I'm really struggling with this

[NellyElly1]

I just need to write things down so my thoughts are in words to help myself understand it better.

Will the insecure feeling of my partner and his ex (BM) being around each other ever go away? It's the history that comes with it all, I think. She's not a horrible person and we get along fine but it's just weird. I feel like a third wheel. Nothing that he is doing, it's just how I feel.

His family still invites her to events, where do I fit into this? I'm supposed to be part of the family now but I just feel like a tag along. I don't want to go to things with her being there. I get that they are all still friends, they still consider her as family though so how can I be family too? There can't be two people taking the same role essentially. As an example, his nephew will still see her as his auntie, fair enough but again, it just confirms how I don't fit in anywhere.

When the kids have a birthday party, it's been a joint arrangement for his and her families to go to. This was prior to me meeting her so at that point, it would have been awkward but even now, it still would be. I'd feel like just a random person going to two already established joint families. I can't expect my partner to not go to his own kids birthday parties though and wouldn't even ask that of him.

And then where does my family fit into this? I don't have kids of my own, I'm trying to create a new life with my partner and his kids and my family being involved with that too but how would that work?

I love my partner more than anything but I'm really struggling to see and work out how this all will actually work.

I do think the dynamics will change once she's found someone else. Should I be overthinking about WHY she's actually wanting to be around all the time? Has she not moved on? For me, I would still want to be in touch with an ex's family members if we still got on but I wouldn't want to go to things if my ex was there.

Thank you.
I've had a brief chat with him about this and I think it might be best to do it on a case-by-case basis. I have said to him that it does make me feel uncomfortable so it's unlikely I will want to go to everything. I think he understands but we need to have a proper conversation about it.

I have said that things like joint birthday parties where her family will be attending will very likely be a no, maybe not forever, but definitely for now. We just need to lay everything out on the table and agree to things once I've established what my own boundaries are I think. Now I know that a lot of it is okay for me to feel, it does make things easier as otherwise, I just feel like everything is on his/their terms and I have no control over myself with doing things I don't want to do because I felt I had to.

Yes you are over thinking. There are kids involved - that makes it very different. She's there for ever. The amount of contact or type of contact might change...but she's always going to be around.

I don’t think the OP has a problem with the ex being around. And of course she’s always going to be a factor! I’m sure the OP realises and is okay with that. It’s the amount and type of contact — which as you say, may change — that’s the issue. It does sound unusual ATM. Not many people continue socialising with their ex’s family to that extent post-split, however amicable it is…

OP, you are very much entitled to how you feel. Very many people would be hugely turned off by the dynamic you describe.
His family have every right to their relationship with her and to invite her every time.
The worst thing you could do is rush into having children with him.
If you are determined to stay with him, se how the next few years pan out.
It may not be for you.
Do not have a child from a relationship that was always doomed.
Take your time.

Your last sentence really gets to the heart of it. He isn’t going to move on and the ex will always be there because they have DC together. They will always be part of your life. If you want a ‘new’ family, you need to create that from scratch with someone who doesn’t have children already.

Well after my 17 year year marriage and he left me for another woman my ex stopped talking to me to sone members of his family, I stopped talking to our mutual friend as he said I should delete anyone connected to him and we are not allowed to co parent together like birthdays or important things and days out as the woman he left us for sulks complains and prevents it. Its damaged my children. He's not even allowed to take my our youngest child to their house for contact only the older kids as my youngest was conceived whilst he was stringing me along and living a secret life with her so now my youngest daughter gets punished

I absolutely hate his woman with all my being as she males co parenting difficult

Please don't be that woman as its nice that your partner and ex get along for the kids sake,, he's with you so that's all that matters unless you notice any unusual behaviour towards them I would just try and embed your self in the family too and get along

I would absolutely hate this! In no way, shape or form would I like to hang with my partners ex. And I do not care if that makes everyone happy.

