I'm really struggling with this

NellyElly1 · 2024-06-10T10:28:05+00:00

I just need to write things down so my thoughts are in words to help myself understand it better. Will the insecure feeling of my partner and his ex (BM) being around each other ever go away? It's the history that comes with it all, I think. She's not a horrible person and we get along fine but it's just weird. I feel like a third wheel. Nothing that he is doing, it's just how I feel. His family still invites her to events, where do I fit into this? I'm supposed to be part of the family now but I just feel like a tag along. I don't want to go to things with her being there. I get that they are all still friends, they still consider her as family though so how can I be family too? There can't be two people taking the same role essentially. As an example, his nephew will still see her as his auntie, fair enough but again, it just confirms how I don't fit in anywhere. When the kids have a birthday party, it's been a joint arrangement for his and her families to go to. This was prior to me meeting her so at that point, it would have been awkward but even now, it still would be. I'd feel like just a random person going to two already established joint families. I can't expect my partner to not go to his own kids birthday parties though and wouldn't even ask that of him. And then where does my family fit into this? I don't have kids of my own, I'm trying to create a new life with my partner and his kids and my family being involved with that too but how would that work? I love my partner more than anything but I'm really struggling to see and work out how this all will actually work.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 10/06/2024 11:31

I’d see it that you’re very lucky to find two such emotionally mature adults that have put their shared children’s needs first and foremost and how grateful I was to be part of these dynamics where it sounds like very little drama.

Don’t underestimate how beneficial them having a good relationship is.

Remind yourself, he’s chosen to be with you, loves you, wants you, you have everything to gain from this!

thanKyouaIMee · 10/06/2024 11:34

I don't think the "two people taking the same role" is a helpful way to think of it - you're not taking the same role at all, you're the partner to her ex and she's the child's mother. Both very different roles!

People have more than one aunt a lot of the time - I'm sure the cousins will be able to understand having multiple aunts.

I think it's nice that the families are still close and the DC gets to grow up with a wider community support, rather than two distinctly separate "families" they have to float between. It's a really impressive set up and genuinely as the child of separated parents I'd have loved that.

I'm not sure that your extended family would need to be involved in the celebrations for a long time - I understand you're wanting to create a life with your partner, but the celebrations should be about DC not about getting your family involved with them at the moment.

Marblessolveeverything · 10/06/2024 11:36

This is what adult breaks up look like. You don't banish the ex from extended families. In some cases the in-law may currently have a more established relationship with the extended family.

This is a you issue, it relates to your security in your relationship. So perhaps acknowledging and working on that will help you.

Original poster

NellyElly1 · 10/06/2024 11:45

Marblessolveeverything · 10/06/2024 11:36

This is what adult breaks up look like. You don't banish the ex from extended families. In some cases the in-law may currently have a more established relationship with the extended family.

This is a you issue, it relates to your security in your relationship. So perhaps acknowledging and working on that will help you.

Thanks, I know it's a me issue. That's why I'm here. I don't know how this all works, I don't know what I'm meant to do, what's wrong or right.

OP posts:

EmilyGilmoreenergy · 10/06/2024 11:51

This is not what all adult breakup looks like but it sort of is a you problem.
Your feelings are completely understandable and had this have been the situation (his family still inviting ex etc) in my relationship I know I couldn't have continued with it.
I agree it's great for the children etc but it's not a dynamic I would want to be involved in and I think in all honesty this is never going to go away so you need to make hard decisions.
Try to accept what it is and your part in it or end the relationship.
The only way a relationship where kids are involved works is with brilliant and open communication and understanding.
Not all people will children from past relationships are like this but there are always added complications and this one might be a better case scenario as far as step kids etc go.

GerbilsForever24 · 10/06/2024 11:52

If the co parenting relationship is good and she maintains good relationships with your DP and his extended family. How old are these children?

As a PP says, you are not sharing the same role. She is the children's mother and you are their father's partner.

