I'm really struggling with this

[NellyElly1]

I just need to write things down so my thoughts are in words to help myself understand it better.

Will the insecure feeling of my partner and his ex (BM) being around each other ever go away? It's the history that comes with it all, I think. She's not a horrible person and we get along fine but it's just weird. I feel like a third wheel. Nothing that he is doing, it's just how I feel.

His family still invites her to events, where do I fit into this? I'm supposed to be part of the family now but I just feel like a tag along. I don't want to go to things with her being there. I get that they are all still friends, they still consider her as family though so how can I be family too? There can't be two people taking the same role essentially. As an example, his nephew will still see her as his auntie, fair enough but again, it just confirms how I don't fit in anywhere.

When the kids have a birthday party, it's been a joint arrangement for his and her families to go to. This was prior to me meeting her so at that point, it would have been awkward but even now, it still would be. I'd feel like just a random person going to two already established joint families. I can't expect my partner to not go to his own kids birthday parties though and wouldn't even ask that of him.

And then where does my family fit into this? I don't have kids of my own, I'm trying to create a new life with my partner and his kids and my family being involved with that too but how would that work?

I love my partner more than anything but I'm really struggling to see and work out how this all will actually work.

I would say it is ok to not attend something but be aware this will probably make feel more isolated.

It’s good that they all get on , infinitely better than scenarios where they all just yell at one another .

Im going to say to you to be patient , you will find your place in this big extended family and if the ex has a new partner and you have children of your own in due course then they will all become part of the mix .

If things are good between you and your partner and you get on ok with his DC that’s all you can expect for now . Your role with them is really just to be a friendly adult that cares about them .

I think this means you have a good guy

How often do these events happen? I think I’d be attending maybe half (unless very often). Have you had a conversation with your partner about how you feel a bit awkward/spare part. Not so he can change things but just to be honest and there may be changes he can think of that would help you that might not have occurred to you. Honestly, I can’t imagine expecting my dp to socialise with my ex.

I’m not sure if it is a good and mature way of dealing with the breakup or if it’s overly enmeshed still and could be confusing for the dc. Depends on lots of things I guess.

I’d find this really hard, OP. Remaining amicable is great — especially when there are children involved — but I’d really struggle with my DH’s ex (pleasant though she is) being at every family gathering. Despite PP saying this is the way of the modern world, I think it’s unusual to remain SO intertwined. Is your DP okay with it? And have you told him how it makes you feel?

I’m not sure this is the set up for you. It wouldn’t be for me either. I wanted to create my own family unit because I grew up in a step family and you really don’t have any control over who is included in that family. It’s too fluid. I wouldn’t have been able to do it as an adult too.

@BetterWithPockets , I agree it seems very entwined , I’m not sure I could deal with it.

Why don't you invite his family over for dinner? Make it a regular thing so you can get to know them outside of kids events and without the ex being there.

Not hugely often, I don't think. Yes, I've spoken to him about it and he does understand but doesn't know what he can really do about it. What about things like the DC's birthday parties where it's a joint family thing, i.e. her family go and his go. Do I go too? Am I okay not to go if I feel uncomfortable with it or is it expected of me as his partner?

I'm really sorry, quite new to all this, can you tell me what PP means?
My DP doesn't really overthink it, as long as the kids are happy then he doesn't think about he feels in the situation, he just gets on with things and wants things to be as easy as possible.
He knows how it makes me feel but it's not him inviting her and I wouldn't expect him to make his family not invite her to things too.

We do often have his parents and/or brother and nephew come to ours or us to theirs so this side of things is okay and the time where I don't feel like a third wheel.

Hey - I'm in a similar position. Not quite as friendly to be fair. But my partner is now somewhat civil with his ex. But my partners mum and sister are still very friendly with the ex.
And I struggle with it to. People saying "it's a you problem" are somewhat right. It is us. But I'm completely with you, it's not as simple as "they're happy so i should be completely fine with it all".
It is a difficult dynamic in itself, and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling bad about it!
I'm confused too, I struggle with feelings of being an outsider, and not as involved. Nothing my partner is doing. But it just is a difficult situation, I myself am new to it too. First time I've been with someone who has a kid, My partners boy is 3. But it just is difficult and confusing. You are completely okay to feel those things. I feel them too, you're not alone, and it will get easier!

Sorry, OP. PP is previous poster/posters.
TBH, in your situation, I’d probably — tentatively — ask my DP if he could — tentatively — speak to his family about inviting the ex to fewer events. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. It’s not as though you’d be asking to exclude her altogether. My parents adored my ex but wouldn’t have dreamt of inviting him along to family get-togethers once I met my now DH. I get it’s a nice thing on one level, but I still think it’s overly enmeshed and just a bit weird, quite frankly. How is anyone meant to move on?

PP means Previous Poster - ie someone who has already commented. OP is Original Poster - you.

If you opt out of family events you’re keeping yourself separate from his wider family and therefore less likely to be thought of as part of the extended family unit.