It is rare that these people still mix together, usually if you get divorced then naturally you’ll pave a new life for yourself. This woman is still very much present in that family and they very much want her to be. As for where you fit in - well some folk on here seem to think it’s amazing and you’ll squeeze in somewhere!

The only thing I can say is good luck with this one! Personally in your shoes I’d walk. It’s not wrong for you to feel uncomfortable with this scenario and your gut is telling you that you do not like it.

Many woman would not be comfortable about it so don’t assume you’d be in the minority

To be honest if you are young and childfree I would move on and find someone who didn't have children. I've read too many stepmother threads on here and spoken to too many friends who have really struggled with stepchildren and ex wives and ex families.

Personally this isn’t something I’d put up with. I don’t know anyone’s co parenting relationship that has ended with them all hanging out all the time.
Id leave and find someone without as much baggage still hanging around.

This.

It's healthy and mature. You're lucky to have found such a man and his family sound great too. Please don't let your insecurities ruin it for you.

They are family, they will always be family because of the children but that is no threat to you. The fact they can be like this shows no unresolved feelings. Personally I'd always be more worried when exes hate each other as often there is a fine line between love and hate.

Don't dwell on it. Enjoy what sounds like a wonderful family.

Thank you.
But just to clarify, I'm okay to not feel comfortable about going to certain things with her there? It's not that she's horrible or that we don't get along, I just feel uncomfortable sometimes.

@NellyElly1 , I think it’s completely fine for you to feel unhappy with the situation, you have feelings too .

Thank you.

I've had a really long and productive talk with my OH about everything. What my boundaries are, what I'd be willing to do and not willing to do but also that I'm open to some things but on the basis that if I say no, that he will understand.
And of course, I asked him for what his "terms" would be, to make sure I knew what he expected and would like from me as it needs to work both ways. We have come to an agreement and understanding and he says he will understand if I say no to certain things. It's reassuring to know I have his support.

He said that he may fight his case a bit more if it's an important event and I've said I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I do understand his point, he says we are a partnership and a unit so he does want to go to everything that comes up with me, especially the important ones and I would obviously want to as well but, unfortunately, it's not mine or his fault that she's being invited by other family members so really, if he wants to change that, he might need to say something but I wouldn't expect or ask that. It's not my family to change. I've made it clear that it's genuinely nothing against her, I get on with her and she's not a horrible person; it's all the other underlying feelings that come with it. I prefer us making our own plans with his family where we have control over who comes/who we see.

So overall, everything seems to be okay and it's very good that he has validated and understood my feelings towards it but the important events might be more difficult if I really don't feel comfortable. I don't want the pressure, it's hard enough saying no as it is and it's still hard but manageable knowing they are all there as a family too when I'm not so it's not like I am free from any bad feelings for either option.

We will just have to see how things go and manage things on a case-by-case basis. He knows where I stand and I know where he stands and that some of these things may not be forever but just for now while I find my place in this whole thing. Time will tell if it works.

I couldn't deal with this tbh. She is part of the tribe by virtue of her uterus, you are not. If you feel like a third wheel, that's because you are. She's too enmeshed and it won't change.

You deserve to be part of someone's family, not a third wheel.

It'll probably get easier once the ex has moved on and found someone else.

Perhaps. She may show some consideration for her new partner and stop playing happy families with her ex.

Shame your partner can't put down similar boundaries.

You deserve more.

OP, you are asking for very little here. PLEASE be sure your partner clearly hears and takes onboard that you have not asked the Ex to stop coming, not asked him to “choose”, not asked the kids to “choose”, not asked his extended family to “choose.” You have simply elected to opt out of something. HOWEVER, the minute the Ex, kids, or in-laws hear “OP decided to not come, she doesn’t feel comfortable stepping in to a big historical family with ex spouses and shared memories”, it is likely to be rebranded behind your back as “OP gave us an ultimatum”, or “OP made us (or Dad) choose between her and Ex.” Because people will externalize, externalize, externalize, rather than face change or examine their own roles in a situation. Please take every precaution to make yourself clear. And be ready to say, “Actually, I never said that” and “I never asked for that, someone communicated it to you wrongly” when you are made out as the villain anyway.

