Is step parenting always so thankless?

[tiredoutmumma24]

NC'd for this. DSS is 7 and as much as he's a lovely boy and well-behaved (when he's with us) and I do love him why do I hate being a step mum so much? It just seems such a thankless chore when he's here. I have a 6 month old LO too so their needs are so different at the moment, and I'm fast forwarding being a parent without having had chance to take each step along the way, so maybe I'm just feeling a bit pulled.
What annoys me most is that myself and DH try to make our home a loving, happy place but it's still never good enough. Are all children so ungrateful? I feel exhausted even trying. DSS told me today he doesn't really like it here, wants to go to mummies and his favourite thing here is his football, ohh and sometimes his little brother Sorry for the rant

Put a football t-shirt on the baby and take him to the garden to watch his brother play/practice and enjoy activities as a family be enthusiastic about him and the things he likes. He can call mummy if he misses her that might make him feel better. He wants people to love and care about him too!

Personally I don't find it thankless. I find step-parenting very rewarding but not because the kids thank me or show gratitude for what I do for them. Kids rarely show gratitude towards their bio parents never mind step-parents. Kids usually don't appreciate their parents until they're adults and usually not until they have kids themselves.

He's 7. He misses his mum. That's normal. Doesn't mean he hates you or his dad.

This. Maybe that's why I've never found it thankless because my DH tells me often how much he appreciates everything I do and how I'm a great stepmum.

Yes, I absolutely do what I do for the kids because I love and care about them but ultimately the things I do make my DHs life a lot easier as well.

Thanks all, I think I vented yesterday after a long day and hard work trying to entertain both and give them both what they needed. I don't resent my DSS and understand, more so now, about how he might be feeling. Maybe I should have said why is parenting so thankless, I suppose I have that all to come from my LO anyway so might as well get the practice in.
I've tried to make it more of a home for him, a football for the garden and some they garden toys, new Lego and colouring books which I sit with him to do as much as I can with baby allowing.
I don't think it helps that his mum drops him off here sometimes unplanned and when he's being naughty there, probably seeing here as more of a punishment than home too. I do feel for him, I really do.

Was also thinking this.

What does your dh say about it all? Is he hands on and supportive or is he one of those who leave you to it while he goes off with his mates ?
Does dad interact with his Ds ? If not then his dc, your ss, will feel even more resentful of the new family set up. And you’ll get the brunt of it.

No 7 year old is grateful for their parents parenting them, I don't think many 18 year olds or 30 year olds are either. It's his dad's job and it became yours too when you married him.

Ah poor little lad ... That's not fair to drop him off and make dad's house a place of punishment. It sounds like you really are doing your best so i can understand why it's hard when nobody seems to notice that you're making all this effort and it's going unnoticed - but you're putting in the hard yards right now, laying the groundwork for this little boy having a safe and supportive home and family with people who love him - you may not feel you're seeing any benefit now, but trust me on some level, he is seeing the benefit. And as i say if you're feeling unappreciated - think about what would help and address that with dh. You and dh have to keep communicating.

When dss gets dropped off for being naughty, how does he take it? What do you all do? It's even more understandable that he will want to cling to his mum but she's rejected him - that's got to hurt, even if he doesn't show it. My aunt used to do that with one of my cousins and i don't think her lack of self esteem is a coincidence.

Id be making his bedroom as comfortable and cosy as possible so that he's got a safe place to retreat to once he gets to yours, and id be pushing dh to talk to dss as much as possible about how he feels about having been dropped off etc, how he feels generally, making sure he knows he's loved and cared for. Sometimes id have a similar, lighter conversation with dss over the years as well, just so he knew there was another safe adult in his life that he could talk to if he doesn't want to speak to his parents. Sometimes he has chosen to open up to me more than he has his dad. You could try just having a chat with him while you're doing colouring with him.

This rejection of him by his mother is probably leading to dss acting up more.

Perhaps dh needs to arrange more time for dss to have planned stays at your house so there's less stress and pressure at her house, and less chance he's going to get dumped on the doorstep because that won't be doing him any good at all. Poor thing.

Op you need to talk to your DH about the unplanned drop offs though. If you're expected to do childcare when it happens then you need to consent to it.

Ah that's really unfair ref the drop offs. That's not ok to do that and sets a terrible precedent.

I think you're a decent person deep down and I think you are potentially a really good stepmum.

