To refuse to put on a performance.

[TooLateForRoses]

We have shared DC. We've been arguing a bit so there's an atomosphere. I try not to let it affect shared DC but unfortunately it's going to. Anyway DH has asked if I could "be nice" when his child from previous relationship is here otherwise they won't want to come. aibu to tell him to fuck off it shouldn't matter who is in the house he needs to stop being a dick.

This is such a dysfunctional situation and will be damaging all of the children who have to witness it.

If you can't provide a respectful, calm environment together, then for the good of the children involved you need to split up and go your separate ways, so that none of the children have to live with this.

I think it's important because you just mentioned arguments in your OP. That could be sniping at each other over the washing up for example in which case you should both just shelve it in front of DC.

If he wants to start arguments in front of DC especially where he is completely unreasonable (eg saying you need to be SAHM against your will) and expects you to just agree with what he says so as not to cause an issue in front of DC (so you have to "be nice" but he doesn't) then that's completely different imo. He sounds manipulative.

Fair enough sorry for not explaining in detail

Goodness knows. He's watched too many toxic men imo

Glad to read this OP. Just stay out of his way and crack on. Any time he tries to engage you in conversation about this just firmly tell him that you won'tbe drawn in to an argument and to leave you be. Well done for realising this isn't what you want your children to grow up witnessing. Good luck.

PS, you are a stepmother so you are going to get poster after poster telling you it is ALL YOUR FAULT. Yeah I don't get it either.

I wouldn't ever swear at him in front of the kids but I don't see why I can't at a calm level tell him to fuck off when he starts up again.

surely you must see this doesn’t make sense

have you read any of the other posts?

Ok thanks for the advice and support. It's hard

These seem like the proverbial "irreconcilable differences" - he wants to control you without letting you control him, you don't want to be controlled by him. It's a huge issue, and the impact on the children is regrettable but the situation would be fundamentally fucked up if it were just the two of you. Find out now what it will take for him to start treating you like a human being, and if he can't tell you that then make plans to split up.

For the short term, can you treat his request as an admission that (all of) the children are being unacceptably impacted? At the very least, could the two of you agree that IF you start escalating in front of the children, you'll stop and continue the discussion in private later on? Maybe agree on a kind of signal to pack it in. Starting now; don't wait for his other child to arrive.

He doesn't seem to care- just that the DSC think all is sunshine and roses here. My heart aches for our shared child. Such an afterthought to him.

This sounds an unhappy marriage that you both need to decide to repair or leave.

Is he prepared to “be nice” himself, or does he just want you to shut up and be passive?

He's the one causing the atmosphere

Would he not get pleasure from seeing you both fighting rather than presenting a united front?

He shouldn’t only care about his first kids being in this environment he should be saying this isn’t ok full stop. Not just a problem for the precious first borns 🙄

I think this atmosphere isn’t making you happy so for your own sake avoid it. Forget the kids and think of you. Get out, take your kids. Have a nice weekend and put plans in place to leave.

honestly I know how hard it is as my ex would always goad me but then moan if I responded if his kids were there. Fine for him to call my dogs cunty dogs in front of his kids but when I just calmly and out of their earshot told him to take his kids home it’s not right they’re in this environment I’m out of order and hate the kids 🙄😂

Agree with other posters, you BOTH need to be putting on a show for all of the kids.

Parents disagree and argue but it shouldn’t be impacting any of the children.

how old are the children involved in this toxic environment ?

Youre right, anyone who thinks bad behaviour is ok in front of one of their children and not the other is a dick.

Why should you be a SAHM? So he can further control you and leave you financially dependent on him.

He needs to know it's not happening and that the future of the marriage is in jeopardy. He need not worry about DSC not wanting to come over in the future, as there went be a future for the two of you, if he doesn't come to his senses.

This OP.
However the fighting is going, do not agree to being a SAHM.