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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I'm really struggling with this

93 replies

NellyElly1 · 10/06/2024 11:28

I just need to write things down so my thoughts are in words to help myself understand it better.

Will the insecure feeling of my partner and his ex (BM) being around each other ever go away? It's the history that comes with it all, I think. She's not a horrible person and we get along fine but it's just weird. I feel like a third wheel. Nothing that he is doing, it's just how I feel.

His family still invites her to events, where do I fit into this? I'm supposed to be part of the family now but I just feel like a tag along. I don't want to go to things with her being there. I get that they are all still friends, they still consider her as family though so how can I be family too? There can't be two people taking the same role essentially. As an example, his nephew will still see her as his auntie, fair enough but again, it just confirms how I don't fit in anywhere.

When the kids have a birthday party, it's been a joint arrangement for his and her families to go to. This was prior to me meeting her so at that point, it would have been awkward but even now, it still would be. I'd feel like just a random person going to two already established joint families. I can't expect my partner to not go to his own kids birthday parties though and wouldn't even ask that of him.

And then where does my family fit into this? I don't have kids of my own, I'm trying to create a new life with my partner and his kids and my family being involved with that too but how would that work?

I love my partner more than anything but I'm really struggling to see and work out how this all will actually work.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 14/06/2024 17:15

Sorry when I read "A stepmum with no say in her life or boundaries and partner gets to have happy families all round as otherwise, it'll all be stepmum's fault and she'll be villianizing herself."

I felt it was a reflection of what you were feeling?

Original poster
NellyElly1 · 14/06/2024 17:58

Blinds1 · 14/06/2024 16:42

I think you have mis understood my post.
When I mentioned you villianizing yourself, I meant it in terms of you being hard on yourself for feeling discomfort.
You are fully entitled to feel your emotions.
Your feelings are not wrong.
Some people might have zero issue with having his ex at every gathering and that is their business.
But there is nothing wrong with not feeling like that.
You are who you are and you feel how you feel.
It is not wrong for you to choose to not go, nor is it wrong for you to think it is a deal breaker for you.
He has zero right to expect you to do, or be, anything other than who you are.

I would just caution you that if his ex gets on so well with his family and there is a warm genuine bond, then there is no reason to think this will change any time soon.

My friends niece was married with 2 young children when she had an affair with her boss.
Two families broken up, 5 young children involved. Her parents were genuinely appalled. She divorced and has now remarried her boss. Her parents remain very fond of their ex son in law who really felt like a son to them. She doesn't particularly like it as her new husband doesn't feel very comfortable around him, even though things are very polite and civil. Her parents made it very clear that her ex is the much loved father of their adored grandsons, and he will always be welcome in their home. They were together nearly 20 years

Ah thank you. I definitely misunderstood! I really appreciate this.

OP posts:
Original poster
NellyElly1 · 14/06/2024 17:59

NellyElly1 · 14/06/2024 17:58

Ah thank you. I definitely misunderstood! I really appreciate this.

Show quote history

I couldn't edit my post. I wanted to add to say thank you for sharing your friend's story too. That sounds really hard for everyone involved but it's good that everyone remains civil.

OP posts:
Original poster
NellyElly1 · 14/06/2024 18:00

Marblessolveeverything · 14/06/2024 17:15

Sorry when I read "A stepmum with no say in her life or boundaries and partner gets to have happy families all round as otherwise, it'll all be stepmum's fault and she'll be villianizing herself."

I felt it was a reflection of what you were feeling?

Yes it was as I misunderstood the "villainizing". I just felt that basically a stepmum has to just do what everyone else wants otherwise they are the bad person but realised that's not the case.

OP posts:
Mummy2024 · 14/06/2024 18:04

NellyElly1 · 10/06/2024 11:45

Thanks, I know it's a me issue. That's why I'm here. I don't know how this all works, I don't know what I'm meant to do, what's wrong or right.

Show quote history

I think it's hard to enter a ready made family. I don't think the problem is your BFs relationship with his ex, I think it's the whole situation.

Some people can do it and some people can't. I completely understand your discomfort though I think I would feel the same, your entering a room full of people that are all family to each other and you are not.

What I'd say is give it time, get to know both families find things to talk about, then they will become more like friends than your BF and his Exs family.

adviceneeded1990 · 14/06/2024 18:07

BardsAreAssholes · 10/06/2024 12:29

There can't be two people taking the same role essentially. As an example, his nephew will still see her as his auntie

They are two totally different roles.

She is the mum to his cousin, so yes, his auntie regardless of marital status. She’s the child’s Mum and as such is valued in a healthy blended family dynamic.

You are the child’s Dad’s partner. You are valued because of your relationship with your DH, not your role in his child’s life.

In families without divorce or separation, the Mum role and the Dad’s Partner role are taken by the sane person, sure. But after a split, they are separate.

I think it’s a great thing that they are still on good terms with his ex - it shows emotional maturity and a commitment to what’s best for the child.