The husband has got to diplomatically and non confrontationally speak to his ex about this. It's unfair on all of you and it makes sense that would impact your feelings.

Quite often (not always) SM's are younger women who find themselves with a somewhat grown child, who when they have their own children, have a different relationship and level of patience with the kids. Whilst for the dad, both are equal, for the SM, they usually aren't.

I remember even my 2 year old seeming huge when I had my next baby. 7 is still so young and he clearly feels comfortable with you to be able to be honest about missing his mum.

Step parenting is a thankless task and I never took the leap to blending families in 10 years with my ex, preferring to keep separate homes and separate lives to a certain extent.

You've got a child together so you don’t have that option anymore, so all you can do is make sure that you and your H are on the same page re parenting and that you have equal say in what happens in your home. Most step parenting problems seem to stem from not feeling heard or having any sway over life in your own home when the DSCs are there. That was certainly my experience whenever we got anywhere close to blending.

Maybe you could try and spend time on your own with him, take him to the park with a ball, leaving your H to look after the baby. Or go to the cinema together etc, so that you and he can build a relationship without your other child in the mix. It will be hard for him knowing that his dad lives with his half brother all the time and only sees him some of the time so the temptation is to leave him with his dad more, but you’ll be happier if you can have a loving relationship with him too instead of seeing him as the interloper in your family.

Very narrow minded

Parenting in general is hard and with out the link of the child being your own and the fact you have less say over parenting I think makes step parenting very hard (I’m the other side in that I have a ds with ex so see how dp and my ds interact). It’s also extra tough because the child is moving between 2 homes which my ds has found really unsettling.

I think it works best when the actual parent takes on most of the work/time etc and step parent steps back. Especially with a younger child in the mix, I so appreciate DP having our younger one so that I can do activities etc suitable for DS.

I’d also say that 7 is not a very grateful age in my experience! It’s old enough that we feel they should be able to realise and express it but actually they are just not quite there yet. Ds is now 12 and very grateful and appreciative (although teen grumpiness is now creeping in). I’d also remember that he may say things about “mummy’s house” or wanting to go home to you but is probably saying to his mum “at dad’s we do this amazing thing…” and driving her slightly mad also!

My DS will often not appear grateful in front of DP but when me and him are alone he will say thank you effusively.

They will seem ungrateful due to their immaturity and also having their home setup changed. But the gratitude does come in adulthood if you have stuck around and been supportive as a parent throughout the years.

@Sitdownrosa I just wanted to say how lovely your posts are and what a lovely stepmum you must be. You'd be fab as a step-parenting consultant, if such a thing exists! So glad you have enjoyed a great relationship with your DSS into adulthood. Lucky boy!

That is awful re the drop offs. You sound like you're doing your best OP. This thread has been quite supportive but MN in general can be horrible to stepmothers and I think it would be more helpful if this could be a safe space for stepmums to vent out all their ugliest/most taboo l
feelings (because they are normal feelings- as pp have pointed out, exceptionally few enjoy the role) so they don't seep out onto the kids. Good luck to you OP. Be kind to yourself. It's OK to have bad days and feel whatever you feel as it sounds like you're holding it all in and doing your best for your DSS.

You need to get your DH to put a stop to the random drop offs. Expecting you to be on-call is ridiculous and unfair. It's also setting up a very toxic scenario for this little boy if your house is being used as punishment...blimey. This kid needs structure and routine not to be shunted off when he's 'bad'. What a mess.

@Newnamesameoldlurker thank you, and to those other pp's that have been supportive and pleasant and offered advice. When I play it all over in my mind I feel like I'm trying to do my best with both children and I spoke with DH last night who said I'm doing a great job and he knows it isn't easy, I woke up with a clearer head and more positive attitude this morning.

Step-parenting is hard and it definitely does feel thankless. Lots of people can say, "oh but so does being a parent" but it's on a different level and I dint think anyone can truly understand it unless they are a step-parent. I know I didn't, I work with children with behavioural needs and have dealt with some of the most awful and extreme behaviour you can imagine, which naively I thought meant that being a step-parent would be a walk in the park in comparison. I was so wrong and it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

PPs are telling you to put yourself in the child's shoes and yes that's true, particularly as it can help you to understand their behaviour and put things into perspective, but that doesn't mean that you and your feelings don't matter, they do. Finding things difficult doesn't make you an evil step-mother.

