Fed up *Money related*

[Toooldtoworry]

I'm step-mum. I earn quite well. DH's income has halved after being made redundant multiple times during covid.

DSS Mum was working part-time and has now resigned.

She has advised DH that she is waiting for her benefits to come through.

DSS is going to secondary school this year and will need a whole new uniform.

DSS Mum has been telling DH that we need to buy him his new uniform this year (comes to about £300/£350 when factoring in blazers, logo'd PE Kit, shoes, etc). She's also mentioned that DSS wants a PS5 for Christmas.

We save monthly for his school clothing as we contribute as and when he needs new shoes, etc. We also save into a Birthday/Christmas pot to a set budget per person so we can make sure we have money to do it. We don't have PS5 money.

DH contribution to the household is about 1/4 of our household income and so if DSS wants extra it's always me picking up the bill. I know we're a team but I'm getting frustrated with the exes demands.

For context we have 5 kids between us and his ex assumed we'd leave our home to DSS in it's entirety, amongst other ideas that involve me contributing huge amounts of my earnings/savings/property to DSS.

DH and I do talk about this, and he is mostly on the same page but he doesn't see that I always end up spending out for the expensive DSS things.

Sorry it's long. Needed the anonymous rant.

She’s being ridiculous, feel fine about just saying no. What’s she going to do? You have no reason to have direct contact with her so if you currently are and don’t want to just stop. The child has two parents, you’re not one of them, step back. And he needs to be more worried about what you want than what she wants. If the balance is off restate your refusal to keep coughing up and stick to it.

You've already posted that she has 3 children with disabilities, the eldest whom she receives disability benefits for? Have you any idea how difficult it is to work even part time with a disabled child never mind 3

So the eldest has been assessed as being able to work and live assisted (is old enough to) and she refuses to let them The middle is working, and lives a 'normal' life. DSS is in full term education, the only additional help he has is physio once per week. Ex has previously worked full time and nothing has changed so I don't see the problem now.

I have no contact with her directly.

I've spoken to DH this evening and he's trying to say no in a nice way. I told him his boundaries need to be firmer.

You seem to know a lot about her life without having any contact with her.
Unless she has significant caring responsibilities she would not be able to just quit work and claim benefits .
The woman that you are vilifying has brought up 3 disabled children, probably without much help from their father.

@Flopsythebunny when DH and I first got married she asked to meet me and we've subsequently been at quite a few family events where she has openly discussed this, so no I'm not vilifying her.

We're very different people, I'll admit that and until she passed comment on my home I was still socialising with her. In all honesty I don't care that she's not working but she should accept the consequences of her actions are that DSS will go without. It's not my responsibility to pick up the short fall.

I have now been actively avoiding her since that comment because I can't believe the sheer cheek of it and I haven't thought of a measured response. Hence here to vent my frustrations instead of telling her to stop being a cheeky bitch.

Definitely uniform doesn't need to cost that much. Second hand or supermarket for things like trousers etc should be fine. You can save quite a bit that way.
If DS wants the PS5 then I'd suggest he asks all his relatives for a contribution for Christmas so he basically gets no other present. My DS did that 1 year for his gaming PC.

You don't mention the fact that she's raised and is still looking after 3 disabled children without their father

Has your husband been paying the cad amount all these years? How much is he paying for his youngest child per month now?

She's taking the piss, OP.

DH needs to tell her straight.

He has always paid above the CMS calculator - along with school shoes twice per year and other events like covering school trip costs etc. He has also previously covered big ticket gifts (2 PS4's/2 Switch/2 Tablets/TV/ETC) - DSS also has the same at our house. He will also increase CMS in September because his middle child finishes Uni and is starting work.

Also when he was out of work after being made redundant during covid I did bridge the gap of child support to ensure that DSS did not go without.

You need to work with the situation you're in, not the one you want - she's not going to get a job just because you want her to. Your DH needs to sort this - you say he doesn't recognise the extra money this costs you (really?). Tell him and tell him to have that difficult conversation with his ex. Also, why does this child need so much expensive tech and duplicated at both homes?

