Unconditional love for step child?

[ifkd]

Hi everyone, I don't know all the abbreviations so bear with me. I've been with my partner a year and a half and we live together. Her two year lives with us half the time and I've known him since he was 1.5.

She's worried I don't love him unconditionally, and she's right. He's a sweet little guy most of the time, but he's two and when he's screaming I don't think I have boundless stores of motherly love to give him.

Do you think this unconditional love stage is achievable for me even though I'm not biologically related to him? What can I do to move it forward?

I can definitely try to arrange some things to do with him one on one so we can bond more, but he so much wants his mama it's often tough to persuade him to leave her.

I think it depends on the mindset of the step parent. If they wanted to become a proper bonus parent, I think they could definitely love their step kids the same way a biological parent loves their kids. But they'd have to be fully committed and want to be a parent to them.

In the same way parents who adopt children who aren't biologically theirs love them just the same as if they were.

With step parents I guess it's trickier to get in that mindset as you're not really looking to 'adopt' the child. That's why, I think you'd have to really want it to love them like that.

@ifkd I don't love mine unconditionally in fact I don't think I love them at all. I wouldn't leave them my estate in my will but I would give them a kidney.

I think your partner is totally unreasonable in seemingly wanting to police your feelings.

She can't control those.

Most people won't feel the same way about a stepchild as their own and that's fine if they treat them well.

Also, 2 is a difficult age, lots of parents struggle with it. I think I might in time love someone else's 5 year old, but someone else's 2 year old is hard to love...

It's an impossible goal and unrealistic of your partner to expect it. There are many kids in my life I love but none I have unconditional love for except my own. At 2 you don't need to be spending one on one time with him, he just needs his mum. I agree with others you've moved in way too fast 🤷‍♀️

DP certainly loves my son. I don't know if he'd consider it unconditional, I've never asked. I don't really know how "unconditional" love is different.

He did struggle at first, it wasn't easy in the sense that DS obviously didn't just love him straight away, he had to work at the relationship and earn DSs trust. One on one time is important, but start small with fun activities, take him to soft play etc. And taking on more of the responsibility, and parenting role. DP gets up in the morning, he disciplins just as much and the same as me. No "mummy says" or "mummy will tell you off". You've got to be 100% consistent and reliable. He has to know that he can depend on you.

DS has thrived with DP in his life, he has definitely been the right choice. We are a family unit, we are not me, my DS, and my boyfriend. We are a family

Is this an experience you've gone through yourself?

Yes.

It's ridiculous for your partner to think you should love someone else's child unconditionally. Honestly her behaviour comes across as a bit of a red flag in your post.

If you broke up tomorrow you'd never see this child again.

It's ridiculous to think that unconditional love will happen after just a few months.

Although most of MN will probably think you're out of order for meeting the child in under a decade. My DH and I bought a house together after 8 months. We were married within 2 years. We had known each other 20 years though so he's wasn't a stranger.

I would say I do have unconditional love for my SD who I've known for nearly 4 years but it's something that was gradually built over the years. It wasn't instant and it was all at her pace. I let her initiate hugs and let her say "I love you" first. Yes we lived together quite quickly but I didn't want to force love on her straight away. My DH did all the parenting at first and I only spent time alone with her for a short amount of time which we gradually built. Now I probably spend more time with her than her mum and sometimes DH. Every time I think we couldn't be closer we somehow manage to.

Your OH can't expect this after a few months though. Also it's quite scary opening your heart and giving yourself to a little person knowing that if anything happened with your OH you could never see them again. DH and I have been married nearly 2 years so I have that security but I do worry if he died would SDs mum still allow me to have contact? It's a scary thought.

This “loving unconditionally” thing is getting out of hand. You can’t turn it on at will. Don’t fret. It takes time, for both you and the DSS. Just do your best and take your time. You can’t do more.

IRL, statistically (and they have done studies) no one loves as 'selflessly' as a biological parent. Because the only thing we are programmed to do is live, and make more of ourselves. Ultimately it's entirely genetically selfish but it looks like selflessness if you squint at it.

After that, it's level of relatedness. We are more selfless, typically to siblings than cousins and so on. Adoptive parents, it's complicated. Adoption failure happens. And fairly frequently. And that is a much better situation to let love develop than a step-situation. Because adoptive parents choose parenting, not a relationship with some parenting attached to it. They are also solely responsible for a vulnerable child, which elicits care.