FWIW I think you sound like a caring step mum who puts time and effort into bonding with your DSS. But at 7 he is too young to show gratitude and in some ways it’s healthy that he takes being cared for for granted. It’s down to DP to show his gratitude for everything that you do.

Could you try a tack like “I’ve been run off my feet with both kids this weekend, would you mind taking the baby for a walk for an hour/to see your mum for the afternoon so I can watch some trash TV/get a nap/whatever you want to do”

I think you just need more give and take from DP and a bit of thanks.

It could also help if your DP takes your son out on their own. It will help DSS to spend time alone with his dad and give you some time. Perhaps they can watch the local football team and grab a burger (no need to cook a big dinner!) or go for a long bike ride.

Dad also needs to be encouraged to do more of the work. Even the worst cook can manage to warm up a quiche and make a salad, or put a few pizzas in the oven. If you don’t trust him to sort the washing and select the right programme, he can be responsible for hanging it out and folding the dry clothes.

OP you sound like you are doing a good job . My DSC is an adult now but I’ve been where you are and it’s hard work . My heart breaks for your DSS being dropped off as a punishment - that’s not right at all . Keep showing him love and attention and you can’t go far wrong

Sitdownrosa, what a lovely attitide! Equally lovely towards a child or a step-child. Taking an interest in what other people like, sharing it with them, and encouraging them in it is a wonderful way to show that you value them and see them as an individual worth developing a relationship with. It’s a good skill to have dealing with other adults, too. I suppose people could turn up their noses at anything that they don’t consider personally fascinating…but in my experience you make a lot more friends when you make the effort to share their special things, too. (And it makes it more likely they will be willing listen to your “boring” interests in return!) Being interested in other people is a basic conversational skill.

So often children aren’t seen as true individuals, just controllable objects that are expected to slot in to big people’s plans, or presumed to be boring/selfish/unable to have a deep thought. What you described is so respectful and positive towards that little lad.

Football cards! My daughter loves these, and it’s a family thing for all of us (me, her, and her dad). Sometimes during a tournament we’ll buy a whole bunch of packs, and make it a fun breakfast ritual of opening one pack every day, then pass them around and find something silly to remark about, such as if the players have fun hairstyles, or share our birthdays. They provide very good value for their cost as a conversation starter. And these small gestures that show generosity and a willingness to enter kids’ worlds can have very large positive impact.

7 year olds are, on the whole, usually unhappy about something. It's sort of their job and totally normal.

It's also totally normal to find someone else's child more irritating than your own, and subconsciously expect better behaviour. That, I think, is universally true and not something you should beat yourself up for - you don't have that in-built forgiveness that you do for your own child, no matter how much you are a family. It is not a reflection of how much you love him or a failing of yourself as a step parent, but it definitely can feel like one and that might be making you a bit stressed out that things aren't 'easier'.

Once you can recognise and accept that you are not an awful person to be feeling this way, you might be able to give both him and yourself a bit more slack. You say he's on the whole a nice kid, that's great. He is also a little boy who is finding his feet and his manners and figuring out how to be him in amongst lots of feelings about his mum and a new baby and maybe homesickness etc - and your compassion will go far.

I'm not trying to say 'he can do no wrong poor little lamb' purely by virtue of his parents separating as you may hear a lot on these threads - he will still be legitimately rude and ungrateful at times, all kids are. But hopefully you and (hopefully mostly) DH can navigate that if everyone is a bit happier.

I was where you are 5 years ago. We made it through. It does get better.

It's totally thankless

My mate had been a step mother for the past ten years, she and her husband are now divorcing

The two boys she helped raised haven't seen her since they announced the divorce

Which I understand, they are teenagers now etc, but still.

It's a thankless, hard role

@Tellywellyjelly and @TryingToBeLogical

Thank you so much what a lovely thing to say 😊it's not been plain sailing and over the years I'm sure I've posted as op has looking for that bit of support but we've made it through and it does get easier as they get older and the child can speak for themselves a bit more.

Op I'm glad you're feeling better about it all and that dh feels you're doing a good job. It's totally natural to have a wobble every now and again but unloading somewhere like here, and talking to dh is exactly the right thing to do so you can keep showing up for dss the way he needs you to. You sound like a great stepmum - if you didn't care about him, you wouldn't have posted. Some days it's feels like the easiest thing in the world and other days it's a case of deep breath, chin up and keep putting one foot in front of the other until bedtime!