Unconditional love for step child?

[ifkd]

Hi everyone, I don't know all the abbreviations so bear with me. I've been with my partner a year and a half and we live together. Her two year lives with us half the time and I've known him since he was 1.5.

She's worried I don't love him unconditionally, and she's right. He's a sweet little guy most of the time, but he's two and when he's screaming I don't think I have boundless stores of motherly love to give him.

Do you think this unconditional love stage is achievable for me even though I'm not biologically related to him? What can I do to move it forward?

I can definitely try to arrange some things to do with him one on one so we can bond more, but he so much wants his mama it's often tough to persuade him to leave her.

Ooh, helpful feedback thanks 👍

It's unrealistic IMO to think that you will have the same unconditional love as a parent feels for their child. Your partner needs to adjust her expectations.

True though

Don't do things one on one with the toddler, he's only with his mother half the time, she should be solely focused on him when she has him.
How was it in the toddlers best interests to have the mothers brand new boy/girlfriend moved in to his home?

I agree. Poor kid.

What do you mean?

In my opinion only actual parents have UNCONDITIONAL love for a child

I wouldn’t expect a new partner to love my child unconditionally. I would expect them to accept normal 2yo behaviour (eg being noisy sometimes) without being.a dick about it. I wonder whether the issue is that you’re making your displeasure obvious rather than a lack of unconditional love, but you’re the one who chose to live with a 2yo.

I think "love" is a lot to expect at this early stage, let alone unconditional love. That's your partner's role, not yours. No need for you to spend any one-to-one time with him.

I think you need to be honest with your partner about how you feel. A family unit with you in it will be all the child knows which is a huge responsibility for you as you will be a parent figure.

If you can’t love the child like your own, can you love them like a niece/nephew? Can you accept them unconditionally, especially the shit bits like toddler tantrums, bad behaviour, slamming doors, being lazy around the house, not being grateful for what you do for them and the dreaded teenage years?

You and your partner need to be on the same page about your expectations for the family unit. If she wants someone to love her child unconditionally and love them as their own, this may not be the right set up and you’d be better dating or separating. There are step parents who can do that, but they are few and far between.

Yeah I think I'm sort of looking for anyone with a similar experience and wondering if their love grew over time and they reached the same level as a mother or father would, or whether that's an impossible goal

Well I'm sure your love would grow (well I'd hope it would in this situation!) but no I think it's impossible to love the same as their actual mum or dad

I would focus on your relationship with your partner, and let her focus on her relationship with her child - who is not your "step child" btw!!

You may or may not grow to love her child. That's not something to focus on, you just have to wait and see.

Honestly though, is this what you want??

@nuttyroche2 that's not what he was asking. Secondly it's only on MN that you need to wait until they've left university.

@ifkd it's definitely possible to live a child, that's not biologically yours, absolutely. It's more difficult in your position because whether sub consciously or not, there's a bit of you that holds back because they can always be taken away from you & you have no control over that.

your partner is being daft, she can't expect anyone else to love her son unconditionally. It's not something you decide to do, it's there or it's not 🤷🏻‍♀️. What she can expect is you care for him, you allow her to always put his needs first without complaint & parent him to the degree she's happy with.

its very very early days. Bonding will come in time. One day he'll want YOU to carry him/play with him/whatever & it'll make your heart melt.

if you're serious about this relationship you have the rest of your life to be important to him and if you're not serious. Get the fuck out of there before he is attached to you & you hurt him by leaving

I barely unconditionally love my own kid most of the time let alone someone elses. If a child comes into your life I absolutely believe you can love them as much a parent would but that takes years imo. She’s being utterly ridiculous.

What does unconditional love look like for your partner? What is she exactly expecting from you? At such a young age, the child probably won't want alone time with you. You need to work out your parenting styles together. Is she ok with you disciplining the child as well? It's quite unfair of her to expect that you are going to be on the same level as her.

that's not what he was asking

Why are you assuming the OP is male? Might not be.

And I agree with the advice in the first para OP.

As for unconditional love: wouldn’t likely to be genuine feelings if you thought you felt that way after only knowing him 6 months; your partner has an unrealistic expectation there.

I asked because the OP had written this, which implies they’re either a woman or they’re talking metaphorically and there’s a typo:

when he's screaming I don't think I have boundless stores of motherly love to give him.

The uncomfortable truth about step parenting is that you simply can't feel unconditional love for a child that's not yours. If everyone stopped pretending that that was the standard to meet, I think step parenting would be marginally easier.