DPs ex only lets him see DC on her terms

[BringItOnxxx]

My DP of 3 years is always upset because his ex only allows sporadic access (I.e. when she is working). This makes him morose and down. I've told him to get a proper access agreement in place but he is scared she'll withhold this kids more. Any advice? She doesn't allow sleepovers either.

Also there no abuse, he's a good dad and pays full maintenance plus extras.

Damned if you do damned if you don't.

You have no clue what you're talking about

I agree but isn’t it obvious?

The allegation in these types of threads is that the ex somehow has so much invested in the relationship ( that’s over, a demise that might even have been precipitated by the ex wife because she no longer wants to be in it) that they want to interfere and remain somehow present in the new relationship, even if in a negative way; when if you look at it objectively, it’s the new partner who has everything to gain from spinning a yarn about the vileness of the ex and hammering a few extra nails in the coffin of the previous relationship to fully secure her status as the new partner. And as soon as the extra time with the Dc is granted it will like as not flick over into one of those “ my dsc is a pain. Are we obliged to take them on holiday?” threads. Blended families are a feature of modern society but that doesn’t mean they don’t remain a real challenge. Families can be hard anyway; but when you add in all the conflicting layers of tension and motivations that I think sometimes those involved don’t even see for what they are when new “ non family” members are injected into it, it’s no wonder it is a minefield. I do think if you are the “new arrival” in the mix, it pays to be as averse as possible to grabbing the stirring spoon.

I think you are being very naive about what some mom's do. It's not always the guys. I have this situation in my extended family. Has a court order but the mom comes up with all sorts of excuses and it's soul destroying. As the child gets older it's not easy to take the mom to court as the teen will see it as something bad to do to their mom and on it goes. It's OK to say all these things but the reality on the ground is not as simple as people are making out.
I know mothers here see all sorts but give this guy some credit.

We've been through the courts for access to my exh's dc, got a court order thought that was the end of her withholding access. His ex wife was furious that he took her to court and still refused to comply with the court order. Back to court 6 months later nearly 100 breaches by the ex and she pretty much got away with it, new court order issues and she didn't follow that either.
It's really not as easy as people make it out to be and it's a very stressful situation.

In over 3 years the OP’s boyfriend hasn’t even once tried to formalise contact arrangements.

So it’s not the same as your situation (which does sound horrendous) at all.

For him, like many others, it really could be that easy.

”Don’t bother trying because it’s not necessarily that easy” isn’t great advice.

Though in reality she can withhold it, yes she will be hauled in front of the judge who will tell her off and tell her to abide by it, but what can the judge do? Not much apart from jail her, and hardly any judge will send a mother of young kids to jail for that.

As others have said, HE needs to start court proceedings to obtain a COA with set days / times for handovers and contact.

If I were you OP I would be more concerned about his lack of action for so long. From my own / friends/ family members experience I would say there are likely two reasons for this.

Either he genuinely is so terrified of her stopping contact completely that he is completely dancing to her tune. If this is true then I would be very concerned about living with/ having children with him in the future as this won’t change and your own life will be completely dictated by what she says.

Or his lack of overnights is actually due to his lack of effort with his DC, but instead of acknowledging that he’s fine with this arrangement, he’s choosing to spout the “bitter ex stopping contact” line. This also doesn’t bode well for your future with him if you are planning marriage, kids ect.