Unconditional love for step child?

[ifkd]

Hi everyone, I don't know all the abbreviations so bear with me. I've been with my partner a year and a half and we live together. Her two year lives with us half the time and I've known him since he was 1.5.

She's worried I don't love him unconditionally, and she's right. He's a sweet little guy most of the time, but he's two and when he's screaming I don't think I have boundless stores of motherly love to give him.

Do you think this unconditional love stage is achievable for me even though I'm not biologically related to him? What can I do to move it forward?

I can definitely try to arrange some things to do with him one on one so we can bond more, but he so much wants his mama it's often tough to persuade him to leave her.

Your partner is holding you to a completely unrealistic standard here and her emotional pressure on this situation will only hamper the bond rather than letting it grow and develop at its own pace. I would gently push back on this one. It's her child and her responsibility to parent him (along with the other parent if they're still around)

I agree it's not ideal to move quickly in a relationship when you have a young child the reason being you don't know the other person well enough to absolutely trust them with your child and that they will treat the child well no matter what. Most people are nice to a cute kid in a fairly low stress scenario, but what would they be like to that grumpy kid who has some mental health issues if you go on to have a new baby together? Another thing is if the child gets attached to the person and you split up then it would upset them and if you are attached to the child but won't see them any more the same for you.

As the partner it's not your responsibility to think about that but as a caring person you should consider it. Can you make a commitment to treat this child well no matter what and expect to put his needs above your own, as much as a good parent should. At the same time he's not your child so you won't have that automatic right to make decisions about his upbringing that you might want to. It's a fine line to walk and you have to be a special person to do that well and its not something everyone wants to take on.

You aren't necessarily going to love him like a parent but if you are going to live with him you need to really care about him, to make his needs a priority and treat him in the same way a good foster parent or nanny would.

As you say you can't rely on that mothering instinct so what I would do is read up on parenting and child care skills (make sure it's not some kook theory, those pop up in parenting self help all the time). That way you will feel more confident in dealing with difficult behaviour and have realistic expectations of his development. Agree things like how you will discipline him with his mum so you are on the same page. Again this is something you should defer to her on, you are in the supporting role here.

If you do decide that you can take on the role of step parent. In terms of bonding with him start by giving him attention when she is there too - like playing with him and reading stories. Later you could do a very short outing like going to the shop to buy a small treat or to the park to play on the swings. Then build up from there.

I have two biological children.

I'm not sure what unconditional love looks like but I can tell you that when they started screaming their heads off and having tantrums I didn't like them very much.

Nobody enjoys tantrums.

I did take the actions I needed to take - encouraging talking about feelings, no hitting, etc etc.

They're 23 now (twins).

I have unconditional love for my foster son. He has lived with me since he was 5. He's 18 now. I love him just as much as I love my own DC.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

@Flibflobflibflob this is reassuring, thank you, I'm happy to give it time and not push anything.

To address a few concerns - yes it has been a whirlwind and we all moved in together quickly, but I am in this for the long haul and we are going to make it work. For the record I have known him 18 months and been living with him part time for over a year (he is nearly 3). I agree that expecting unconditional love after 6 months (like some people thought) would be a lot, and saying that maybe a year is very soon for that too .

It's a tricky situation to navigate. I have always been careful to respect my partner's parenting and not criticised, and not overstepped any boundaries. I love the little guy, and I think I'm not going to feel like more of a parent until I have some more responsibilities in his life. There's no need to rush anything I suppose and it'll come with time but these are useful things to be figuring out and I'm happy to hear some reassurances and any similar experiences anyone's had

My partner and I are good at communicating, and while I might be able to ask some questions around what she expects unconditional love to look like, I know she is just being cautious and protective of her little boy and that's ok too

There's no way on earth I would unconditionally love a child who isn't mine. To be honest, I wouldn't even want to spend a single second of my precious downtime pretending to enjoy them.

And so, because I'm well aware of that, I wouldn't date someone with a two year old and I certainly wouldn't move in with them.

Because it's totally selfish and not fair on a child to live with someone who doesn't want them there.

But that's me. Some people can do it. There are some wonderful step mums on these boards who can totally embrace it.

If you don't think you can, you need to step away from this relationship I'm afraid, or at least not live together and only see each other without the child.

Your partner doesn't sound great, she sounds selfish.

Did it take you a little while to connect with him in this way or did it feel immediate for you?

Thanks, you've given me some really positive things to take forwards - I appreciate it!

You absolutely can, that comment is incorrect.

Well in your opinion

Also there's no need for all the bashing of my partner!! She's an incredible mother and is navigating this as best she can - we all are

Is this an experience you've gone through yourself?

Blimey that’s nuts, even for MN.

If they’ve been dating 18 months and he’s known the child for a year, that’s a perfectly reasonable amount of time.

However what isn’t is to a) expect you to have insta love for a stepchild b) expect everyone - even a biological parent - to enjoy parenting toddlers and c) think that ‘unconditional’ love is key to step parenting.

