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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Unconditional love for step child?

87 replies

ifkd · 18/08/2024 10:59

Hi everyone, I don't know all the abbreviations so bear with me. I've been with my partner a year and a half and we live together. Her two year lives with us half the time and I've known him since he was 1.5.

She's worried I don't love him unconditionally, and she's right. He's a sweet little guy most of the time, but he's two and when he's screaming I don't think I have boundless stores of motherly love to give him.

Do you think this unconditional love stage is achievable for me even though I'm not biologically related to him? What can I do to move it forward?

I can definitely try to arrange some things to do with him one on one so we can bond more, but he so much wants his mama it's often tough to persuade him to leave her.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nuttyroche2 · 18/08/2024 16:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

JasmineTea11 · 18/08/2024 16:19

Its definitely not fair to expect a SP to love a SC unconditionally. It can be a deep and meaningful but love takes time to grow, the bio parent needs to have reasonable expectations.

DadJoke · 18/08/2024 16:23

You can’t control your feelings, only your actions. Stop thinking of love for the child as a feeling, but as action. Give the child love. When you tell them you love them, it will be true.

You have no idea how your feelings might change. They might come, they might not. A step parent who lovingly cares for their stepchild without a natural bond is worthy of great respect.

i know parents who don’t unconditionally love their kids, and step parents who do.

Beforetheend · 18/08/2024 16:51

What precipitated your partners comment op?

Childcare workers don’t love their charges unconditionally but still display patience, kindness, empathy, put their needs first, etc.

Is it perhaps your behaviour that your dp is calling out? At the end of the day what you do counts for a lot more than how you feel.

CinnamonBuns67 · 19/08/2024 23:48

I think your partner needs to be a bit more understanding that love for a stepchild and love for a biological child isn't the same for many people. Maybe love will grow over time and maybe it won't and if it doesn't that's ok. As long as you are kind to her child and don't push him out of course.

OneTwoTen · 20/08/2024 07:59

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 18/08/2024 16:14

DM met DDad (already divorced) when his boys were 1 and 4. They married 2 years later. I was born 2 years after that and dsis a few years after that. For several year we all lived together, until DDad's work took us abroad, and the boys stayed in the uk with their mother and step father for secondary education.

We "children " are all now in our 50s. DM is the only parent/step parent still alive in our particular blended family scenario. She says she had loved the boys, her step sons, since before she married DDad, and before she had her own bio children . To my memory she has certainly, to my memory always loved, supported and treated us all the same, and has told us all that this is reflected in her will. From this example, I think it's possible to love a step child as your own.

My children often assume that I love their half sibling (my DSC) the same as I love them. I let them assume it. But it's not correct. I love my DSC but not at all in the same way I love my own children.

itsgettingweird · 20/08/2024 08:10

Would any of us have unconditional love for a child we've known 6 months?

Even one we've known for longer who isn't our own biological child?

I've worked with kids for decades. I've loved most of them in a professional way. Can't say I've loved any of them unconditionally like I do my ds - even those who I've known for 10-15 years through friends I don't have the same bond with.

It's possible you need to work on your poker face to a tantrumming 2 yr old though. Even most parents do 😂

socks1107 · 20/08/2024 08:16

No I think it's very different for most step
parents. I don't love my step dd at all. I cared for her once like a neice and I've helped in all sorts of ways to ensure she had a happy childhood when she was with us and time with her dad etc, but I've never loved her.

Roryno · 20/08/2024 08:21

No I don’t think it’s the same. I’ve been a stepmom for two decades, since my stepchild was pretty young. I love him very much, but I think I’m more judgemental when there have been a couple of issues over the years (I actually think I was more rational). And I think my stepchild is the same towards me.

SemperIdem · 21/08/2024 11:19

I think it is unreasonable of her to expect it, yes.

I love my child unconditionally, I don’t love my husband unconditionally, I don’t love my step children unconditionally. I imagine he feels the same in reverse. This is natural, I think.

ohthejoys21 · 23/08/2024 18:10

For people suggesting it's selfish to bring a new partner into the mix.. I did exactly that when mine were small. He didn't love them as much as he loved his own, but enriched their lives beyond measure, gave them stability as the most incredible step parent.. and now as adults they turn to him before they do to me.

Do I wish he loved them as his own? Of course, but no one apart from their natural dad would.. and theirs was an arsehole and didn't, so this was the best outcome.

Titsonboard · 23/08/2024 18:41

My DH moved in with us when my child was 3 yrs old, more than 30 yrs later I still don’t think my DH loves him unconditionally. My son’s bio dad wasn’t in the picture (he didn’t love him at all apparently so it’s not always a given even for your biological child) and my DH supported my son financially and emotionally and they have a great relationship and he’s been a good dad to him but I don’t expect him to love him the same way as he does our shared child.

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