I think this kind of thing depends on ages of the kids at breakup etc. I met my husband when my DSD was 2, our nephew was 1 and neither of our nieces had been born yet. I’m their auntie despite being the second wife. His ex doesn’t go to his family events either, he attends with his wife and daughter! We do all get along really well and they coparent brilliantly but there is a healthy line IMO. We do my DSDs birthdays together. @NellyElly1 does the ex have a new partner? My husbands exW is also remarried and that’s made a difference I think - I’m not the hanger on, neither is her DH, we’re a family where there happens to be two parents and two stepparents.

Marblessolveeverything · 14/06/2024 18:24

Ah I see @NellyElly1 , sorry I missed that nuance.

Aldertrees · 14/06/2024 19:13

Have you considered that the DCs are having a reasonably good time with their two extended families all getting along?

Blinds1 · 14/06/2024 19:24

And of course your relationship has evolved in a very respectful way, ie no affair.
It is difficult, but very civil in my friends family. But she was definitely put in her place by her parents whom were terribly upset with her decisions. It took time for them to come around, but things have settled 5 years on.
Personally I think the story has a bit to run yet....he left 3 children under 5 and his wife is "crazy"...I reckon he is a piece of work...but maybe I'm reading too much MN!

itsmabeline · 14/06/2024 19:46

I think this is just a normal result of human nature. Most people would be uncomfortable in your situation.

Do you plan to have children?

This would be the crux of it for me. Planning to have children of my own with my partner would be absolutely worth it. If we didn't plan to have children together then I'd have to think long and hard about being in a relationship where his ex will be such a prominent permanent feature.

comfyslippets · 14/06/2024 23:09

I actually think his family are out of order inviting her to everything. She doesn't need to be going to that many family things. Why would she? Yeah, if it's children's birthdays or something but if it's nothing to do with the children then no. I think it's disrespectful to you actually.
When I got with my husband I was a lot younger than him and his ex and they had children. I got on well with his children, but I was young and put up with a lot of things that were actually disrespectful to me. Looking back I cringe! People still have to consider your feelings, just because there are children involved doesn't mean your feelings are less valid. I used to sometimes not go to things because sometimes I would just think oh fuck off all of you and it used to help Grin

comfyslippets · 14/06/2024 23:10

And also, what about when she finds a new partner? Will you and your DP be invited to all her family things? Probably not

comfyslippets · 14/06/2024 23:18

Also (can't stop saying things now 😂), there seems to be a consensus on here and from men generally that have children that the children are always much much more important than anybody else. While I kind of agree with this a partner has feelings too and her feelings are just as valid as anybody else's. It's a fine line but people need to see that. Step mums are supposed to put up or lump it. I have a very good relationship with my step children and DH ex, but I still want to be respected and not look a fool.

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 15/06/2024 00:05

MiddleagedBeachbum · 10/06/2024 11:31

I’d see it that you’re very lucky to find two such emotionally mature adults that have put their shared children’s needs first and foremost and how grateful I was to be part of these dynamics where it sounds like very little drama.

Don’t underestimate how beneficial them having a good relationship is.

Remind yourself, he’s chosen to be with you, loves you, wants you, you have everything to gain from this!

This!

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 15/06/2024 00:05

Marblessolveeverything · 10/06/2024 11:36

This is what adult breaks up look like. You don't banish the ex from extended families. In some cases the in-law may currently have a more established relationship with the extended family.

This is a you issue, it relates to your security in your relationship. So perhaps acknowledging and working on that will help you.

Yep.

Original poster
NellyElly1 · 15/06/2024 14:44

adviceneeded1990 · 14/06/2024 18:07

I think this kind of thing depends on ages of the kids at breakup etc. I met my husband when my DSD was 2, our nephew was 1 and neither of our nieces had been born yet. I’m their auntie despite being the second wife. His ex doesn’t go to his family events either, he attends with his wife and daughter! We do all get along really well and they coparent brilliantly but there is a healthy line IMO. We do my DSDs birthdays together. @NellyElly1 does the ex have a new partner? My husbands exW is also remarried and that’s made a difference I think - I’m not the hanger on, neither is her DH, we’re a family where there happens to be two parents and two stepparents.

Show quote history

Thank you. No, she's not with anybody.

OP posts:
GladPanda · 15/06/2024 18:50

Coming into that dynamic as the dad's partner is bound to be a little bit uncomfortable. I think it's absolutely fine to acknowledge that's how you feel (who on earth is genuinely chuffed to be hanging out with their partner's ex on a regular basis?) as long as you're not behaving in a way that is going to compromise what sounds like a solid co-parenting relationship.

All that said, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to attend some family gatherings that don't include his ex. You've mentioned that she does not have a new partner yet. Does anyone think this setup will continue once she does? If not, then it's not really being done 'in the interests of the children', it's just something that's being done out of habit.

You also mention feelings like there are two of you trying to fill the same role, which is a tricky one. I get the sentiment of people saying that you're his partner and she's the children's mother, but you seem to be saying that his family are treating the ex like she is still both? If your relationship is serious, that seems like something your partner needs to deal with.

Toomanysquishmallows · 16/06/2024 07:34

I am going to say something that will probably be unpopular, but I wonder if things would improve, if his ex met someone else ? It does seem like she still sees them as a unit . I really feel for you with this .

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