If your teenage stepkid upset you, would you tell them?

[youreallyarefantastic]

I'm looking for other opinions on this as I think I handled the situation in a reasonable way, but DSD (after a discussion with her mum) has said I was very, very wrong and she's so upset she can't be around me anymore. Apologies for writing such an essay!

For a bit of context DSD15 lives with us and stays with mum every other weekend. Same court-ordered routine for around 6 years. Prior to 'the incident' I would say we got on pretty well, definitely better than I did with my parents at 15!

It started because one of my friends was upset she couldn't afford a laptop for her son. I said I could help as DSD has an old one she hasn't touched in almost a year. I was sure she'd want to help and she knows my friend quite well. I went to ask DSD, told her about the situation, and explained that I could transfer any old files and reformat the laptop so he could borrow it for a few weeks. She said no. A flat out "no" and would not explain why.

I found this quite upsetting as it had never occurred to me that DSD would not want to help; she's got quite strong morals which she enjoys discussing. Later that evening she asked me why I had been so upset, I explained that I felt bad for not being able to help my friend and I didn't understand why she didn't want to help. She didn't offer any explanation but we hugged, she kept her old laptop, and I thought it was done. However, after DSD talked to her mum about it (they made notes together so DSD could explain her thoughts 'correctly'), DSD has said she's extremely upset about how I acted and can't be around me because I stress her out too much. She thinks I should have accepted her "no" because the laptop is her property. But mainly I was wrong to tell her why I was upset because that is an "adult conversation" and not suitable for a child to hear. However, I think at 15 DSD is mature enough to hear/see how her actions affect people, especially if she asks about it.

AIBU? I suspect DSD is feeling bad for not helping and also feeling stressed by school, but instead of addressing the root causes DSD and her mum have made me the scapegoat for all her negative feelings. I feel like I did the right thing, but I keep second-guessing myself. My partner, DSDs dad, agrees with me completely but some outside opinions would be really helpful.

I wonder if she has files or searches on there she was panicked you might find? Something seems at odds by her response and then over reaction unless she is genuinely just quite particular about her belongings.

Her mum sounds like she is stirring

But on the flip side, it’s hers even if it’s an old one and was your reaction partly because having offered it to your friend you knew you would feel embarrassed going back to them and saying actually DSD doesn’t want you to have it? You shouldn’t really have offered it out without having broached it with DSd first and if she said no you should have just accepted that whatever your views on it.

Teems can be really particular about their things and it’s not really ok to
give someone else’s stuff away.

Later that evening she asked me why I had been so upset

How did you react when upset? It must have been obvious as it was something she followed up with you. Was there any shouting? Has dsd accused you of being aggressive?

I don't think it was unreasonable for dsd to say No so I don't think you should have offered the laptop without first talking to dsd.

It was her laptop. Even if it was an old one. You had no right to promise it to someone else. Then make a big fuss when she refused.

Yanbu to want to hear sd’s explanation but I also think that you were unreasonable to offer the laptop before talking to her because you’ve made her look unreasonable for saying no.
She’s 15 so it’s very possible that she said no on impulse but was too embarrassed to back down later.

I don't think you should have offered without asking her first, and I agree it was unfair to then get upset when she said no. It's her property, she has every right to say no and she doesn't have to give an explanation. I don't always want to share my stuff, either.

I don't think there's anything wrong with explaining your feelings when asked but it sounds like it was all a bit much. I'd apologise for getting upset and admit you were in the wrong there. She'll probably come around, if your relationship is generally good.

I don’t think you should have offered the laptop. It’s unfortunate that your friend can’t afford a laptop but to be brutally honest that isn’t a problem for a teenager who knows this woman through her stepmum to solve. Maybe she felt pressurised to say yes to you and that’s why she feels stressed.

I think this is on you.

Your DSD has every right to be upset - you should never have told your friend she could have your DSD’s laptop without asking your DSD first. You absolutely should have accepted her ‘no’ and moved on without any drama.

If you then got upset in front of her because you couldn’t help your friend (and it wouldn’t be you helping your friend, it would be your stepdaughter) then that could easily have felt like emotional blackmail.

I wonder how her version of this story would differ from yours, OP. She asked you why you had been so upset - how did you show how upset you were? Could it have looked like sulking/emotional blackmail?

You should never have offered out her property in the first place, and you certainly shouldn't have made her feel bad about saying no. The way you've phrased it here - that you're surprised she said no, because she normally has quite strong morals - is a bit manipulative, and if that's coming across in your interactions with you then I can see why she feels uncomfortable.