Original poster

NellyElly1 · 10/06/2024 12:02

GerbilsForever24 · 10/06/2024 11:52

If the co parenting relationship is good and she maintains good relationships with your DP and his extended family. How old are these children?

As a PP says, you are not sharing the same role. She is the children's mother and you are their father's partner.

They are 5 and 9.

What should I do as my role? I've never had to do this before and neither has he so I don't know what would be normal.

OP posts:

Original poster

NellyElly1 · 10/06/2024 12:03

EmilyGilmoreenergy · 10/06/2024 11:51

This is not what all adult breakup looks like but it sort of is a you problem.
Your feelings are completely understandable and had this have been the situation (his family still inviting ex etc) in my relationship I know I couldn't have continued with it.
I agree it's great for the children etc but it's not a dynamic I would want to be involved in and I think in all honesty this is never going to go away so you need to make hard decisions.
Try to accept what it is and your part in it or end the relationship.
The only way a relationship where kids are involved works is with brilliant and open communication and understanding.
Not all people will children from past relationships are like this but there are always added complications and this one might be a better case scenario as far as step kids etc go.

Thank you. I know it's definitely a me problem but it's also reassuring to know that not everyone can deal with this sort of dynamic. It's something I'm really not sure on.
I mean, when there are joint events like this, should I be going? I honestly have no idea what is normal with this.

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GerbilsForever24 · 10/06/2024 12:04

Every blended family has to work this out, but as they have a mother who apparently has a good relationsnhip with them and the extended family, your role is NOT to play mum at all. When they are around, be friendly and welcoming. Perhaps see yourself as an aunty or something. Don't try to take responsibility for the children and leave the parenting to their actual parents.

Original poster

NellyElly1 · 10/06/2024 12:06

GerbilsForever24 · 10/06/2024 12:04

Every blended family has to work this out, but as they have a mother who apparently has a good relationsnhip with them and the extended family, your role is NOT to play mum at all. When they are around, be friendly and welcoming. Perhaps see yourself as an aunty or something. Don't try to take responsibility for the children and leave the parenting to their actual parents.

Being mum or a replacement of mum is not what I'm trying or intending to do at all. I'm talking about being his partner and part of the family as his partner. At the moment, it feels I'm just the tag along and that they're still the main family.

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GerbilsForever24 · 10/06/2024 12:11

Well, you are new so you don't have the relationships with the family yet. That's not strange. I think you need to carry on as you are - get to know your DP's extended famiyl and build relationships with them that are separate. She has a relationship with them based on history and now you need to start building the same.

Durdledore · 10/06/2024 12:16

Your role is to be you.

And for the rest of the family, you’re their dad’s/son’s/cousin’s/grandson’s/nephew’s/brother’s new partner.

She’s the children’s mum and he’s the children’s dad.

And you’re their Dad’s partner.

There’s room in this family for this man to love again after the breakdown of the relationship with the mother of his children, and that space is taken by you.

I invite you to enjoy being part of an emotionally mature and big hearted family.

TheCultureHusks · 10/06/2024 12:19

The above post is a great one. But let me offer another perspective. I would feel as you do and for that reason I would never have had a relationship with a man with children. It would not be for me and I would not have wanted to be a step parent. And that’s fine. If I were you I would see how things go but also leave space for it to be ok if you finally say no, this isn’t the life I want. And then walk away!

brendafromacrosstheroad · 10/06/2024 12:20

This is the problem my exs wife had. She ended up giving him an ultimatum and he chose her. He hasn't seen our child in years,and they now have children of their own. She couldn't bare the thought of us still being in his life.

BigDahliaFan · 10/06/2024 12:24

It is hard. I'm 20 years in and still feel like the spare part at times as the ex is still at everything. She's nice, I like her, she was round at ours for tea the other night.

Honestly it's loads better than them not getting on!

