Bitter ex

[Sarahbrown23]

Hi all,

after years at court fighting for my partners two girls for more access and after vile accusations from her we have had the two girls every other weekend for around 12 months. My partner had recently started a new job where now one weekend out the 4 we have the girls he has to work on the Saturday. He is here on the Sunday. Therefore on the Saturday I’m here at home with the girls and we always go out for the day. My partners ex had now found out and had threatened to not allow my partner to see his girls if he isn’t present! (We have been together 8 years). I’m pretty sure if we went back to court the judge would agree with us that is when the girls are in our care it’s up to us who looks after them….surely she can’t carry on dictating?! Any advice would be great if you’ve been in similar circumstances. Thanks xx

I agree with this sadly.

Why would you choose to spend your Saturday babysitting somebody else's children? Doesn't that get in the way of your hobbies or meeting up with your friends?

Do you and this current boyfriend actually live together or do you go over and babysit?

His ex wife probably doesn't want the current girlfriend looking after her own children when she as their parent could have them. He should simply have them after he has finished the new job he took so he wouldn't be there with them.

I think the ex wife is in the right to not want the current girlfriend to look after the children. She is probably angry that he took her to court and all the obvious stress your boyfriend put her through only to casually give up one of the days he fought her for.

He was court ordered to have them for a very short time, do you know why it wasn't more? More would have been fairer if he really wanted to have them.

Would it not make more sense for him to swap the day rather than have you babysitting? It seems odd to doggedly stick to a contact pattern when he can't even see them. It's unfair on you too as you're now default childcare.

My partners ex raised this gripe with us awhile back following a long court battle for my husband to have consistent time with children.

The thing is, as a step parent and parent I kind of get both sides. I know the children, they are happy with me, it's consistency and now I am the mother of their half sibling so a day with me without their dad is a day with their sister too.
I also knew her intentions were just to be bitter because the reality is that on her time her children were passed between her parents, friends and multiple boyfriends. And it made my husband feel shit that she wouldn't give him the option to step in but spent time trying to argue the toss about him having them. It's messed up and yes definitely bitter.

Now this doesn't apply to my husbands Ex... but does probably apply to some of the 'Nasty' posters... they may be justified in their feelings because quite frankly I'd be devastated if my child was subject to a legally binding agreement that took time away from me. To then find that the time they were taken from me was being used with another woman. I'd be broken. But I don't pass my child from pillar to post. So, don't assume they are bitter, there are some really awful ex husbands (and ex wives) out there.

If you know hand on heart that your ex hasn't taken custody of the children to spite her or for some kind of CMS break then do what's best for the children. But if part of you knows as a woman that the mum just loves her girls.. then work on your ex meeting her in the middle and giving her the choice on the days he's working rather than hiding behind a court order.

I have first refusal of care written into my court order. He dragged me to court for access, and if he can't look after them on the tiniest amount he sees them then they are returned to me.
If she breaches the order, and you applied for enforcement, she could have that written in if she can prove he consistently does not spend time with them, or contact could be adjusted to reflect the time he actually spends with them.

Some of the comments on here are insane.

So going by some peoples logic, a mother should never go to work while she has care of her children because she should be spending time with them and not working! And god forbid she uses childcare while she works too!

How is it any different for a father who has to work?

Surely he should go back to court & get the order amended to when he is around. Maybe more time during the week ? Seems daft to fight for the right to see your kids & then work 1 of the 2 Saturdays you see them.

@InkyPinkyPonky24 because this is Mumsnet and it's a dad we're talking about.

It's one Saturday out of four that he has to work. Some people just can't read.

Why are men often accused of "taking" children from their mother to spite them or save CM but women never are? Women are never accused of "taking" kids from their father to get more CM. It implies that the children belong to the mothers and kids are not equally their mothers and fathers responsibility.

Whether or not a mother is upset by losing time with her children because she is separated from their father is her issue to deal with. It's not about the mother's feelings, it's about what's best for the children and in most cases, what's best for the children is time with both parents.

