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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Bitter ex

131 replies

Sarahbrown23 · 26/08/2024 17:20

Hi all,

after years at court fighting for my partners two girls for more access and after vile accusations from her we have had the two girls every other weekend for around 12 months. My partner had recently started a new job where now one weekend out the 4 we have the girls he has to work on the Saturday. He is here on the Sunday. Therefore on the Saturday I’m here at home with the girls and we always go out for the day. My partners ex had now found out and had threatened to not allow my partner to see his girls if he isn’t present! (We have been together 8 years). I’m pretty sure if we went back to court the judge would agree with us that is when the girls are in our care it’s up to us who looks after them….surely she can’t carry on dictating?! Any advice would be great if you’ve been in similar circumstances. Thanks xx

OP posts:
InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 17:13

@Spirallingdownwards Completely agree. The status quo argument in court is a very powerful one and an order won't usually be varied unless there is agreement between both parties or there is a very good reason to alter the order in the child's best interests, none of which I can see apply here.

Lovethat · 27/08/2024 17:14

It's up to him what he does with his dc on his weekends. It's every 4th Saturday, not every week.
So I'm presuming that his ex doesn't ever leave her dc with childminders etc during her time?

Tbh just ignore her, if she breaches the court order take her back to court asap

Spirallingdownwards · 27/08/2024 17:14

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 27/08/2024 17:06

@InkyPinkyPonky24 I disagree that the courts would view it this way tbh, they could probably view the 1 day spent with OP a waste when they could be spending time with their mother, family etc

🤣 Glad the ex has so much money to waste if she tries to go back to court on that basis. I usually don't like titles that call exes bitter but then you see comments like this one.

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 17:15

Op i would just say to the ex that your DP will be following the court order and if she wants it varied in any way then she's going to have to take the matter back to court. Leave her to it.

LikeWeUsedToBe · 27/08/2024 17:19

I think it's the tone of your post that sticks out to me. You use the phrase 'with us' as though you equally parent the girls. You seem to I ply the girls will be better with you while dads at work not with their mother. Wether she works or not has no bearing on if the day is better with mum or with dad.

You also said when she found out. So while it is your partners right to choose who cares for his kids he hasn't told her the plans. Legally she has a right to know who cares for her kids.

Could there be a comprise? The girls go home during your partners work hours? Come back to you for the overnight. I'm assuming it's the loss of the overnight you object to as that's what will impact the money he pays in CMS.

I have experience of family court and after 8 years fighting I'm surprised he's not achieved 50/50 unless there is abuse history or poor parenting on his part. If he only ever sought every other weekend and an evening a week then why? Because it would cost him in childcare? Impact his ability to work? You are making your judgy statements about ex working but if he never sought 50/50 he should be just as judged for wanting to avoid the faf of life as a working parent.

You say you have been with him 8 years. How long were they split before you got together? Was court already initiated then it did he start that process once you were on the scene. You would be surprised how common this is and if this is the case for you think about how much of the parenting you are doing for him. You may be surprised how many dads drift off and have no contact between partners when they have to do it all themselves.

Ultimately court won't change the arrangements. He has a right to choose who cares for his kids but he would probably be told firmly in future he should be informing ex. The attitude towards her is so clear in your post

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 27/08/2024 17:21

@InkyPinkyPonky24 I doubt it tbh, she's not married, she has no parental responsibility, she's not the mother of a half sibling... she's the dads GF

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 17:22

@LikeWeUsedToBe there is no legal requirement for the father to inform the mother of who will be looking after the children and when just as there is no requirement for the mother to inform the father. Each parent who has PR has the authority to make those decisions unilaterally.

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 17:23

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 27/08/2024 17:21

@InkyPinkyPonky24 I doubt it tbh, she's not married, she has no parental responsibility, she's not the mother of a half sibling... she's the dads GF

The amount of time she has been in their lives is significant though. She has involvement and input in their lives.

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 27/08/2024 17:24

@Spirallingdownwards if he has them Friday evenings, surely OP would have mentioned that?

Doltontweedle · 27/08/2024 17:24

Lovethat · 27/08/2024 17:14

It's up to him what he does with his dc on his weekends. It's every 4th Saturday, not every week.
So I'm presuming that his ex doesn't ever leave her dc with childminders etc during her time?

