DPs ex only lets him see DC on her terms

[BringItOnxxx]

My DP of 3 years is always upset because his ex only allows sporadic access (I.e. when she is working). This makes him morose and down. I've told him to get a proper access agreement in place but he is scared she'll withhold this kids more. Any advice? She doesn't allow sleepovers either.

Also there no abuse, he's a good dad and pays full maintenance plus extras.

I’m not gooliwinv what the assumptions were that don’t apply though. From what you say thd mum got difficult when she knew you were on the scene? I was just explaining why that isn’t such an unusual response for a mum.

Doesn't mean alot of her actions weren't out of spite and just deliberately being difficult though does it? Especially as I was nowhere near her child, which she 100% knew.
Safe to say that at that time (things have been civil and actually friendly for years now) I had about as much respect for her as she had for me.

Do the dads get a say in mum’s new boyfriend then ?

Its MN, I don’t think it’s the mum’s who get vilified on here…

If they can get bothered to worry I think that’s admirable. Also it’s not so much “having a say”; it’s being hesitant about your children spending time with them. I’d have thought a lot of dads might worry about this.

They do worry they just understand it's not up to them to dictate their exes life. And the usually don't stop access out of spite.

Yes but you’re instantly conflating the two. Worrying about your Dc and dictating the life of your ex/ doing it out of spite are not the same thing.

Any hesitation around putting your Dc into a situation you have reservations about isn’t spiteful. The mums I have known who have worried about this couldn’t have cared less what their ex was up to: they just didn’t want their Dc exposed to people they thought were a bit iffy.

There's a lot of difference between having reservations or concerns and making it your mission to cause as much agro and bad feelings as possible, not to mention the distress caused to the child suddenly not allowed to see her parent.
As it happens, DH currently has some quiet reservations about his exs BF but he's dealing with it by maintaining civil relations with his ex and BF (ex has actually been asking him for advise on how to handle this situation) and making sure his DD has the time and space to speak to him about her own feelings.
He's not throwing a massive strop, calling her all the names under the sun and refusing to return her child to her.

No point going to court then as the eldest wishes will be taken into account and presumably they like things as they are.

Exactly. To be honest we have reservations about the ex herself because she's not a good mum but there's not a whole lot we can do as she's not bad enough to merit losing custody. My DSD6 came home one day and told us her mum's BF had been shouting at her mum in the car and making her cry and they were shouting at each other in a McDonald's carpark and he grabbed her mum by her jeans and ripped them. We have recorded what DSD told us in a diary. DH confronted the BF and told him he doesn't give a fuck what the two of them do, if they want to knock lumps out of each other, but when his DD comes home scared then that's a problem. They have plenty of kid free time to fight. He warned him that he better not hear his DD saying she's scared again.

My DH has also spoke to his lawyer about some concerns and we've spoken to a friend who's a social worker. Unfortunately both have advised that without solid evidence of abuse towards my DSD there's no much we can do.

We keep an eye on things. We record any incidents. If we ever felt DSD was unsafe we would go through the proper channels, not play games.

That's the difference. It's usually not a genuine concern for their child wellbeing it's just jealousy or bitterness.

He needs to pull his finger out if his arse, grow a pair and go to court

This exactly.

Any excuse in the book.

Nonsense.

All adults with kids should be sensible and reasonable when it comes to the kids as it's in the kids BEST INTERESTS.

The ex here is acting in her own best interests. She is absolutely the problem.

Yes he should have gone to court but she is fundamentally the one on the wrong.

This site really needs to step in and correct the narrative on this.

It could be resolved very easily with a court order. If he doesn't do this he's not a good Dad.

As somebody that has gone through the process I can confirm it is a real concern.

It can take from 6 months to 2 years to get through court and in some cases merely a basic level of contact with the kids. In that time the ex is withholding the kids for no reason but spite and doesn't get as much as a slap on the wrist at the end of it.

OPs boyfriend hasn't bothered to sort a court order, so the length of time doesn't matter. He doesn't care about his kids enough to be a parent. Now they're old enough to vote with their feet. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yup. It's disgusting that they can just get away with it. Been there as well. DH was advised not to collect his DD from nursery since her mum has said she was withholding access yet nothing was said to her about the fact that she stopped access purely out of spite.

The things is, when DHs ex withheld access he was on the phone to a lawyer the following day. OPs OH has had years to take action and has done nothing. He already wasn't seeing the kids so what damage would seeking a court order do?

You’ve no idea ehh she is acting the way she is; you’ve heard one side of the story.

Why have you posted on the step parent forum?

If he won't go to court there's nothing you can do.

Isn't that what we get on pretty much all the threads though. One side of the story...

How you've come to that conclusion I've no idea.

It seems like you've pretty much ignored what the OP has said about the situation and decided to base on your own protections.

I read the OPs posts. You can select to see all of them. The boyfriends kids are merely visitors to his house for a few hours on a Monday and occasional weekend days. He has chosen to not sort a court order. For years.

I'm bemused why so many women on Mumsnet start threads about their husband/ partners apparently awful ex. They must often be based on partial information

He is an idiot … needs to go to court to get an order.

Don’t get involved in this weird circus of hate.

The OP said they want to see their Dad.

Why would they vote with their feet not to go? Unless it's alienation on the exs side.

If a man wants something to happen, he'll make it happen, or at the very least he'll try bloody hard to.

It takes time, effort and energy to get a court order and then to actually raise your children consistently in accordance with that order.

It's much easier to whine about "not being able to see my kids" than actually do something about it and have to do school runs and juggle childcare around work and help with homework and be an actual parent.

These men who moan about not getting enough access are usually the same ones who palm their kids off onto grandparents or girlfriends as soon as they do 🙄