My DH and his ex share 50:50 custody of my DSD. The ex has had a go at him because she found out I was doing the school run. DH leaves the house at 6/7am and is home at 4. I work from home so it made sense for me to do the school run and I have her for an hour after school until DH gets home where he takes over. We only ever schedule nights out on the weekends we don't have DSD. My mum's babysat for us twice in the last year because we had a 40th and a wedding. She is not passed from pilar to post on our time. Whereas her mum frequently gets her babysat at the weekends. DSD has even missed school because her mum left her with a babysitter and didn't collect her until midnight so she was too tired for school the next day. She's 6. DH has asked for first refusal because DSD had said she was always having sleepovers and she cried to go home. Her mum said that DSD was spending time with her extended family and it was only occasionally. We knew this wasn't the case but not much we could do. Just a bit rich for her to complain about the time DSD spends with me to allow DH to work when she's never spent a single night not in her own bed on our time, but when she fancies a night out DSD is dumped with anyone who'll take her.

I also think there's also a big difference between being babysat and spending time with a stepparent. I am my DSDs parent whether her mum wants to admit it or not. I do everything a mother does for their child. I care that's she's in bed at a reasonable time and she's had a healthy dinner. I care that she learns manners, does her chores and her homework. I care that she feels loved. That's very different from a random family member who just needs to keep them alive and amused for an few hours.

See this is the strange argument from those supporting the Op to fight the bitter Ex. Pass all the comments that don’t agree as the bitter first wives. It’s so bizarre.
The fact is this argument is stupid. It’s not remotely the same. What it would be the same as would be if the Ex had fought ‘for years’ for access from her bitter Ex. Then when she managed to get a measly 4 days a month, took a job on the very day she fought for.
The acrimonious relationship is soured further knowing she put him through that and then decided she didn’t prioritise that TIME which she fought for at all. The boyfriend then supports her, Writing about how much better it is for the kids who hardly see their mother to see her for even less because they can hang out with him. And will people not think how much better it is for the kids to hang him so she can earn more. Because kids need a holiday more than TIME with their mum they hardly see.
Because yes that would be same argument. Mum goes to work? Mum uses childcare? Not remotely the same argument and it’s just stupid.

He should keep notes and copies of any abusive messages.

Let her spin her wheels. I cannot imagine anything changing if she took this to court. Of course that doesn't stop the threat creating horrible amounts of stress.

People CAN read. The Dad has won an order to see his kids every other week, for two days, Sat and Sun.
Out of those 4 days, he misses a day a month, so only sees them for 3 weekend days in total. Add that to the roughly 4 after school access times on every Tuesday, which I'm assuming is possibly only for a few hours as the OP doesn't mention that the children stay overnight, then the Dad is only seeing his girls for not even 7 full days a month.
Not a lot really is it?

OP you didn't answer the poster who asked you if he could swap his days.

You've also been in your partner's life for 8 years, so presumably his youngest girl must be at least 8. Have you not considered that they maybe don't want to spend a full day with their Dad's girlfriend, and would rather be with their Mum if their Dad is working?
It's very likely that they'd want to be with their parent, but feel awkward saying it to you or their Dad, and so their mum says it for them.

Besides, she's every right to be annoyed that her ex leaves them with you instead of allowing them to be at home with her, she is their Mother after all.

Also. what is the relevance in you writing that she's on benefits and doesn't do anything with her children? It just makes YOU look as if you just have it in for her.

Ignoring the obvious first wives on here 😆regardless of anything else, no, she cannot dictate who has the children on his time.

Because maybe they actually would rather spend that time with their SM because she actually takes them out to do something fun. I know if my DSD was given the choice of spending every other weekend with me or her mum she'd probably pick me because of she picked her mum she'd likely just be staying at home to watch TV in her room. She's been in their lives 8 years. She probably has a really good relationship with them both.