Except the fact that she has had help from all of her children's fathers and both have gone above and beyond to support her through the education system, etc. Both great with contact. Helping her out when cars break down/something in the house needs doing. They also both financially help her above and beyond their requirement (I am not saying they need a medal).

She is capable of working - she freely admits her eldest could have worked with more encouragement, and her middle child does work full time even though they have been diagnosed. DSS she has previously said to me will also be able to work with some coping strategies (mainly revolving around time and money).

I may not have had children with additional needs but I was still a single parent for 15 years so I understand some of the challenges, and I would certainly agree that when DSS was younger it would have been much harder to work because he needed to get older and learn coping strategies, but he has made huge strides to the point that she did go back to work full time and now she has quit and is asking for hand outs. I accept I am pissed off but I don't go to work to fund two households, especially one that I have no financial responsibility for.

It is her expectation that 'Toooldtoworry' will pay and that I'll ensure DSS is housed for life instead of doing it for herself. Ex and DH wanted to have him, they should pay for the upkeep of said child within their financial capability. Likewise I paid my children's way and so did their respective Fathers. I never, ever, expected anyone else to contribute.

I have also made provisions for DSS in my life insurance/will/etc to ensure that he is looked after financially given that my DH is the lower earner. I'm not trying to be an arsehole, I am just fed up of being taken advantage of.

You're right. I just needed to vent. DH and I have spoken about it and he is going to speak to her. We have DSS next weekend so he's going to chat to her then.

Why is your DH going to increase the CMS amount when he no longer needs to pay for the middle child? Surely that should go to your household?
This is why his ex does what she does, because he just gives money he doesn’t have.
Make it clear that he can only increase the CMS if it doesn’t impact on you or his household contributions.
Yes it’s admirable to pay above the recommended amounts, but if he can’t afford it then he shouldn’t be doing it, especially when you have costs for DSS at your house too.
They need to stop expecting you to
subsidise them

You misunderstand. He has 3 children. Two from his first ltr and 1 from the relationship with this ex, so he will need to redistribute that money to his son. It's not that he cannot afford that contribution perse. It's the extras that start adding up and becoming too much.

I still don’t get it. He’s paying CMS for each child, just because one becomes an adult and he no longer has to pay, doesn’t mean that the money goes to another child.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t spend more on the younger child, but that should be ad-hoc at his discretion not automatically given to his ex as a monthly increase.

If he doesn’t pay this extra money to his ex, then he will have more disposable income to treat his younger son to big gifts, etc. As well as family holiday, things for the home, etc.

It isn't her that's the problem, its your weak husband

He's only the father of the exs third child.

I need to bin my husband and get him to find a new wife like OP. I can then sit on my hoop while she pays for my kid. Your step son’s parents need to take a long hard look at themselves and pay for their own kid. I would be having a big chat with your hubby.

I agree, which is why we've had that discussion. He's going to talk to her, and tbh if it carries on I'll split our finances.

I'd be splitting my finances anyway if I were you. Best way to protect yourself. I'm a step parent and whilst my husband has never expected me to finance his kids or vice versa, we've always had completely separate finances.

He doesn't need to chat about it, he just needs to stop the extravagant spending. That's a ridiculous amount of tech for a child.

OP your husband and his Ex are both making a complete fool out of you.
Stop tolerating it.
If he really cared for you, he wouldn't allow you to be used like this.
He needs to up his income to provide for HIS children.

Your DH and his ex need to accept that, if they were still together, their income would be whatever they were both earning/receiving in benefits. They wouldn’t have you bankrolling them to increase their income. With that in mind, they need to cut their cloth and realise that if they want DSS e.g. their son to have more, then they should earn more.

I say this as both a mum and a step mum who has seen this from both sides. I’ve also had to refuse to bank roll the ex when she demanded my pay information so she could get more money. I just told her that it wasn’t my responsibility to pay maintenance to children that I didn’t produce 🤷‍♀️