpired she'd been on 3 separate holidays over the summer. Most parents on here will tell you that the bog standard reply to "what did you do at school today?" is " Nothing".
Children of separated parents often find it easier not talk about their other home, they don't want to be questioned or interrogated or have passing comments used as ammunition against the other parent.

I doubt very much you'll get an answer from the OP about changing the weekends, she's been asked a number of times. It appears that she'd rather the Mum go through the stress of more Court proceedings than to make life easier for her and just swap the days.
As for her saying the Mum never takes them to a park even, it just comes across as she's deliberately trying to make her look like a crap Mum unfairly.

Shoesshoes87 · 28/08/2024 10:57

I’m going to say a bit from experience here - and I know every situation is different…
but there have been many times when my DH has us to work and I’ve been in some care of the kids. He discussed job charge with their mother and she agreed it was for the best as also meant more money for her. Some of these days she was also working and there was origainally no official agreement on days so technically nobody could argue about that. She had also changed her days about at times.
their mother admitted that initially this was difficult and she did not like me having them but after a while she thought it and realised they enjoyed spending time with me and she would rather they were with someone who lived and cared for them that they loved too, rather than someone they hated or who didn’t care or wasn’t nice.
she also came to realise she appreciated the things I did with them - she, and DH in fact, are really not into anything art, craft & Lego which I do like so when alone with the kids we take advantage of doing all these things that they love too so basically it suits everyone.
their mother is thankful I do all these messy things with them too and that they get these experiences. Their mother does plenty other things with them and they are very open to trying new things.
and with regard to the times I have the kids and she is also not working -in the past hey we’re back and forth a lot but in the end mum and dad realised this was actually disruptive to these kids in particular and they felt they were being bounced around and when given the choice the kids would rather just stay in one house for the weekend.
their mother has a partner now for a while too who the kids also love, and the situation is sometimes reversed ie he has the kids alone at times too. He also brings different experiences.
I realise we are in lucky position where everyone gets on but basically in our situation realised it was good for the kids to enjoy being around their step parents and having time with them too and feeling settled in one place at a time.
but if course it’s different for everyone, I just think it is not so simple to assume it is not in kids best interest with their step parents/ ( or like a step parent being in their lives for 8 years)