Tbh just ignore her, if she breaches the court order take her back to court asap

Thats not quite the same thing, is it? So she has their children 26 days a month and he has them 4. And on the weekend he has them he gives them to his girlfriend for one of the days? Completely out of fucking order. They have their priorities all wrong, especially with the ops excuses of why it’s actually in the girls best interests that he fucks them off for one of the rare days he has them

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 27/08/2024 17:26

@InkyPinkyPonky24 She has involvement, correct, as their dad has involved her which is totally his right. But input? She's not their SM and has no parental responsibility?

violetsparkle · 27/08/2024 17:26

I can see why she might want first refusal on days dad is working that seems fair

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 27/08/2024 17:27

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 17:22

@LikeWeUsedToBe there is no legal requirement for the father to inform the mother of who will be looking after the children and when just as there is no requirement for the mother to inform the father. Each parent who has PR has the authority to make those decisions unilaterally.

That's no strictly true in all cases. My ex had to legally inform me if he was unable to have DC.

Heatwavenotify · 27/08/2024 17:27

Spirallingdownwards · 27/08/2024 17:04

Behave ! Life isn't that simple.

Show quote history

If it’s important to you, you juggle and make sure the kids come first. He’s got 26/27 days a month to put his job first. Seriously…behave!

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 17:27

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 27/08/2024 17:26

@InkyPinkyPonky24 She has involvement, correct, as their dad has involved her which is totally his right. But input? She's not their SM and has no parental responsibility?

Input can mean anything such as doing homework with them, preparing their meals, talking to them, giving advice etc. She plays a role in their lives and there's no indication the children don't like her or don't want to be around her so I don't really see an issue.

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 17:28

@HelpAGirlOut1234 That would be because your court order states you get first refusal of childcare so it's part of the order.

Usually, there is no requirement though.

violetsparkle · 27/08/2024 17:34

I’m pretty sure if we went back to court the judge would agree with us that is when the girls are in our care is that what the court order says or is it HIS contact time. That's very important

Cece92 · 27/08/2024 17:35

It's a tricky situation. My DD11 goes to her dad's Wednesday after school Thursday and Friday. During holidays it's the same 3 days for full days. She used to stay over night but doesn't now. However during the holidays it's usually her step mom that will look after her as her dad works he's a driving instructor so it's not for full days can be 1 lesson sometimes 2 maybe the odd test. I don't care at all. I think personally it's great for them to bond actually. I'm glad they get the odd day together. My DD is happy too. We don't have a court order though and if my DD wanted to go every day for a couple hours I'd have no issues with that either. I do sympathise with anyone who is in a difficult situation my partner has a court order for 1 or his daughters and the other the mum is very easy going xxx

BigAnne · 27/08/2024 17:42

@Sarahbrown23 your boyfriend should stick to the agreed arrangements. If he needs more money he should get a second job in the evenings that he doesn't have HIS children, they're not yours.

Original poster
Sarahbrown23 · 27/08/2024 18:06

BigAnne · 27/08/2024 17:42

@Sarahbrown23 your boyfriend should stick to the agreed arrangements. If he needs more money he should get a second job in the evenings that he doesn't have HIS children, they're not yours.

😅😅😅😅😅😅😓

OP posts:
violetsparkle · 27/08/2024 18:11

Sarahbrown23 · 27/08/2024 18:06

😅😅😅😅😅😅😓

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If he doesn't want another job you can sign up for paid surveys which can be quite lucrative

PrawnAgain · 27/08/2024 18:18

I still don't understand why the dad wouldn't ask the mum to swap a day when he's working. Surely that would be a win for both parents.

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 18:19

PrawnAgain · 27/08/2024 18:18

I still don't understand why the dad wouldn't ask the mum to swap a day when he's working. Surely that would be a win for both parents.

He perhaps wants to follow the court order especially if his and his exes coparenting relationship has been strained.

Sunshineonarainyday111 · 27/08/2024 18:45

PrawnAgain · 27/08/2024 18:18

I still don't understand why the dad wouldn't ask the mum to swap a day when he's working. Surely that would be a win for both parents.

The OP has been back, but still hasn't answered why her partner hasn't tried to rearrange contact days, which would be the most logical thing for him to do.

She also hasn't said why she made a point of saying the Mum was on benefits, what was the need for that?

violetsparkle · 27/08/2024 18:46

InkyPinkyPonky24 · 27/08/2024 18:19

He perhaps wants to follow the court order especially if his and his exes coparenting relationship has been strained.

Show quote history

Good point. I too thought why doesn't he just ask to swap but can see why he might stick to the court ordered dates