You can absolutely come to love a step child as your own (I do), but the reality is that you may or may not, and it will take some years. What’s important is you build a good relationship with them, with a degree of authority so they feel secure.

So while the PP is being unreasonable amount timescales, she’s right that you should have agreed on all this before you moved in. So time for a conversation - and call it quickly for the two year old’s sake if this isn’t going to work.

She hasn't acted like it here.

No one gets to know anyone properly during the honeymoon phase, when the sparks are flying and you're both on your best behaviour wanting to present the best of yourself to your potential partner. She doesn't know you yet, warts and all.

So, no, bringing you in to her house without knowing you properly, to share with her tiny son, is objectively, not good parenting.

Your partner is being unreasonable to expect you to have unconditional love for a child that isn't yours, let alone one that you've know for around a year that lives with you part time.

A two year old is going to want his mum or his other parent who they are in their care, it's hard enough for older children to cope with 50/50 custody. A toddler won't have the vocabulary or the emotional capacity to understand why they one parent disappears on them so often. Your parent expecting you to parent her child too could make it even harder for him to bond.

You don't mention if there is any childcare involved, is this toddler always with a biological parent or spending a lot of time in nursery? Some children cope with nursery well and it let's them be more social, others become clingy when they only see their mum limited times, similarly some children who are only with mum/dad or family struggle to socialise.

Whether you find it helpful or not, this child has had a lot of relationship changes in a very short time. You will find lots of issues on step parents when they have new partners introduced too quickly to their children, mostly mums struggling because dads have new girlfriends moving in.

Stepparent for 12 years,

It never even comes close tbh

You can, I do. You don’t get to tell other people how they feel.

It doesn’t mean that everyone does, or that it’s in anyway key to being a good stepparent.

You ain’t ever going to love this child like you would your own. I don’t believe anyone who says they do. You will grow fond sure but during hard times it’s that love and bond that allows you to see through the shit. When they ain’t yours, the shit is just downright frustrating!

I’ll be crucified but I don’t have kids but the love I have for my dogs is stronger than the love I had for my step kids. I think because I chose my dogs, I knew the sacrifices that came and I find them rewarding. With step kids they’re kind of a bolt on to the person you love and you can’t have the person without the kid but what they do you didn’t choose and when they do it you’re reminded this wasn’t my choice.

thats me being brutally honest.

You presented it as a fact. I have already put in my opinion.

It’s super early days. Even with a bio child the instant rush of love isn’t always instant. I love my DSD unconditionally, I’ve raised her since she was 2 and I love her like she’s mine. It wasn’t instant, it grew. Your partner needs to slow down and step back and make sure her child has time to adjust.

Ok, so I know it is possible to feel unconditional love for children who are not your own. I do. I have two families where I have spent a lot of time with the children and I do absolutely love those children unconditionally. I don't have children of my own.

However, I like children in general and I have invested lots of time playing with these children, enjoying them and following their leads in what they want to do ( endless sandpit play, reading stories, imaginative play, and now, as some are getting older, Monopoly with the inevitable strop when they get sent to jail).

I don't always enjoy the way they behave, especially when they argue, fight or put each other down. I can get irritated and frustrated at times, but I also love them to bits in a way that is unconditional. I know I do. I feel different towards them to other children I have contact with and a visceral desire to support and protect them.

So , I would say, it is possible but it is usually a gradual thing.
Spend time with the two year old patiently playing two year old games. Look at what they enjoy and try and join in. Don't try and be a third parent and always defer to them in decisions ( "Can I go in the paddling pool now?" "Well see what mummy thinks.".)

All children benefit from additional supportive adults in their lives and forming bonds with them can form an essential part of growing up.

Not going to comment on the ‘should your GF have moved you in’ debate as it’s not why you posted.

I think your DP is being unrealistic, and perhaps a little sexist, to assume you will fall in love with her child and develop maternal feelings over what is a relative brief timespan. Without sexual attraction as an underpinning driver, most adults do not ‘fall in love’ or persist in developing a deeper connection with each other over such a short period. It takes time, patience and effort from both parties. And a three year old (?) who lives elsewhere with another parent is probably one of the most challenging individuals to try and forge a bond with.

The DC concerned doesn’t need another mother or parent, they already have two. What they may come to need is an additional loving adult in their life, one who has got to know them and built a relationship based on understanding and liking, rather than biological necessity.

What you can offer DC long term is a different, but equally deep and meaningful, type of love and support in addition to the love they already get from their parents. I think your DP should consider this and reframe her understanding of who her DC’s parents are and how you can be a meaning, positive and loving presence in their life without unrealistic and somewhat romanticised ideas of step-parent bonding.

But the fact that some people can disproves the assertion that it can’t be done. That’s the point to PP was making.

My DH and I moved in after 6 months and he has children from his previous marriage and had his children every weekend. His ex moved her affair partner in a week after she through my DH out. He lived with them 5/7 days I think I know what's worse.

In my experience @purpleme12 in more than one scenario