Should dh come on holiday when dsc holidaying with their mum?

[Stillnosummer]

My dsc are going on an amazing holiday with their mum next summer. My dp has suggested that I take my dc during that time to see some of my family who live overseas. Iv asked if he could come with me but he feel as his dc won’t be there then he doesn’t want to come as might leave them feeling left out.

I can go without him as my dc are fine to travel with as teenagers but I would prefer him there for a number of reasons.

My DC don’t have a dad around so it’s not as if it would happen the other way around so I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is right

I do feel sad that we never get a family holiday together in the same room as with his dsd we need separate rooms as there are 6 of us So can’t fit in 1. Plus our dc are opposite sexes so can never go to an all inclusive hotel type holiday and share a room. The dc are all aged 10-14

I’m not worried that he suggested we go when his dc are away, he finds it easier when I’m here with his dc, I’m more energetic and get them up doing things. his dc would also be upset if I was to go away without them as we are close. They wouldn’t really know about it if we went when they were already on holiday.

That's a really unhealthy dynamic. You should be going away whenever it suits you. You also shouldn't be hiding going to see your family.

How old are his DC? When mine were little I never liked going away when they were away with their dad- I just wanted to know that if something happened and they needed me I would be at home, or I could get on a plane to them, which I realise sounds ridiculous! Once me and DP did go away on a foreign holiday while my DC were on holiday in a different country with their dad, and it felt really weird just being so far from them, I couldn’t relax at all.

I also totally get that he wants to save his annual leave for a holiday with his own DC. How far away is it? Could he come just for a couple
of days?

I do sympathise, we are a blended family, so when we are all together there are 7 of us- last time we went on holiday we booked 2 family rooms - he stayed with the boys and I stayed with the girls, it was just the most cost effective solution! I also just tend to take my kids to visit family on my own- my siblings don’t have the room to accommodate all of us, and the DSC are a bit old now to just expect them to get on with
other kids they’ve never met, whereas my DC are quite close to their cousins. It’s a shame but it works for us.

Love how many people are defending his choice.... imagine if this was a step mum saying she wasn't going to go!!!

I think he's out of order

This. It might be innocent like he wants a break with no kids but I can’t see why you need to go on holiday with your kids while his step kids are away.

I don’t think the responses would be any different

I'm a stepmum, I wouldn't go. Shoot me

On the face of it I can see why it seems like he's being a bit precious, but going away without his DC affects them regardless of whether they're having a nice holiday at the same time.

I 100% wouldn't be using limited annual leave to go on a family holiday without my own children. And any money spent would be money I could have spent doing something that includes them too. That's without considering that the children might feel pushed out of your family unit if you all go away without them (I know it's sad that your DC don't have the same opportunities to do things with their dad, but DSC going away with their mum doesn't exclude them in the same way as your entire family unit going away together).

I completely understand you being sad he's not going, but I think he's doing the right thing by priotising his children in this. Go and have some lovely quality time with your teens and plan something lovely for you all to do as a family at a later date.

I don’t think the excuse that he is martyring himself while he kid is on holiday so he has to stay home and mope.

he wants a week off from family life. What would he say if you changed the dates so you went to see your family and he had sole care of his DC during that time. Bet he wouldn’t like it. When do you get a week off from the daily grind of keeping everyone fed and watered?

But his circumstances are different from the OPs.
These are not his DCs, his are in their DMs care. It's sad and I understand why OP wants him to be more of a father figure than he is prepared to be, but bluntly he has his own DCs and I can see why he wouldn't want to use annual leave without them.

Your DH is being completely illogical.

My thoughts too - he wants a break!

Completely agree with this.

Same.

The people who would get funny about it don't understand stepmumming.

I think he is being reasonable. His kids are away. If my kids were away I'd prefer to have a quiet week and save my annual leave rather than use my annual leave to go on holiday with DSC.

I can understand that you feel sad for your kids as you wish they had their dad around, and DSC are holidaying with their stepdad. But I do think that your DC may well be just as happy with a holiday with just you and your family. For all we know, DSC may secretly wish their mum was taking them away without their stepdad, too!

He just wants a couple of weeks off! Nice try sunshine!

I don't think anyone would expect a step mum to go. In fact there would be lots of people saying that the bloke only wanted her to go because he didn't want to look after his own kids.

Yeah, I think it's fair enough.

Why shouldn't he? His kids aren't around.

I think it’s nice he doesn’t want to go on holiday without his own children, good on him.

I suggest you go with your kids if you wish, then you all take a holiday together at some point.

Your DH is absolutely correct; he needs to keep any holiday for when he can take his children on holiday.
Just because yours don't have a father it doesn't mean that your children now usurp his!

I'm speaking from experience as the product a child who's father went on holiday with his then DSC wherever we went somewhere with our mom, that then meant he'd used most of his holiday allocation from work to be with then DSC and would only have a few days spare to spend with us. It caused a rift between us and his "extra children" it made us feel like we'd been replaced; it was a horrible feeling and eventually caused a rift between us and our Dad that has never fully healed.

Not every single member of a family needs to go on every single holiday.

This. But in a blended family we seem to get fixated with forced parity, and it doesn’t always work (and is quite unnatural). Real life is not like The Waltons

Not a bitter ex-wife here but a child of a parent who did this with his new family and it hurts like hell! Especially when their limited annual leave is used without you in mind! Almost 40 years on I've never forgiven him!

I am still with the father of my kids and one year he took them to his DSis for a few days between Xmas and new year. It was bliss - I moved my exercise bike in front of the TV, watched a lot of Agatha Christie and ate all the leftovers.

HINBU to want some time to himself, and possibly to want to take his DSC to his family or on a break this year, and save leave for that.

No problem that I see.

Though I hear what you say about never having a romantic, adult break.

Plan for your parents to visit you sometime and ask if they'd stay with your children while you and DH have a few days away together.

Some of this sounds like you're booking the 'wrong' type of holidays to be able to go away as a 6. But I also get never having taken our 4DC abroad, that this also depends on the type of holiday you enjoy v ours. We are quite happy with a uk based caravan holiday. 3 bedrooms. Us, 2 boys and 2 girls.

But, with the younger dc I get that limited annual leave is also precious as may be needed during school holidays so an adult can be home with them.

I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting to spend time with him with less DC about, but I also don't think he's BU to say no, he wants to protect his annual leave to make sure he has enough when he needs it for his children.

Is there any possibility that he could fly over for a long weekend with you?