But the advice is sound from @Durdledore

And also from @TheCultureHusks

If it's not for you it's not for you.

I didn't go to every family thing - kept my own friends and interests - went to some not others. I do now but at the beginning I took it fairly slowly, mostly because I wasn't sure if it was working for me or not.

BardsAreAssholes · 10/06/2024 12:29

There can't be two people taking the same role essentially. As an example, his nephew will still see her as his auntie

They are two totally different roles.

She is the mum to his cousin, so yes, his auntie regardless of marital status. She’s the child’s Mum and as such is valued in a healthy blended family dynamic.

You are the child’s Dad’s partner. You are valued because of your relationship with your DH, not your role in his child’s life.

In families without divorce or separation, the Mum role and the Dad’s Partner role are taken by the sane person, sure. But after a split, they are separate.

I think it’s a great thing that they are still on good terms with his ex - it shows emotional maturity and a commitment to what’s best for the child.

BigDahliaFan · 10/06/2024 13:13

As far as your family goes...my mum and dad died years ago so it's a bit different, but my partner knows my family well, we are scattered so we have to travel to see each other.

His kids have met my family, and my nieces and nephews, but on a sort of knowing who is who basis... they aren't that interested either side really, they've all got big complicated families already.

Original poster

NellyElly1 · 10/06/2024 13:30

GerbilsForever24 · 10/06/2024 12:11

Well, you are new so you don't have the relationships with the family yet. That's not strange. I think you need to carry on as you are - get to know your DP's extended famiyl and build relationships with them that are separate. She has a relationship with them based on history and now you need to start building the same.

Thank you. It just makes things hard to create our own life with his family when she's often there.

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Original poster

NellyElly1 · 10/06/2024 13:32

thanKyouaIMee · 10/06/2024 11:34

I don't think the "two people taking the same role" is a helpful way to think of it - you're not taking the same role at all, you're the partner to her ex and she's the child's mother. Both very different roles!

People have more than one aunt a lot of the time - I'm sure the cousins will be able to understand having multiple aunts.

I think it's nice that the families are still close and the DC gets to grow up with a wider community support, rather than two distinctly separate "families" they have to float between. It's a really impressive set up and genuinely as the child of separated parents I'd have loved that.

I'm not sure that your extended family would need to be involved in the celebrations for a long time - I understand you're wanting to create a life with your partner, but the celebrations should be about DC not about getting your family involved with them at the moment.

Thank you. It's hard for me to explain things but this is all really helping.

It's also reassuring to know that it can be a "thing" to have more than one aunt etc!

Also noted about my family being involved, I just don't know what's normal but that does make sense. My family can be involved in things we plan separately.

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Marblessolveeverything · 10/06/2024 13:39

"It just makes things hard to create our own life with his family when she's often there" @NellyElly1 .

The reality is they will always have a familial link. She will be there at the in-laws celebrations and key milestones - weddings/grandchildren etc. So you need to decide can you be okay with this ? because that is the only relevant question.

Because it is your feelings I don't think there is anything you can realistically do. I think it is a fundamental piece of our personality - what we can accept or not. Don't be fooled if you had children together this would change. I saw one friend think that and it only isolated her more as the gap in ages were too big - so her partner and the Step children were off having adventures while she wrangled toddlers - her DH did his fair share but he needed to also spend age appropriate time with his older children. Sadly this meant her relationship ended and his third wife has coffee with this first!

Original poster

NellyElly1 · 10/06/2024 13:39

Durdledore · 10/06/2024 12:16

Your role is to be you.

And for the rest of the family, you’re their dad’s/son’s/cousin’s/grandson’s/nephew’s/brother’s new partner.

She’s the children’s mum and he’s the children’s dad.

And you’re their Dad’s partner.

There’s room in this family for this man to love again after the breakdown of the relationship with the mother of his children, and that space is taken by you.

I invite you to enjoy being part of an emotionally mature and big hearted family.

