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Original poster

I've finally lost it this evening...

33 replies

piscofrisco · 15/06/2024 19:18

And now I feel awful.
My two step sons have not stopped fighting and screeching at each other since I got home from work at 2pm. My older DD's have found it so unbearable they have gone out.
DSS2 has been literally vile to dh all day (his mum is doing a great job on him). And DS1 has just hit him in the face. They are 10 and 11 and should know better.

I've been at work since 7 in a job I work unsociable hours in to ensure I'm available for their school pick ups in the week as needed. This week I've been told by their mum that I'm irrelevant and do nothing for them.
I'm exhausted and fed up with their behaviour. I love them. Genuinely. But it's so hard when their behaviour is so poor and they are being taught not to ever listen to me (or to dh).

I've just told them to stop bloody fighting and that their behaviour today has been disgraceful and come up to my room.

I feel really crap now. And no doubt by Wednesday at the earliest we will be getting an email from their mum about how terribly they are treated.... I'm at the end of my rope :(

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FunLurker · 15/06/2024 19:22

Who do they live with?
Why are you doing the pick ups, why isn't their dad or mum?

40somethingme · 15/06/2024 19:23

Why do you feel crap? You shouldn’t, you’ve done nothing wrong.
They’ve stressed you and your dd out, their behaviour had negatively impacted others so they need to be disciplined/ told off.
Had no one asked them to calm down before you stepped in though? From your description it sounds like they’ve been misbehaving all afternoon.

SeulementUneFois · 15/06/2024 19:25

Stop doing the pickups.
Email or WhatsApp the bitch mum and your DH together, making sure to include that she said you mean nothing to them, and clearly state to them that you won't be doing any more pickups.
And drop the rope completely.
Google the NACHO method.

Singersong · 15/06/2024 19:25

Well to start with, block their mother from contacting you. There's no need for her to have you info.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/06/2024 19:31

Their Mum will now be contacting through the children's Father. I'd get a job that suits your needs as you won't be picking children up from school. Don't enable anyone to take the piss like this, either the Mum or your partner. If he can't parent his children to be considerate he will need to take them out or buy a caravan.

Awrite · 15/06/2024 19:33

Your poor daughters. Watching their Mum being taken advantage of (school pickups) and being treated so poorly. Also, not having peace in their own home.

Original poster
piscofrisco · 15/06/2024 19:36

dh does most of the pickups and drops. i do two a week. He has to work too and cant do those two. it's a two hour round trip. Thanks family court.

we are a team and i see it as necessary and im fine with it, (if tired) until im told im bloody irrelevant.

contact with mum is via parenting app as she is high conflict. Ive asked dh to just not tell me what she has said about me going forwards. it's not belpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
piscofrisco · 15/06/2024 19:37

We have them 50/50

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 15/06/2024 19:41

Is your DH worth all this bother ?

Springwatch123 · 15/06/2024 19:43

I think that’s called parenting. Don’t feel guilty. They need to learn that that sort of behaviour isn’t acceptable, and if dh and mother aren’t stepping up, then you need to.

Beautifulbythebay · 15/06/2024 19:44

What consequences for bad behaviour? WiFi off would be my choice of initial punishment..

Pantaloons99 · 15/06/2024 19:52

I don't think mum should be able to contact you directly like that. It isn't fair. I'd also not want to be told either. Hearing what she says about you will trigger you at some point ( understandably so) and that will feed into your negative feelings.

I'd be really unhappy about that behaviour myself. Hope you're being fully supported by your husband and he's dealing with this behaviour.

EG94 · 15/06/2024 20:20

You did nothing wrong but if of sent them to their rooms not me 😂 and fuck what the mother thinks. Your house your rules. Fuck about get told! It would be a very early bedtime if that was me

StormingNorman · 15/06/2024 20:26

You sound like you create a lovely home and family for them. Parents shout at kids when they behave badly, siblings avoid each other. It sounds like normal family dynamics. Nothing to do with ‘stepwhatevers’ and actually shows you have a strong enough relationship to act normally around each other.

Don’t let mum make you feel shit. She’s probably jealous that you have such a good relationship and that they love it round yours.

Can you text one of the kids to bring wine to the bedroom and stick on a film?

Screamingabdabz · 15/06/2024 20:30

If they’ve been at it since 2pm why has it been left to you to finally lose your shit? Why didn’t your DH intervene earlier? They should’ve been roundly bollocked as soon as they started. Does nobody reign their kids in any more?

LadyMuckRake · 15/06/2024 20:32

Awrite · 15/06/2024 19:33

Your poor daughters. Watching their Mum being taken advantage of (school pickups) and being treated so poorly. Also, not having peace in their own home.

yeh, start doing a LOT LESS

JamesPringle · 15/06/2024 20:35

Awrite · 15/06/2024 19:33

Your poor daughters. Watching their Mum being taken advantage of (school pickups) and being treated so poorly. Also, not having peace in their own home.

This. Don't let them grow up to think women take this sort of shit.
Hugs to you OP. I don't know how you stand it.

Susah · 15/06/2024 20:38

You actually sound like one of the best step mums I've heard on here x

Original poster
piscofrisco · 15/06/2024 20:43

Dh is scared to discipline them due to the reaction we get from his ex wife. It is not ideal for anyone at all. She is doing her best to ownt the kids from him/us and I can see how he feels that even telling them off tips the balance in her favour with them. It's messed up and does no one any good.

The girls are ok. Just irritated by the boys. At 17 and 18 that's probably not unusual. They love them but they are of an age where they do their own thing anyway. Today they just did it earlier than planned.

OP posts:
Original poster
piscofrisco · 15/06/2024 20:43

*alienate

OP posts:
Beautifulbythebay · 15/06/2024 20:45

Maybe they are anxious about being settled and having a good time if dm quizzes them and is shit stirring... Maybe a talk about them having 2 homes and being able to have good times in both.. Block the ex...

Original poster
piscofrisco · 15/06/2024 20:50

Absolute they are-they can't ever tell her anything nice about us and our life here due to the reaction they get so they have very quickly learned to tell her what she wants to hear and that as resulted in them telling some pretty shitty lies about us which she then uses against us, they then feel awful about and so we go round. Like I said, it's very messed up. DSS1 in particular will need some therapy before much longer I think :(
That's why I feel so bad. It's not their fault really.
I will go down now and get them to come and take the dogs round the block with me. Tomorrow is another day I suppose .

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 15/06/2024 21:15

It sounds like that therapy is needed now urgently before this escalates. At that age hitting is serious. DH needs to parent, if he needs some parenting supports then he has to source them.

This is such a crucial age and the help is needed now. Your poor daughters and you.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 15/06/2024 21:27

Did your DH leave his EXW for you? Is that why there is so much conflict?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2024 21:33

Tell your husband to stop being such an ineffectual father and to parent his bloody kids. How you can make your own kids live in this nightmare is beyond me. As for you and your husband being a "team", I beg to differ. Your husband is allowing his teammates life to be fucking miserable.

Dh is scared to discipline them due to the reaction we get from his ex wife.

Oh bollocks to that. What utter nonsense, and it's an absolutely unacceptable excuse even if it were true. He has a duty to properly raise and discipline his kids, he's choosing not to. He may not be able to fix everything or control what his ex does, but he could at least being doing all he can while he has his kids. He just can't be bothered.