DPs ex only lets him see DC on her terms

[BringItOnxxx]

My DP of 3 years is always upset because his ex only allows sporadic access (I.e. when she is working). This makes him morose and down. I've told him to get a proper access agreement in place but he is scared she'll withhold this kids more. Any advice? She doesn't allow sleepovers either.

Also there no abuse, he's a good dad and pays full maintenance plus extras.

It's also got worse since I've come along, even though she has a boyfriend herself.

And ignore other things the child(ren) need. Out of sight out of mind? That is very unwise advice.

Children don't only exist when they are with you. Don't punish the children just because the ex is being unreasonable. Be the adult and take them to court.

Is the correct answer.

Court, - and talk to the children. What do they want?

Go for 50/50 custody then

Too many "ex won't let Man see children" but man proceeds to do absolutely nothing but whine about it.

Why are you enabling him? Do you want a man who won't even fight to see his children?

They won't to keep their mum happy :-( they just do what she tells them tbh.

So court will be the only option I guess.

I appreciate your point but how am I enabling him?

I will advise him what I think but I'm now thinking that I will back off and leave him too it. No my monkeys not my circus.

We don't live together so I've just got wrapped up in it all but I can easily take a step back.

Oh come on OP, if he was going to go to court he’d have done it long ago.

Just another man who wants to whine about how his ex won’t let him see the kids, but doesn’t want to actually take any action to change things.

Tell him that his constantly going on about it’s is boring and his lack of initiative is extremely unattractive.

I have attachment and abandonment issues so don't want to rock the boat and say what I think. I probably need counselling.

Fair point @SauviGone

Sorry I thought you lived together.

Assumption from the Step parenting forum.

Not your monkeys, not your circus is a healthy attitude imo. Leave him to it.

Maybe reconsider the relationship. You deserve less of a coward, especially if you have attachment issues yourself.

In many ways his 'non confrontational' nature has been good for my attachment issues. There has been very little stress or drama and he's tried to keep it from me. But they were supposed to go on holiday with us for 4 days and the mum said they were sick so she kept them at home. It was really rubbish. I suppose that could happen with a revised custody agreement as well.

Maybe they really were sick? Why wouldn't mum want them to have a holiday and her to have a few days off (assuming he is a safe dad?)

You'd be surprised by what some mum's will do just to get one over on their ex. Not saying that was the case here but you never know. If dad had an actual court order in place he would have the kids on his time whether they were sick or not and it wouldn't be mum's call but he hasn't bothered to get one so he can't really complain.

Court might listen to the what the children want. Your DP should have sorted it years ago.

What the children need is covered by maintenance

A friend has an ex who started messing him about with contact. She left him around Christmas and they agreed 50/50 for the kids. In February/March she started messing about trying to stop him having the kids. Emergency court hearing happened in June and the proper hearing is early September. So six months more or less to (hopefully) get proper access legally nailed down and stability for the kids. If he hasn’t done it in over 3 years it’s not his ex that’s the problem.

My then DP (now DH) tolerated crap like this for approximately two months (after about a year of increasing animosity after she found out I existed) before getting a solicitor involved to set things up legally. It was a horrible time and I was close to pulling the plug and walking as I didn't want my whole life to flip on some other woman's huffs and tantrums to be perfectly honest.
Luckily DH got his finger out before I had to issue an ultimatum but I'd have done it rather than hang around in perpetual misery with him.

Interesting to hear from others' experiences.

This^ truthfully op I'd be seriously questioning why you're the one on here asking these questions when he could have done it before now. Or now. It sounds like on some level it's suited him to be sad and morose without having to actually do anything or take responsibility. He can play victim without having to actually parent more. There hasn't been anything you've said that has realistically stopped him going to his solicitors to renegotiate contact officially. He could have asked these questions before so no reason for him to need you to do it.

Red flag in my book to be honest.

If you're in the UK

Mediation first - if that fails then off to court. Unless they are exempt from mediation - ie/ domestic abuse

If she refuses mediation he can get the certificate signed then off to court

Court - C100 form - costs around £250

Why hasn't he sorted this years ago though?

The pièce de résistance was a thread where a woman posted that her partner's ex was threatening to go to CMS to get more maintenance, and he didn't want this to happen because "CMS might make me pay less than I do now". And she believed him.

I would say op be cautious in how involved you get. I've definitely seen my friends exes play the 'She won't let me see the kids card' when they get a new GF. As that sounds better than 'I couldn't be bothered and kept letting them down'.

Tbh I can understand why mothers might be apprehensive about the situation once a new partner is on the scene. They have had no part in “ screening” this person with access in the father’s home to the Dc, and it’s not as if they not as if they normally have the highest level of faith in their ex’s judgment if the relationship has reached breakdown point. None of this makes the mother a bad or difficult person and it would be nice to see a bit more respect and empathy for mums in this situation. It is really about concern for the Dc and what they are being exposed to - which is as it should be. Not convenience for the new partner. I think when entering into a relationship with someone with an ex you need to do do with sensitivity around these things. Ex mums get horribly vilified on here.

Well that's an awful lot of assumptions in one little post.
I hadn't even met DSD when all this kicked off. Our first meeting was two years after DH and I got together as we didn't want to rush anything or have her feeling uncomfortable. But I existed, and that alone was enough. All of a sudden everything was a problem and a fight that was fine before. She had no justification for keeping his child from him.