Thank you so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

NellyElly1 · 10/06/2024 13:48

BigDahliaFan · 10/06/2024 12:24

It is hard. I'm 20 years in and still feel like the spare part at times as the ex is still at everything. She's nice, I like her, she was round at ours for tea the other night.

Honestly it's loads better than them not getting on!

But the advice is sound from @Durdledore

And also from @TheCultureHusks

If it's not for you it's not for you.

I didn't go to every family thing - kept my own friends and interests - went to some not others. I do now but at the beginning I took it fairly slowly, mostly because I wasn't sure if it was working for me or not.

Thank you.
So is that okay/normal for me to give some things a miss? Because I feel so guilty about it especially when it's arranged by his family as I feel like I have an obligation to go as I'm his partner but I just feel a bit uncomfortable about it still so I'd rather see his family when it's arranged by us where she's not going to be there. Otherwise, I do feel like the spare part and I don't want to feel like that.

I think if it's okay for me to do that, I will need my partner to understand it because for him, he says I'm his partner, so we are a unit and he would almost see it as strange if I don't go, if that makes sense? It's all so complicated.

OP posts:

Original poster

NellyElly1 · 10/06/2024 13:56

Marblessolveeverything · 10/06/2024 13:39

"It just makes things hard to create our own life with his family when she's often there" @NellyElly1 .

The reality is they will always have a familial link. She will be there at the in-laws celebrations and key milestones - weddings/grandchildren etc. So you need to decide can you be okay with this ? because that is the only relevant question.

Because it is your feelings I don't think there is anything you can realistically do. I think it is a fundamental piece of our personality - what we can accept or not. Don't be fooled if you had children together this would change. I saw one friend think that and it only isolated her more as the gap in ages were too big - so her partner and the Step children were off having adventures while she wrangled toddlers - her DH did his fair share but he needed to also spend age appropriate time with his older children. Sadly this meant her relationship ended and his third wife has coffee with this first!

Thank you. I'm not sure if I will be okay with this. Is it okay for me to not go to these things? Or does that just make me less of a family member? Obviously, it would be something he'd have to agree with too though as he sees us as a unit and would expect to be going to important things with his partner which I understand. I don't intend to not go to anything with her there but I need to know it's okay if I don't.

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BigDahliaFan · 10/06/2024 14:10

@NellyElly1 I think it's fine to give some things a miss. But equally do go to stuff too as you won't get to know anyone otherwise and your partner might feel a bit unsupported.

So there was an aged auntie's birthday party where the entire extended family and ex wife were going to be there - I went so I could meet people.

A couple of times where DH was meeting up with his brother and it was cousin's meeting etc I didn't go and had a bit of a break..

I went home, a plane ride away, the first couple of Christmases to see my family (which is what I normally did) as 1) I wanted to see them and 2) it saved any potential angst about who was where.

Now the ex wife comes to ours for Christmas Dinner together with DH's parents and the kids and their partners. That's been going on years. I like her and it makes life easier.

Anyway it's not easy to navigate but I wouldn't worry to much about what role to take, you are his partner, so go to stuff and be friendly and you'll soon find out about the family 'in' jokes etc etc.

I get on really well with my in laws 20 years in, we are off on holiday together this week, the fact they still get on well with their ex daughter in law doesn't diminish the relationship I have with them.

BigDahliaFan · 10/06/2024 14:13

"Thank you. I'm not sure if I will be okay with this. Is it okay for me to not go to these things? Or does that just make me less of a family member? Obviously, it would be something he'd have to agree with too though as he sees us as a unit and would expect to be going to important things with his partner which I understand. I don't intend to not go to anything with her there but I need to know it's okay if I don't."

There is a little bit of suck it up Buttercup...it's a complicated situation, the more nicely everyone plays the better. But having the odd day off isn't going to ruin anything if you want to say yes to a party, and then have a strategic migraine every now and then...that's fine too.