Is step parenting always so thankless?

[tiredoutmumma24]

NC'd for this. DSS is 7 and as much as he's a lovely boy and well-behaved (when he's with us) and I do love him why do I hate being a step mum so much? It just seems such a thankless chore when he's here. I have a 6 month old LO too so their needs are so different at the moment, and I'm fast forwarding being a parent without having had chance to take each step along the way, so maybe I'm just feeling a bit pulled.
What annoys me most is that myself and DH try to make our home a loving, happy place but it's still never good enough. Are all children so ungrateful? I feel exhausted even trying. DSS told me today he doesn't really like it here, wants to go to mummies and his favourite thing here is his football, ohh and sometimes his little brother Sorry for the rant

I would not expect dating a parent would be particularly enjoyable or easy, no.

Expecting gratitude from a young child is strange. What for? His parents chose to have him, it's their responsibility to feed, house, clothe had raise him. No gratitude required.

I took DS1 at a similar age for a lovely day out once to a car museum, he did all the activities, seemed to have a brilliant day. When I asked him at the end what his favourite bit was, he said the fishfingers 😀

It can be hard when you have a baby not to presume that the older child is more adult than they actually are, because suddenly they look huge and wise in comparison. Might that be happening here?

Parenting and step parenting are thankless. Children are not meant to thank care givers. They are too young to consider your feelings. You are the adult and able to think of your own feelings and theirs.

like with bio children it’s the long game…. They will thank you in years to come when they are adults …. So long as you deserve it that is…. My older children love their step mum now. She has not always got it right but she has tried and done her best and that is obvious to the children and me. She has her own children and she must find it hard.

But parenting is hard

What have you done for him that wasn't directly as a result of the fact you are in a relationship with his father? If anyone should be grateful it's your husband - does he show appreciation for your efforts?

I'm not looking to have a go at you btw...I can well understand how you must be feeling. I wouldn't enjoy it either, like I said.
This is the reality of other people's children. They are a whole person and won't always neatly slot in to your expectations and preferences.
It's tough.

He's just a little boy 😞

Yes, it’s thankless.

Step back a bit. It’s for his DF to do most of the grunt work, you don’t need to do it and feel resentful. It’s also your DH who should be thanking you when you put in a massive effort with his DC.

One thing that helped us with dss when he was that age was actively doing the things he liked to do - so if he liked football, we would all go to the park or in the garden, and me and his dad would play football with him. When we had a baby, one of us would look after the baby at the park and the other would play football and then swap, so he got to spend time with us all as a family and individually.

I would buy him little packs of football cards which became "our thing" so each time he came to ours id give him a pack of football cards which made the transition from his mum's house a little easier and only cost me £1 or so. We would watch football with him, listen to him talk about football, id learn about his favourite team so i could have a basic conversation with him about it. I probably would have done something like bought him and the baby each a cheap football kit of his favourite team which would have helped him feel like he was involved with the baby and that he could then have something in common with the baby - he might feel the baby gets all the attention.

Have you asked him if there's anything he misses about his mum's? My dss wanted to bring his ipad but we only figured that out after he said he didn't want to come - once he realised he was allowed to bring his ipad with him, he was much happier because he used it to regulate and cope with missing home.

I think you should read up on attachment theory and realise this little boy want his mum which is biologically and psychologically normal.

Just like your baby wants you, not anyone else.

Imagine his little world, all these adults making these choices to make them feel happier. Two people got together, made a choice to raise a baby, then changed their minds. This kid, and you, are now facing the consequences of that. You're the adult, he's not, so suck it up or move on if you can't.

And i have no interest at all in football, i hate it.

But being a stepmum, i have a greater responsibility to that little boy to be engaged, caring and interested in his life, than i do to my hatred of football. I chose to be in his life, he didn't choose me so if i think it's hard, then you can bet he's finding it a lot more difficult - he's only little.

I think it's good he told you that, OP, I know it must have been hurtful to hear (although I do agree with pps - he's 7 and it is totally rational that he feels that way, it's not about you*) But he has confided in you, I'd see that as a step closer to you. Offer him some empathy in those moments and you will likely become closer. Take it as a compliment he is talking about negative feelings with you and try to focus on sharing his feelings rather than get distracted by the content of them.

I think all parenting is pretty thankless tbh, it's just par for the course. Your own one-day-to-be-seven-year-old will be horribly ungrateful too. You will, however, completely appreciate kindness shown to them by other adults when they were struggling.

*it's not about you is the basic state of parenting

Who are you expecting thanks from?