This is a test for your partner. If you are clear with him about this, and he lets you be made out as the bad person by his extended family, kids, or Ex, without correcting them...throw him out!

Thank you. It's good to take on board potential reactions.
However, he wouldn't ever tell them the real reason why I haven't attended as that would just create an issue within the family on purpose. He's not a drama starter and protects me by not telling people things like that.

So he’s going to lie and say you are sick or something? I think you might want to consider whether you are worth more than that. Yes, no one needs to start drama on purpose, but simply being truthful isn’t the same thing as starting “drama.”

In fact, I find it interesting that you find someone simply explaining something about you — if he’s asked — to constitute “drama.”

Anyway, best of luck. I think you will need it, because you have already begun to villainize yourself. It sounds like perhaps you don’t even need anyone else to do it for you. That’s something you might want to think about.

No, he would just tell them I'm busy and they would understand because they're relaxed people in general who wouldn't get upset if people can't make it to things.

There is a reason a lot of women will not entertain men with children.
They simply do not wish to have to compromise and bend themselves out of shape to accommodate the history of any man.
Having to see his ex partner at family gatherings, though perfectly understandable and in fact could indicate a very nice inclusive wider family, is still NOT easy for a new partner.
You are indeed villinizing yourself for having a perfectly normal reaction to having his history in your face at family gatherings.
There is nothing wrong with you deciding it just is not worth it.
Do not rush into children with this man, before you have really sorted out your feelings. You will likely bitterly regret it if you do.
I wonder how many men would be happy with a similar set up with a new partners family?
I would suggest very few.

How can I say no or have any boundaries without villainizing myself? Surely that would only be the case if they weren't happy about it? Which I really don't think they will mind as they're really understanding.
Essentially, the only way to do it is to suck it up and never say anything, go along to everything and get used to it. A stepmum with no say in her life or boundaries and partner gets to have happy families all round as otherwise, it'll all be stepmum's fault and she'll be villianizing herself. All seems very one-sided.

@NellyElly1 i can hear you are working really hard at this. But the fundamental of this situation is, there are established boundaries between the other people, your controllable boundary is to engage or not.

Nobody else can be controlled by your boundary and that is what you are in effect looking for. It may be unconsciously but that is what would be required to achieve your want.

I do appreciate your position but the reality is this is obviously working for 99% of the people why would they change it for 1% especially when it will impact the children and them and the heathy interactions they are witnessing.

Thank you.

I don't believe I have mentioned anything about wanting or expecting them to change their current set up. That's not what this is about. 😊

I think you have mis understood my post.
When I mentioned you villianizing yourself, I meant it in terms of you being hard on yourself for feeling discomfort.
You are fully entitled to feel your emotions.
Your feelings are not wrong.
Some people might have zero issue with having his ex at every gathering and that is their business.
But there is nothing wrong with not feeling like that.
You are who you are and you feel how you feel.
It is not wrong for you to choose to not go, nor is it wrong for you to think it is a deal breaker for you.
He has zero right to expect you to do, or be, anything other than who you are.

I would just caution you that if his ex gets on so well with his family and there is a warm genuine bond, then there is no reason to think this will change any time soon.

My friends niece was married with 2 young children when she had an affair with her boss.
Two families broken up, 5 young children involved. Her parents were genuinely appalled. She divorced and has now remarried her boss. Her parents remain very fond of their ex son in law who really felt like a son to them. She doesn't particularly like it as her new husband doesn't feel very comfortable around him, even though things are very polite and civil. Her parents made it very clear that her ex is the much loved father of their adored grandsons, and he will always be welcome in their home. They were together nearly 20 years