My ex hd always worked a rotating shift pattern even when still with my step kids mum. Before I came along he had them whenever he wasn't at work which worked out at 50% of the time. Once she realised this meant no maintenance as they had equal salary potential she demanded via their mediator that this went to every other weekend. I was on the scene by this point (2 years agter their split) so ex asked me to consider having them on weekends he had to work. I agreed but she then flipped out that it wouldn't be him having them. The mediator pointed out she could not make demands of him, him meet them and then her change her goal posts. I believe thw phrase having her cake and eat it was used.

Ultimately court sided with my ex as for anything else he would have had to change roles, have a drop in salary which would mean he would have been awarded more from thw financial split and ahe would have git less maintenance.

Funny how she changed her tune again.

@Sarahbrown23 let her threaten it and then take her back to court. She cannot dictate who has them on his time.

It’s not unreasonable for him to want to earn more and provide a better life. All the people saying “kids just need time spent with them” clearly haven’t tried to keep a preteen entertained over the summer holidays or in fact any part of the year. There are people over in the cost of living board moaning they can’t afford anything- it’s normal for people to want to have a quality of life and not be told “don’t worry you can just spend time with each other”.

As they get older and want / need more things surely the money won’t go amiss and if he didn’t earn it and lowered the child maintenance people would be up in arms about this as well. Just can’t win!

The most rational and well balanced response I have seen in a long time.

Sadly some parents are money orientated.

My DH and his ex were 50:50, week on week off from as soon as they split. They were never married but she wanted maintenance money and ongoing support money from him because she wasn't working. She was more than capable of working and earning a similar salary to him but chose not to. When my DH refused to give her money she wanted to change the schedule so she got 2 extra days a month therefore making herself eligible to receive maintenance. When my DH said no she stopped his access for 2 months until they got a legal agreement in place.

When my DSS turned 16 and wanted to leave school after his exams to get a trade his mum badgered him to stay on at school. He hated school, had no interest in going to uni or anything and DH had a few different jobs lined up for him in the building and telecoms industry. He managed 10 days back at school before he eventually stood up for himself and told his mum he was leaving. She wasn't happy because him leaving education meant she lost her child benefit. He's lived with us ever since and sees his mum for dinner once a month.

Why are you labelling those of us who can see the ex's point of view? Can't you see how judgemental you're being?
It stands to reason that a mother (or father) will want their children with them instead, if they're being looked after on a regular basis by their parent's partner.

In this instance, it's not just a one off where the OP has looked after her partner's kids, it's a regular thing, so I think the OP and her partner are in the wrong.

And what about what the children want? Maybe they really enjoy that time with OP. Do they not matter in any of it?

But regardless, childcare on the fathers time is up to the father to arrange.

I've already said previously about the children. How do you know they don't want to be with their Mum? The fact is you don't.
It's the most likeliest of their wishes, oh, and before you say that she 'never takes them anywhere' , you've only got the OP's say so for that.

When the court agreed the order, I'm almost certain they would've scheduled the order for different weeks, after taking into account the father's work pattern, to enable his children to be with HIM.
However, obviously the Court weren't aware that the father would later decide to work on one of the arranged days, and, although technically the father can allow whoever he wants to look after his girls whilst the order is in place, I imagine that if the Mum takes it back to Court herself, then things will go in her favour. As they should.

I would try and change his contact schedule or his work schedule, it's pretty crap that of the 4 weekend days a month he has his kids, he's chosen a job that takes him away for a quarter of that. I assume they don't stay on a Tuesday as you've not mentioned that. It's really a pretty paltry amount of time he gets to spend with the kids as it is, without taking another day for work away from them.

Can he not ensure with his new job that his Saturday working is when he doesn't have his kids?

Aware that generally what a parent does with their kids in their time is up to them usually, but I'm another that had first refusal of care written into their agreement... I would be devastated if I was missing time with my DC so that my ex's new partner would care for them. That's really not on and I wouldn't be so sure about court wouldn't side with her.

Long story short, he needs to sort his work situation out, or sort a new contact schedule with his ex.