Should dh come on holiday when dsc holidaying with their mum?

[Stillnosummer]

My dsc are going on an amazing holiday with their mum next summer. My dp has suggested that I take my dc during that time to see some of my family who live overseas. Iv asked if he could come with me but he feel as his dc won’t be there then he doesn’t want to come as might leave them feeling left out.

I can go without him as my dc are fine to travel with as teenagers but I would prefer him there for a number of reasons.

My DC don’t have a dad around so it’s not as if it would happen the other way around so I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is right

I do feel sad that we never get a family holiday together in the same room as with his dsd we need separate rooms as there are 6 of us So can’t fit in 1. Plus our dc are opposite sexes so can never go to an all inclusive hotel type holiday and share a room. The dc are all aged 10-14

The only weird boy really is him encouraging you to go at this time specifically. I'd be interested in why he thinks you should go now not a different week. Of course it's fine for him to say he'd enjoy the time alone,but you're job isn't to do as you're told to facilitate his freedom

I would have zero interest in going on holiday with someone else’s children and not my own, so I see his point in that regard at least.

I don't see a problem with him not going or wanting to go tbh but he isn't being honest to you about why.
If the roles were reversed and your children went away with their dad I bet you would like a week to yourself.

If I had a limited amount of leave, I'd want to use it with my own kids/all the kids. I think that's entirely reasonable.

The suspicious part to me is him saying he wants you to go when his dc are away. You could do a trip with just your kids at any time surely? He clearly wants a week home alone. Is that for a rest of for dodgy reasons?

It’s my cousins house, not my parents, he knows my cousin and has been happy to stay with them in the uk.

My dc lost their dad a few years back so don’t have the option of holidaying with him, I also wouldn’t want to go without them be of loosing their dad

So you wouldn’t want to holiday without your DC (my condolences), and he doesn’t want to holiday without his.

As said, I’d look for accommodation near your cousin that can fit everyone and have a family holiday.

Why?

Not every single member of a family needs to go on every single holiday.

I was going to say the same thing. He's got his own plans clearly - or else why would he suggest that you go away at that exact time?

Because then he doesn’t have his own kids either so he gets a full week off to chill. Pretty obvious. If his kids are around while the OP is away then he has to take AL to look after them for the time they’re with him and he loses chill time.

I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily anything dodgy- most adults would love a child free week to themselves I’m sure.

My dp has suggested that I take my dc during that time to see some of my family who live overseas.

I wouldn’t expect him to come with me, but I wouldn’t book to go at the specific time he told me, just to give him an empty house for a week. It sounds like he’s trying to get rid of you. Go when it suits you!

He's allowed to want a little time without his stepchildren, he's certainly allowed to not want to use precious annual leave when he doesn't have his own DC.

Do not understand his reasoning at all. Of course he should go!

You could get an air bnb that's big enough for all of you. Also you can get all inclusive holidays abroad tou would just need to upgrade your room one big enough (I'm staying in a 2 bedroom suite this year and there is also a sofa bed in the lounge - would easily sleep 6 people)

I think he is being fair enough.

He wants to save his AL for his own DCs and he fancies a childfree house for a change when they are on holiday. Also probably doesn't want to use his AL for a week staying at your relatives.

I think you are unreasonable to use the term family holiday when what you want is a holiday where a DF won't be with his DCs.

Never said it was dodgy, just said he had his own plans for that time.

Could you go away to your family - and then leave your 2 with your family and arrange a couple of days away, to visit another town or attraction just the 2 of you.
Sounds to me like you & he don't ever get a break from parenting, and the kids are old enough to entertain themselves for a couple of days I'm sure.

Ah sorry- thought that was MN code for "definitely having an affair/has second family/ has secret meth habit//is Russian spy". I've spent too long on the relationships board

I'm Team DH on this one OP...sorry 🤷‍♀️

I've been the step mum in this exact scenario and I chose to stay at home.

Three reasons:
a) like your DH, I needed my holiday entitlement to be with my own DC.

b) I absolutely HATE staying in someone else's home (could just about manage a night, but no more!) and the thought of spending two weeks in my (then) DH's parents house filled me with dread!

c) a 'family' holiday to me would include MY children - two weeks away with children that weren't mine (however lovely they were...and my SDC were lovely!!) would make me sad. It didn't matter to me that my own DC were away having fun with their dad, I missed them!

The 'c' reason above may sound irrational but that's how I felt. I can imagine your DH would feel the same and wouldn't enjoy being away.

Talk to him and ascertain his feelings about this.

Just to add...I had a fabulous relationship with my DSC and loved going on holiday with them...as long as my own DC we're also on the holiday with us. I saw 'us' as a family...all of us.

Why would your children "go without" if your husband doesn't join you? Surely they would enjoy just being away with you and seeing their family?!

I think I’m just feeling sad that my dc don’t have their dad to take them away anymore too. I love my dsc and do see us as a family, but they get to do nice things with their mum and stepdad that and mine don’t get the same. On holiday, My dc will likely be off doing their own thing with my cousins children (also teens). I’ll then be having dinner and drinks with my cousin and his wife, don’t get me wrong, I love them but just would be much nicer if my dh was there.

We could arrange to stay at a hotel near so we can all go but the dynamic will be totally different in a way that we will have to drive or get taxis and my dsc struggle with socialising so we wouldn’t get time just adults.

I’m not worried that he suggested we go when his dc are away, he finds it easier when I’m here with his dc, I’m more energetic and get them up doing things. his dc would also be upset if I was to go away without them as we are close. They wouldn’t really know about it if we went when they were already on holiday.

He’s doing the right thing. He shouldn’t be going on holiday with other peoples children if he can’t go away with his own.

I completely understand how you feel and all your reasons for wanting him there, but ultimately his childrens feelings are more important than yours on this because like you say, you can go without him and it doesn’t sound like he wants to go anyway.

I would agree with this and also add (as is the case with a lot of men!) that he's probably encouraging her to go away whilst his kids aren't around so that he doesn't have to look after them by himself and she'll be back once his kids return from their holiday!

That's idealistic. I have a DC with my husband, we go away sometimes without his kids because they can't come for various reasons. Sometimes mine come, sometimes they don't. Should we just stay at home permanently?