Should dh come on holiday when dsc holidaying with their mum?

[Stillnosummer]

My dsc are going on an amazing holiday with their mum next summer. My dp has suggested that I take my dc during that time to see some of my family who live overseas. Iv asked if he could come with me but he feel as his dc won’t be there then he doesn’t want to come as might leave them feeling left out.

I can go without him as my dc are fine to travel with as teenagers but I would prefer him there for a number of reasons.

My DC don’t have a dad around so it’s not as if it would happen the other way around so I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is right

I do feel sad that we never get a family holiday together in the same room as with his dsd we need separate rooms as there are 6 of us So can’t fit in 1. Plus our dc are opposite sexes so can never go to an all inclusive hotel type holiday and share a room. The dc are all aged 10-14

Haha 😅 I was more alluding to the fact he might just want some peace and quiet, I know I would (mother of SC and own DC!)

You should certainly be considering whether it’s hurtful to his children or not and if it is, which is likely, then yes, their parents shouldn’t go away with other children and not them. If that means he misses out, so be it. You make sacrifices when you want to make a blended family, and they shouldn’t be at the older childrens expense.

Oh give over. Why should a younger child miss out on going on holiday with his dad? or at all. You can spot a bitter first wife at ten paces on threads such as this.

I can promise you I’m not a ‘first’ wife, I’m just not a typically selfish second wife.

I was the first child and I remember how shit it feels when your Dad appears to prioritise other peoples children over you, even if you do understand it rationally. Luxuries for adults (like holidays) should not come at the expense of basics for children (like parents who care about their emotional well-being.

I am not sure I see a problem to be honest.

I appreciate you feel sad that your kids don’t have a Dad. But that doesn’t mean he that your dh has to become theirs. And even if he was their dad, going away to your family without him is ok too. He is their step dad. Which can be very different from family to family.

He probably wants the house to himself. Might want to enjoy some child free time. His usual child free time still includes yours.

No one would think there was anything wrong with a woman not wanting to go away without her own children. Or wanting some time alone when her children aren’t there and her step kids live there permanently.

Exactly, which is why it’s fine for DH to stay home

Your dh just fancies a week to himself I think.

I don't know where " the same week" has come from. I don't think OP said it was a week. And if it's an amazing holiday that the DSCs are going on, it's probably a few weeks.

If we're talking the school summer holidays and OP goes away as well, there's likely to be overlap anyway. And it makes sense for all the kids to be away at the same time, so that they can be together for the rest of the school holidays, surely?

I love them but just would be much nicer if my dh was there

You're reasons are so trivial compared to your DH and his kids losing the time together that his limited leave would otherwise give them.

or conversely exactly why he could actually go on holiday with his wife

True.

But he doesn’t want to. And OP needs to respect that.

It sounds like you do an awful lot for his kids on a practical level, school runs, getting the up doing things etc.

How much does he do in practical terms for yours?

Me too. Having someone else's kids around all the time no matter how much you love them is a lot. There's nothing wrong if he's wanting a break and some time alone.

I'm sure he is fond of your kids but it must be wearing being with your stepchildren all the time.

In all honesty if you lived with his kids all the time, would you want to go away with them and leave yours with someone else?

Sometimes even stepdads need a break

Why can't you share a room on holiday? Get a villa or apartment on a resort? Or an Airbnb and do some sightseeing?

We never share a room with our children on holiday

I've had to rethink my mindset on this very issue OP. At first I felt he should feel so lucky to be in our family with my kids. I've come to realise this is not real life and while he is very fond of my kids, he needs a break too. I encourage this now. It makes us all happier. What's wrong with giving him a break for a week? Then you'll all be happy coming back together.

This is how I’d feel too.

How long are his children away for? If it’s for several weeks is it that he is saving the time when they are around for for you to go away together and that it is the only time you really can go without them?

I do feel sad that we never get a family holiday together in the same room as with his dsd we need separate rooms as there are 6 of us So can’t fit in 1

What do you mean by this OP? Because you went on to say that you didn’t mean all of you in one room, but you specifically say here you can’t (all) fit in 1

I'm assuming @HeddaGarbler OP means she doesn't get to be in a room with her DH because they need two rooms.

It is the same here which is why we tend to book cottages in the UK now rather than hotels abroad, as I'd quite like to spend my holiday with my DH rather than it feel like we're on two separate holidays.

You mean you have DH in room with his DC and you in a room with yours?

The OP specifically says though they “can’t fit in one” because of his DC. As if 4 of them - her, DP, her 2DC could. But yes probably badly worded.

Yeah. I think OP means if it were just her, her DH and her kids they'd fit in one room. But with SC coming they don't, so DH would be in a different room. At least that's how I read it as it's the same for me (although to be fair I wouldn't want my children to share with my DH as it might make them and/or him feel awkward - I wouldn't ever share with my SC for the same reason)

Well yes that’s what I thought too, but then the OP wrote this:

no I’m not expecting him to share a room with my teens, I don’t even want to share a room with my teens.

So what I think she means - as she goes on to say he and she can’t share a room when away - is that if all of them go away together, she’s in a room with her teenage boys, and he’s in a room with his DDs. Which sounds v unsatisfactory all round.

Surely the solution is to rent a 3 bedroom cottage or villa I don’t know, as usually cheaper than a hotel.

I see what you're saying @HeddaGarbler and agree that's why we end up in a house, hotel just doesn't work

That's a valid reason. I don't like using all my leave for my dsc. We have shared dc I prioritise time with them.

I also think your children might not want to share a room with him?