I've finally lost it this evening...

[piscofrisco]

And now I feel awful.
My two step sons have not stopped fighting and screeching at each other since I got home from work at 2pm. My older DD's have found it so unbearable they have gone out.
DSS2 has been literally vile to dh all day (his mum is doing a great job on him). And DS1 has just hit him in the face. They are 10 and 11 and should know better.

I've been at work since 7 in a job I work unsociable hours in to ensure I'm available for their school pick ups in the week as needed. This week I've been told by their mum that I'm irrelevant and do nothing for them.
I'm exhausted and fed up with their behaviour. I love them. Genuinely. But it's so hard when their behaviour is so poor and they are being taught not to ever listen to me (or to dh).

I've just told them to stop bloody fighting and that their behaviour today has been disgraceful and come up to my room.

I feel really crap now. And no doubt by Wednesday at the earliest we will be getting an email from their mum about how terribly they are treated.... I'm at the end of my rope :(

The girls are ok. Just irritated by the boys. At 17 and 18 that's probably not unusual. They love them but they are of an age where they do their own thing anyway. Today they just did it earlier than planned.

That's very minimising of the impact on your DDs. None of this was their choice.

As a pp says, what is this teaching them about adult relationships? That a woman works so hard to make it work for a man's family that she snaps, totally overwhelmed. And that's just one snapshot.

I've been at work since 7 in a job I work unsociable hours in to ensure I'm available for their school pick ups in the week as needed. This week I've been told by their mum that I'm irrelevant and do nothing for them.

Stop doing that then. There's no point. Their mum clearly doesn't want you doing it 😉

Live your life for you and your kids or its going to lead to resentment. They have two parents they'll be fine

The girls are ok. Just irritated by the boys. don't underestimate the impact on them

@andHelenknowsimmiserablenow
Ah here you go! The bingo is starting!

Nah, it's probably because she's a shit person. Women can be shit, just as men can.

I echo this

Well I do not blame you for losing your rag - and it is a reasonable lesson for a child to learn that adults have their limits.

But this situation in which you all find yourselves is completely toxic and incredibly bad for these boys. Your OH must discipline them, even if it causes the mum to get annoyed. He has to step up and be a proper parent - whatever his ex-wife thinks or says. I know it is hard with her undermining him all the time, but there is no way he can just chuck in the towel and not do his parenting job. She is playing the boys like puppets on a string and it is so bad for them.

A discussion with your OH about the importance of him providing proper discipline is needed.

No dh's ex wife had an affair. Then they split up. He met me after that. She then met a man on tinder and 4 months later elected to move herself and the boys an hour away to live with him and ever since has been working her hardest to erase dh from the boys life and replace him with her new boyfriend (who also seems on a mission to do the same). It's awful behaviour and distressing for dh, for me, and for the boys no doubt.

The girls are as I said, fine. They get irritated by their little brothers as most siblings do from time to time. They both work, have school/uni, see friends, go to the gym, go out. They aren't in the house that much anyway bar to sleep and eat and occasionally hang out with us, and at that age that's normal and healthy. Yesterday they got fed up with the noise and went out earlier than planned. Neither of them are traumatised. They used to get annoyed by each other when they were little. They aren't traumatised by that either.

The mum doesn't want the boys to see us at all. So if I stopped doing the pick ups and we therefore couldn't see them or saw them less, then she would be delighted. But then we would have no relationship with the boys at all, which would be good for none of us. We have to fight all the time to keep the relationship we do have. Which is why dh finds it hard to discipline them. I have spoken to him this morning about the need to do this however. And he agreed and knows the importance of it-as their behaviour whilst here is at times untenable.

That's awful for DSC, OP. It's probably because they feel more secure at your house that they fight with each other out of frustration because they can't take it out on the adults who are to blame for disrupting their lives, but it must be very difficult for you.
And hard having to travel so far for school runs.
I hope the evening improved in the end, and things settle down eventually.