Is step parenting always so thankless?

[tiredoutmumma24]

NC'd for this. DSS is 7 and as much as he's a lovely boy and well-behaved (when he's with us) and I do love him why do I hate being a step mum so much? It just seems such a thankless chore when he's here. I have a 6 month old LO too so their needs are so different at the moment, and I'm fast forwarding being a parent without having had chance to take each step along the way, so maybe I'm just feeling a bit pulled.
What annoys me most is that myself and DH try to make our home a loving, happy place but it's still never good enough. Are all children so ungrateful? I feel exhausted even trying. DSS told me today he doesn't really like it here, wants to go to mummies and his favourite thing here is his football, ohh and sometimes his little brother Sorry for the rant

Have you thought of it from the child's viewpoint?

He is 7. Of course his football is more interesting.
Your 6 month makes him look big but he is a just a little kid getting used to a new sibling

Agree. Sounds like he got the short end of the stick, while all of the adults are pleasing themselves.

The problem is you are comparing your step child to your own baby. You need to reframe it as your family. But that’s the rub.

I just don't understand why some adult women cannot empathise with these poor kids.

I've read stepmum posts on here and sometimes I think yes you have it tough. That's alot to deal with.

But this kid is decent and well behaved it seems. He misses his mum the poor lad. I always feel these threads as I remember being dumped places and the pain and agony of wanting my mum absolutely tired me apart. I will never forget that. Any kid I've ever had over say they miss their mum,I'd do everything to listen and sympathise.

Did you grow up with your two parents together? This maybe why you can't feel for this young lad.

All 7 year olds come out with studf like that ref the football. YOU can make him feel different do you know that. It's in your power,with support of the dad to make him love being with you guys.

Having the 6 month old must be difficult as I can see that will totally distract you and your focus.

Poor little fella misses his mum 😪 💔 I missed my mum too at his age; it was huge and scary and all-encompassing being parted from her. I hated it.

Plus he has a new sibling who will demand your attention in that immediate way that babies do.

Maybe he misses you and the relationship that you and he had prior to the baby? Have you known him a while?

Are your family / friends visiting new baby and leaving him out? (Not judging but seen this played out where DSC gets ignored by mum's side of the family who have no blood ties.)

I guess it's good he's comfortable enough to talk to you but what sparked the conversation? Why was he listing his favourite things for you?
He'll pick up that you feel he's ungrateful if you ask what he likes at yours.

Please read up on attachment OP. I feel so sorry for the poor little lad.

If you're going he'll express gratitude for your place in his life I think you're going to sorely disappointed.

My 10yr old regularly tells me he hates me, his sister, his room, etc. Usually as I won't let him play on his tablet, or ask him to tidy his room, etc. I suspect alot of it is age and it will be a while before he grows out of it. Try not to take what he says to seriously.

Split parents/ step parents are alot to take in for a 7yr old. And I think you are equally right, you've gone from baby to 7 in a blink and missed the bits in-between - that has to he a tough gig.

Did this resentment intensify after you had your own child by any chance? Seems to be the norm according to MN - everything's fine until you have your own children and then you realise what it actually feels like to have a child and you will never feel that way about another woman's child. Spare a thought for the kid who has no choice in this and perhaps even for his mother who I'm sure funds it difficult to be separated from her child and know that he is around another women who would prefer he doesn't exist.

Why would you expect a 7 year old to be grateful? Wait until yours is the same age and see if they behave any differently.

Your exhaustion at being a new mum is not your step son’s fault.

What do you expect him to be grateful for, having to traipse between two homes? Having to come see his dad with his new family? In spite of it all he's well behaved, what more do you expect, oh, apart from him to not miss his mum!

That poor boy is so young with way too many expectations on him.

Sounds like a typical 7 year old - they don't really have any empathy.

A six month old baby is of limited interest to a 7 year old boy who wants to play football. If football is his thing, run with it, parenting is hard and step parenting often harder. Children also pick up on not being welcome/ resentment.
You've got years of this ahead btw so maybe adjust your parameters .

I think most 7 year olds would be a bit unsettled by a new baby, even if they shared two parents.

Who do you want to be thanked by? Your own kids won't be saying thanks for feeding me. You do it because you care about them. Do you care about this child? Or are you doing it as a chore and so need the thanks.

It's too late now OP but I suspect that the number of people that are suited to step parenting, especially alongside biological children, is very low. All you can do is have realistic expectations of yourself and your step son. He's in a very tricky situation for a child and needs to be supported through it.

wants to go to mummies and his favourite thing here is his football, ohh and sometimes his little brother

He’s 7! 7! What on earth were you expecting?
when your baby is 7 and away from you do you think they won’t miss you? Or love football? Or find someone 6.5 years younger than them boring?
Come on, give your head a wobble.

Children don’t have to be grateful for their parents or their partners providing them with basic things like food, shelter and clean clothes. Those things are a parents job. You deserve the gratitude from the child’s parent when you do some of his work for him.

He is unhappy because he doesn’t want to be with you and his Dad. He wants to be home with his Mum, in his room with his things and play with his friends. Children of divorced parents are like little parcels being passed from one weekend to another. Think how miserable he must feel - knowing that he is has to leave his home to visit you - and you have a baby that takes all the attention.

Is it always so thankless?

Probably. Which is why anyone with any sense/life experience would never become one.

Shit for the DSS too to have to go somewhere he's not wanted.

Very very few people are cut out to be brilliant step parents, and I have full admiration for those that have that capacity.

We've just come back from a lovely holiday. DS5 said one of his favourite things was watching the automatic bollards move up and down to let cars through!

I remember having my first and seeing older children and thinking they seemed huge and not at really cute any more, as they were often a bit grimy (dirt, snot etc) and sometimes a bit grumpy. Of course I think my children are wonderful and adorable now! I also remember having my second and being pulled between two children of different ages and with different needs. That will be tougher as a step parent where this is your first experience of having a baby and you also have someone else's needs to meet.

Your DSS has had a big change in his life emotionally and there are likely some practical adjustments too e.g. changes to routines in his time with you. I'd try to remain consistent and not take it too personally, which is always harder when you are tired. Send him and his dad off to kick a ball round at the park and have some space for a bit. Maybe your DP could take the baby too.

7 is tiny. Still a baby, really. Of course he seems huge compared to your actual baby, but he's still very little. You are the adult here, cut him some slack.

Yeah...I guess this is a common scenario.

I wouldn't ever choose to be a step mum, even if I really loved the man.

What exactly do you want from this young child? For him to not miss his mum? Honestly I know it's too late but these step parents who expect the child to be grateful for being allowed through the front door really piss me off, he's 7, between two homes, new sibling, well behaved, and you seem to have a personal issue with a child for being a 7 year old.

Also, your domestic set up is a result of adult choices. Your stepson has no say.
I think expecting gratitude from him is a tad unrealistic. He's only 7. Who are you really? Dad's new family.
He's just got to go with the flow.