It doesn’t matter that she’s invited. She is no threat to you. Your partner chose to be with you and that’s what matters.

OP it works because they are being adults and putting the dc first. You're not a third wheel, you're dads partner who has been invited into their lives.

Your feelings are understandable, step children/ex wives/ex father and sister ect in-laws are a lot to take on but that is what you'd be taking on with this man.
It's a lot and to be honest in your position I don't think I'd be up for it. Do you think you'd be happier finding a relationship where you will be his first, no step siblings or ex wife and everything that comes with that or do you love him enough to get used to this setup.

OP, I hear you. I am not in a similar situation, or likely to ever be in it, but I have pondered this many times in a general thinking-through of life and its various forms of relationships. I think I, personally, would struggle with shared history that I could never match and the continued presence of someone’s ex partner. This might have to do with things that happened to me when I was younger, my particular history. Even if the situation was healthy. It still would be hard for me, for reasons having to do with me. That doesn’t put anyone in the wrong. It’s simply that everyone has had different life experiences and has different sensitivities.

I also think it would would depend on how your partner and the Ex behave in big group events. Do they reform themselves as a unit, constantly laughing and talking about shared history without letting you in on the information? Or does your husband take pains to include you and explain things to you, family stories etc, so that everyone sees him set the example of you being welcomed and treated equally? Has he started to share anecdotes that refer to your and his shared history, as well as previous shared history with the ex? Do you have the sense he thinks you and he are also building something?

It would also depend on how you feel in situations that are on your turf. Do you feel more comfortable when the ex-wife comes to your house? As opposed to, when you are simply one of a crowd at a gathering at some extended family member’s house?

If your partner is a good person, and he knows you have some sensitivity, he will make an effort to help you feel comfortable. That doesn’t mean he has to behave poorly towards the ex-wife. Just that he will be sensitive to being inclusive of you in the situations.

All good questions to ask yourself.

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear you're going through it too. It's reassuring that it's quite normal to feel these things.

It'll probably get easier once the ex has moved on and found someone else. Then you'll probably find she's around less and it'll be more a meeting at weddings and graduation kind of thing....

My partner's ex never found anyone permanent .... which I think would have given her a different focus.

I do agree with this but I'd feel so guilty to ask that because I feel like it's my problem to deal with and not his/theirs.

It does make me feel like a third wheel and in a way, is a little bit thoughtless, perhaps disrespectful, for family to continue inviting her when they know he has a new partner but that's just me. His family obviously do things differently to me, it seems quite normal with them as there are still other exes of different family members that are still involved too. Everyone is just welcomed as family if they all still get on.

But you're right, how can you move on and create a new life when the ex still hangs around?

I think I'd work out what events are most important and go to them, ditch a few others. Maybe do 2 per year or something? Reiterate to your DP that it's pretty awkward for you and while you understand it's for the DC etc, you'd rather sit some out and maybe you can work out together what events are best to sit out and which he'd really like you to be at.

With the DC's parties, I'd say they're so manic that maybe the DC don't even really notice who is there! Also could be an especially awkward one with all her family there so maybe one to sit out. But discuss with your DP as he may especially appreciate your help if needed. My DP (not DS's dad) hasn't been to any of my DS's parties in the 9 years we've been together as he has a work event that always falls on that weekend. It's not the end of the world.

I'd maybe stop worry about what you "should" do as his partner and work out what could work for both of you with some compromise on both sides. This isn't a particularly normal situation with the ex wife so I think you need to both be a bit flexible with this.

Thank you.
I appreciate that but it doesn't make me feel less uncomfortable, unfortunately.

Well yes, of course it would be easier to have a man without all of this "baggage" but I love him more than anything.

"But you're right, how can you move on and create a new life when the ex still hangs around?"

well it is a new life, there are other exes and you around too. It's different.

This is a really good response. Thank you.

I would say that due to my own life experiences/personality, like you've said, is the reasons why I find this quite difficult and it's very reassuring to know that it's actually okay for me to feel like this. My partner doesn't necessarily always understand why it bothers me so much but (sorry men) sometimes they think in much simpler terms and don't see anything wrong with it! I can't help but feel a little invalidated though when I'm told that it's something I need to get used to. Whilst it's true, it doesn't always help. It's not said in a nasty way though and he does understand why I wouldn't be comfortable but also says that I'm there with him and to not worry about anyone else. If only it was that easy!

I haven't been to any big events with them both present yet. I'd like to think they don't come together as a unit because that wouldn't be acceptable for me. He says they don't. When she's been to our house for drop off/pick up, we all stand together and chat equally like normal people, I don't feel fully comfortable with her around but it's manageable and only mild I think. There's not been any reminiscing or anything like that. There might have been the odd thing that was mentioned but it gets explained, not like a secret or anything. We have had laughs about things that have happened in our own relationship.

He wants us to build our lives together, he looks forward to the future and creating our own story.

Your point at the end as well. What does he do to make me feel comfortable in these situations? I don't think I have the answer to that unfortunately.