Good advice @WoopsLiza

Parenting is thankless. Step or otherwise. Children can be incredibly hard but they are also fun, joyous and create a family. They are reliant on you as adults to actually be the adults.

Where is your DH, his Dad in all this? When he comes to your house he is there because it’s his Dad’s time with him. So your DH needs to be being Mum and Dad to his kid. He needs to provide the nurture and cuddles and safety that his son misses from his own mum. He should be involved with everything for his child. If you’re there too that’s great. But if this is about you trying to be a mum substitute to this child, stop. Be a kind aunty and general provider and facilitator - but make his Dad build the bonds and the safety that this child needs.

That also means your DH should make his child’s dinner / family dinner at least once in a weekend, have breakfast with him, talk to him about school and football etc, do his washing and put away his clothes in his room, involve his child in these chores, find out who his friends are, his favourite teachers, what he likes to watch on tv. Too often the dads just rock up football in the park and they have no clue about any details of their child’s life, preferences, worries etc.

I often feel that DSC are ungrateful but then I think back to my childhood and I don’t think I was grateful until I was an adult. I also get that having separated parents isn’t easy and often it’s a pain for kids so what are we expecting them to be grateful about? I think often these things can feel more exaggerated after having your own child as it forces you to really recognise how different you feel towards your own.
Also all kids are annoying at times and that includes your own

I wish you were my son’s stepmum!

His shows absolutely no interest in him, he gets no one-on-one time with his Dad and feels completely replaced

This.
Your reward is in seeing happy, well balanced children grow up.
Actually he's telling you he misses his Mum, simply because he misses his Mum. It's not to be unkind to you.
My DSD used to ask me all sorts of awkward questions about things but not to make me feel uncomfortable - she had identified me as someone she could talk to.
My SC are adults too now and we get on very well.

😥I'm so sorry for him - he deserves better especially from his dad - he shouldn't have allowed that to happen. My dh grew up with a succession of step mothers like that and I've seen the damage it can do. Your son will always know that you were there for him.

His stepmum (and dad) are the ones who are poorer for not trying to have a relationship with him - mine has grown into a lovely young man and we have a great relationship.

I won't pretend it's always been easy, especially with dss mum because she's very controlling and has been difficult, but putting him first means grinning and bearing A LOT and remembering that this little boy didn't choose any of this and he deserves to be loved by everyone in his life.

Lots of sensible posts on here.

I do hope this little boy's father is spending plenty of time with him. He has to share his Dad with you and now a new baby, it must be bewildering for him.

And i have no interest at all in football, i hate it.

You might even get to enjoy it in the end ....
It takes years

I agree to an extent that the contact time is for dad/son and they do need time together just the two of them but it's also vital that op is engaging with her step child too in order to build family relationships. She's the mum of his brother, she's not going anywhere so only doing the approach you've suggested runs the risk of creating two separate family units when dss is there - dh and dss, and op and baby. In my family we found that was starting to happen, and it wasn't helpful - it was creating a little bit of resentment. the answer for us was to fully involve dss in family life with us, not to behave differently because he was here. So if i do the cooking, i cook for everyone. Dh does the laundry, so he does everyone's laundry at the same time. Dss sees us acting as a unit to take care of everyone the same.

It's such a hard balancing act but basically, don't expect any gratitude from any 7 year old, they're just not built that way. It was enough for me that dh expressed that he was grateful for all the things i did for his son. I did expect basic manners from dss - please, thank you for gifts, the same way i would my own children. But he doesn't need to go overboard because sometimes it's just basic things that need to be done to look after a child and why does he need to be grateful for that?

Id also pick things up for him from the shops if i felt he would like them - a little packet of sweets, a little toy he had mentioned maybe once a month or so, so he would get ad hoc gifts the way i do for my own dc now. I also get him birthday/xmas presents labelled from daddy and rosa, but also just from rosa. Not buying his affection, but showing him id been thinking of him and that we had a stepmum/son relationship that wasn't just "daddys girlfriend/wife" seems to have gone a long way.

I'm 40 now, and i don't love it yet 😂i guess there's still time!

So one more thing op - if you're feeling taken for granted, that's a problem for your dh to solve, not dss.

Look up the NACHO method of step parenting. You can’t care more than their parents & they aren’t your children.

Step parenting is an absolutely thankless task. As women society expects us to ‘nurture’ but god help you if you step on mums toes or overstep the line. Throw in the mix a toxic EW (which I have) and the thankless task becomes tenfold.

Parents see their children through rose tinted spectacles, we see all of their flaws.

Bite your tongue and smile through the pain. As they get older it does get better.