To say that love, very strong love, can develop is fine. Expecting unconditional love from a step-parent is naive. I am assuming OP is female. I think the naive expectations are much worse for women, because women are just expected to love and care more. It's unlikely but not impossible.

Why does she need you to unconditionally love her child? The child has two parents, who are both extremely involved in his life. I'm not for a minute suggesting you aren't, or shouldn't be, an excellent step-parent, but why do you have to love your DSS unconditionally? Toddlers are extremely annoying a lot of the time and this is a relatively new situation. This requirement for unconditional love just feels like an artificial problem inserted into the situation. Is your DP also concerned about whether the other parent's new partner (assuming there is one) also loves DSS unconditionally?

Just keep doing your best. This is a non-problem.

I don't mean to be suspicious, but I have a feeling this is written by the mum pretending to be the step dad so she doesn't get the usual mumsnet abuse that comes with asking something very normal and genuinely looking for advice.

If that is the case, OP I imagine it is hard to feel unconditional love for a child that is not your own, particularly when they're a toddler and very trying even at the best of times, I have known friends to have very close relationships with their step parents, and I believe it comes after years and if they don't clash as individuals type thing.

It's also worth saying that if you break up tomorrow, she can take the child away instantly without any issue whatsoever. Imagine feeling real, unconditional, parental love for a child. Then knowing that the child could be removed from you forever, for nothing. No thanks.

I hope not.

He’s not your child. You aren’t “supposed” to love him unconditionally.

that is a feeling that generally only parents would use when talking about a child.

your partner needs to have more realistic expectations about what a step parent should feel/do etc.

I have been in my step child’s life for 4 years and I wouldn’t even say I love her. I’m fond of her, I am kind to her, make sure her time with us is happy etc but she isn’t my child, I don’t have those feelings for her that a parent does.

@nuttyroche2 I was married and expecting and living with my (albeit older) stepson full time within 18 months of meeting my DH. It certainly is not 'utterly reckless '.
And no OP I do not love my step children (now adults) unconditionally. Some may say they do, but even if I had met them much younger I doubt I ever would have.

He had an unimaginably poor childhood before he came to me. He was damaged and his behaviour reflected that. It took a couple of years before his behaviour gradually improved. One day after about 2-3 years I looked at him and thought you haven't done anything awful lately and you are smiling more. Things improved after he was 7-8. I spent a lot of 1-1 time with him with his sports. The bond grew over time. Now I look on him as one of my sons.

My understanding of "unconditional" love is you love someone without caveats, no matter what happens or regardless of what that person does.

For example, I adore and love DH, but I don't think anyone can love a partner unconditionally.

I wouldn't love him if he abused children, if he cheated on me or physically abused me,.for example.

I do know, however, that I will always love my DC regardless of what they do. If they murdered someone, I'm sure I'd feel many negative emotions, but I'd still love them.

I think that kind of love doesn't happen in 6 months.

Yep. This.
Step parent for 18 years. 3 of my own who I love unconditionally. 5 steps who I like a lot. All adults now but when they were younger I did stuff for them, drove them around, listened to their problems, fed them, was kind to them .. but the same love I have for my own ? No . They get that from their mum and dad.

Sorry if I've missed it but what about the child's real dad?

How does he feel about you're becoming the live in father after such a short time?

I think everyone needs to relax a little. I think my step dad loved me unconditionally eventually, but I know as a child/ teen it was hard and I don’t know if he did. I’m not sure my step mum does tbh. 3 decades later. As long as you love him and are trying why are you being forced to measure up to that. Seems unreasonable. Maybe take stock in 20 years…If I ever become a step parent I think it would take a v long time…

Unconditional love is a weird concept. I don't even know if i truly believe in it.

Im sure you will bond with the child more over time , but it's really not something you can push or rush. Her pushing you to achieve some sort of pinnacle of ideal unconditional love for her kid is ridiculous.

DM met DDad (already divorced) when his boys were 1 and 4. They married 2 years later. I was born 2 years after that and dsis a few years after that. For several year we all lived together, until DDad's work took us abroad, and the boys stayed in the uk with their mother and step father for secondary education.

We "children " are all now in our 50s. DM is the only parent/step parent still alive in our particular blended family scenario. She says she had loved the boys, her step sons, since before she married DDad, and before she had her own bio children . To my memory she has certainly, to my memory always loved, supported and treated us all the same, and has told us all that this is reflected in her will. From this example, I think it's possible to love a step child as your own.