Her laptop isn't yours to offer out!
You made her the badguy in the situation. Did you by any chance cry when she said no? Thus making your step daughter feel bad for having a very reasonable boundary around other people promising her stuff to someone else.

If you want to help your mate offer her your laptop, not someone else's.

Yep sorry YABU.

It is not your property to promise, and you should have just walked away as soon as she said no. She does not owe you any explanation or understanding behind her reasoning- the adult in you should not have promised something to someone else that you do not own!

@youreallyarefantastic do you often give away other people's things? Do you often ignore other people's boundaries?

I think you are failing to grasp the concept that her belongings are just that, hers, not yours. I would imagine she feels powerless and disrespected by a stepmother who thinks she has the right to offer her possessions to other people without asking! YABVU

You shouldn't have said anything to the friend without checking with your DSD.

How would like her to offer up your belongings to a friend without running it past you? At least she'd have the excuse of being a child.

And you mention numerous times about your assumption that DSD would want to help, wouldn't want not to help, her morals, guilt.

All of which comes across as very manipulative and sanctimonious.

Her mother has supported her in standing up against your behaviour, and good for her.

Why were you upset? It’s hers, you asked (reasonable), she said no (reasonable).

Im interested by what you mean when you say she has strong morals and enjoys talking about them? That makes it sound as though you think she talks about morals but doesn’t follow through with action. Is that what was conveyed to her? Are you one of the types who uses the phrase ‘virtue signalling’?

I don’t think you handled this well at all.

Very unreasonable. You overstepped boundaries. Why are you so invested in helping your friend? You weren't really helping her. You wrongly offered something very personal which wasn't yours to offer. You made assumptions about her wanting to help. You need to apologise to her and never behave like this again. A laptop is very personal.

YABU why did you expect her to give up her property? And basically already promise friend. If you want to help your friend, give her some cash. But instead you promised your DSD’s property. Of course she was going to say no.

but instead of respecting her decision, you made this about your feelings and tried to guilt trip her.

I'm afraid that I think you were wrong to offer her belonging to someone and then to ask- whether she's used it recently or not- it's hers and not yours. I wouldn't appreciate something being offered to someone and then feeling backed into a corner by having to say no, knowing that I'm now going to be perceived poorly for it.

Why were you so upset? Laptops are personal; you shouldn’t have promised it without asking. It was not yours to offer.

‘Being upset’ in front of DSC afterwards seems manipulative.

@youreallyarefantastic "I found this quite upsetting as it had never occurred to me that DSD would not want to help; she's got quite strong morals which she enjoys discussing."

This is the para that leapt out at me. Kind of- "she didn't put her money where her mouth is- she's really keen on redistributing wealth but not when it's her wealth that's being redistributed!"

And I don't understand all the "upset". Surely it's a case of "Hey, Mary, I was wondering if you would lend your old laptop to James til his mum can get him one?" "Sorry, no, I don't want to do that." "Fair enough."

If it was my kid I think I'd be a bit disappointed she wasn't willing to help out, but not upset. Certainly not so upset it showed.

I suspect she probably does use it and has got stuff on there she doesn’t want you to see

I don't think you should have offered her stuff to your friend. And I don't think you should have made such a big deal about her saying no.

I don't agree that a conversation about someone being upset is an adult conversation. But I do think it's guilt trippy and manipulative the way you phrased it.

Who originally bought her the laptop? If it was her mom she might have an emotional attachment to it and want to keep it..or be worried her mom would be mad she gave it away.
It's quite extreme she wants nothing to do with you now so more happened than you realise. She sounds a good kid so it's up to you now to put this right and reach out to her.

You shouldn't offer to give away other people's property without asking them first. You were bang out of line. Would you have done it to your sister or brother, and been upset if they'd said no?

Um, you tried to give away her laptop and then were upset when she wouldn't,

That's wildly unreasonable behaviour.

Then explaining at length why you were upset she wouldn't is the icing on the cake.

Would you be ok with your partner giving away any of your possessions? And then telling you what an awful person you are if you won't give your old phone/the household's second car etc to a friend?

The laptop isn't yours you can't give it away.

I think yabu to offer her property and she's done a good job of expressing her feelings and thoughts and you should show you're listening to her

I found this quite upsetting as it had never occurred to me that DSD would not want to help; she's got quite strong morals which she enjoys discussing.

Having strong morals doesn't mean you can offer someone else her things and assume she will pass them on

I would be interested to know how this 'upset' was displayed.

You certainly owe her an apology, you had absolutely no right to tell her that her laptop was no longer hers without any discussion and you had no reason to be upset about her not wanting to give it away either. How bizarre