DPs ex only lets him see DC on her terms

[BringItOnxxx]

My DP of 3 years is always upset because his ex only allows sporadic access (I.e. when she is working). This makes him morose and down. I've told him to get a proper access agreement in place but he is scared she'll withhold this kids more. Any advice? She doesn't allow sleepovers either.

Also there no abuse, he's a good dad and pays full maintenance plus extras.

He should have sorted this years ago with a court order. There's no excuse.

If he gets a court ordered access arrangement in place, she cannot withhold access or else she'll be held to be in breach and there will be consequences for her.

It's fairly simple really - he needs a formal arrangement and needs to organise this rather than moping about it.

Thank you for clarifying, this is what I am telling him.

Shouldn’t pay extras.

maybe the ex is doing this for the maintenance

Honestly he is to blame here not the ex. He needs to go for court, get a proper contact order in place, then she has to abide by it legally.

Shouldn’t pay extras? Why? The child is his, needs things. The child shouldn’t suffer because mum wants all the control and dad can’t be bothered to challenge that.

If he won’t get a proper agreement tell him to stop complaining to you. There’s nothing you can do, his issue is with her and he’s choosing to let her dictate things. What’s more important to him? Having a meaningful relationship his kids or dancing to his ex’s tune?

So for over 3 years he hasn't had DC overnight or consistent and regular contact and he's done nothing about it? He doesn't actually want more contact. It could easily have been resolved through court if not mediation if he had any genuine interest.

It has been gradually getting worse but the main reduction was when the oldest went to high school and doesn't need looked after as much during working hours. She is a nurse and used to do nights but has been promoted I think so now only does days.

Well if the oldest is that old and doesn’t speak out to come, it makes me wonder a bit what the relationship is actually like. I thought we were talking tiny people.

This. Honestly, my eyes roll out my head every time I hear this same bullshit.

"She won't let me see my kids"
"Do you have a court order?"
"No, incase she stops me seeing my kids"

Grow. A. Spine.

Also he's probably now left it too late to get a court order for them as the court will likely just ask the child what they want to do.

So for 3 years your boyfriend has been moping and whining and not anything to have his children at all? How long has he been your boyfriend? Do you live together?
I ask because over and over I read about these boyfriends moaning and whining to the new girlfriend, painting the ex in a bad light, and do absolutely fuck all to change it. Let me guess she was crazy too, right?

The kids are 12 and 9. They do want to come.

He never says anything bad about the ex and is always trying to keep the peace.

Then he has no reason not to formalise proper access, his children will be given a say.

Thank you. It has to be done. I just wanted to sense check whether we/he was doing the right thing.

They're too lazy to even think up an original script to bleat to the next girlfriends. Tedious. I don't know how so many women choose to date absent fathers. This man has chosen to opt out of parenting kids he made, that should mean he's undateable.

He can buy the things directly for the child when he is with them

The fact they want to come will be helpful for him then.

It's telling he's evidently never looked into getting access formalised, he either hasn't ever been bothered and is spinning you a yarn, or there is a reason he's concerned that going down the formal route would limit his access.

How often is he seeing them now? If shes a nurse she'll be working 2-3 days a week minimum, does he care for them then?

What consequences are there for RP, who do withhold access? Realistically, they aren't going to remove kids from a DM who looks after kids well on a day to day basis but refuses contact orders.
Every time it has to go back to court, it's only a couple of hundred if NRP can represent themselves and it's not complicated. It becomes thousands if it's more complex.

If he hasn't done this already it's because he enjoys playing the role of :

I'm A Great Dad it's just my ex

And getting sympathy

They have a custody agreement which says that he would watch the kids the days and nights she was working (which was then 2/3 nights a week). But because she now works days she doesn't need him. She says the kids prefer their own beds but she also makes them feel guilty for spending time with us, even when she's at work.

At the moment he sees them for a few hours on Monday (4-8pm) and occasionally at weekends e.g. 1 or 2 days per month when she works weekends.

I have seen him crying and seen her messages. It's shit.