If your teenage stepkid upset you, would you tell them?

[youreallyarefantastic]

I'm looking for other opinions on this as I think I handled the situation in a reasonable way, but DSD (after a discussion with her mum) has said I was very, very wrong and she's so upset she can't be around me anymore. Apologies for writing such an essay!

For a bit of context DSD15 lives with us and stays with mum every other weekend. Same court-ordered routine for around 6 years. Prior to 'the incident' I would say we got on pretty well, definitely better than I did with my parents at 15!

It started because one of my friends was upset she couldn't afford a laptop for her son. I said I could help as DSD has an old one she hasn't touched in almost a year. I was sure she'd want to help and she knows my friend quite well. I went to ask DSD, told her about the situation, and explained that I could transfer any old files and reformat the laptop so he could borrow it for a few weeks. She said no. A flat out "no" and would not explain why.

I found this quite upsetting as it had never occurred to me that DSD would not want to help; she's got quite strong morals which she enjoys discussing. Later that evening she asked me why I had been so upset, I explained that I felt bad for not being able to help my friend and I didn't understand why she didn't want to help. She didn't offer any explanation but we hugged, she kept her old laptop, and I thought it was done. However, after DSD talked to her mum about it (they made notes together so DSD could explain her thoughts 'correctly'), DSD has said she's extremely upset about how I acted and can't be around me because I stress her out too much. She thinks I should have accepted her "no" because the laptop is her property. But mainly I was wrong to tell her why I was upset because that is an "adult conversation" and not suitable for a child to hear. However, I think at 15 DSD is mature enough to hear/see how her actions affect people, especially if she asks about it.

AIBU? I suspect DSD is feeling bad for not helping and also feeling stressed by school, but instead of addressing the root causes DSD and her mum have made me the scapegoat for all her negative feelings. I feel like I did the right thing, but I keep second-guessing myself. My partner, DSDs dad, agrees with me completely but some outside opinions would be really helpful.

It's not yours to give away.

It's made me think that if there's a much stronger sense of 'property' at her mum's house then this could be confusing for her.

Or maybe she's not at all confused on the fact that borrowing from each other within the family is different to offering other's belongings externally.

This on you, not mum's household.

Sharing in the family is different!!

Okay more details on my reaction:

When she said no I was obviously a bit taken aback. I didn't cry or get angry. I asked her why, got no response, so I just dropped the conversation - I wasn't going to push it when she obviously didn't want to talk about it.

Later that evening I went to see how she was doing and she asked me if I was upset and why. I explained that I was surprised she didn't want to help out and I still didn't understand her reasons. I asked if she wanted to talk about what she was feeling but she didn't. Again I wasn't angry or crying. I tried to be as neutral as possible. We don't often disagree about stuff and when we do we usually talk it through so at least we understand the others point of view. This was a bit of an anomaly so I finished the conversation by saying that we obviously have different opinions and that's okay, I'll always love and care about her (this was wrong as well apparently!).

All this over not wanting to give something of hers away?

What a massive overreaction from you.

People are not on earth to solve other people’s problems, it’s doesn’t matter that you don’t understand why she didn’t want to do it. She said no, that’s it.

Saying, I’ll still love you anyway, wtf! Why would this even come up?!

And you genuinely can’t see in that why your reaction is the issue?

Not your DSd (or her mothers) feelings about her stuff?

@youreallyarefantastic you really are coming across as someone very emotionally immature. I would suggest you look into some resources to help yourself because this I not how adults behave.

I think saying you'll always love and care about her sends the strong message that you think she was wrong not to give the laptop and you disapprove of her making that choice, which is unfair to her. It sounds like you have a lovely strong relationship in that she felt able to come to you and explain exactly how she's been left feeling with all this. It will be an easy repair if you validate her and apologise.

So, you considered lending your friend’s DS an old laptop with a cracked screen lounging dusty in a drawer downstairs. Your DSD has a new laptop.

YANBU

If you were the DSC’s mum or dad, you wouldn’t be posting here, because it would be a non issue or the parent would have told them to get a grip.

Now you are the bad guy, the wicked step mum, probably whipped up by her mum.

TBH if I were you I’d take a step back. You sound like a nice person, whose generosity has been taken for granted. If I had the spare cash I’d lend it to help my friend to get her DC a laptop as that would mean so much to them, and they’d appreciate it.

Don’t be damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Don’t be someone’s punchbag. Don’t stop being a nice person, but spend those credits on people who appreciate it.

Your DSC sounds immature and spoilt. It was a cracked laptop she’s not using. She has another one. There’s no way any of my DC would have said no to that. They would’ve offered to help clean it up.

Another clarification on something that a lot of people seem to be jumping on. I didn't promise my DSD's old laptop to my friend, I said I might be able to help and then asked DSD. I didn't tell DSD that I had already given her laptop away, I asked her if my friends son could borrowed her old one for a few weeks.

I agree with your step daughter, you shouldn't be offering her belongings without speaking to her first and you shouldn't be trying to guilt trip her when she says no.

This sorry OP 😬😬😬

And thinking about a more accurate reverse situation; if my DSD said her friend was upset because her phone had broken and her parents couldn't afford a new one until payday, and then she asked if she could borrow my old one which had been sitting in a drawer for 6 months since I got a new one, then of course I would say yes!

I'm really struggling to see why I'd say no, but I can see from some responses that not everyone would think that. I don't mean that to be flippant, I sincerely mean it actually never occured to me that this might be a problem for some people!

You’re still not getting it are you?

Your mates son needed a lap top - so you were going to offer DSD lap top to them

It wasn’t your property to do that with. Then you got visibly upset when she said no.

My kids won’t even share chargers!

Your update contradicts your OP. In the first version, you say she asked you why you were "so upset", in the later post you say she asked you whether you were upset. Those are two different things.

Your mates son needed a lap top - so you were going to offer DSD lap top to them

..so you were going to offer DSC “old cracked laptop dusty in a drawer that she’s not using as she has a new one” to them.

I think the problem is you getting up upset when she said no.

That’s a bit ‘crying when you don’t get your own way’ shite my kids pull. Then saying they couldn’t afford one blah blah - which is why the mum is saying that was ‘adult stuff’ because it really isn’t SD fault or responsibility that other people can’t afford things

Just out of interest, if you had not asked her, and just lent it, how long would it take her to ask, “where’s my old laptop?”

How rude are you, offering someone else’s property without their permission?!
You're upset now because you feel embarrassed. So you should.
Would you have done that had your step-child been an adult?

@MrsSkylerWhite @RedRobyn2021 please can you read my posts before commenting? I clearly say this was not the case!

Fair play to you op @youreallyarefantastic being brave enough to come back and explain more!

Sense of property aside, do you feel any new awareness of your step daughters subjective experience of you? I hope that makes sense.

Ie, if she found you .... eg, quick to dismiss her experience of you as "wrong" , would you accept that that is her experience of you?

Or would you find yourself explaining to her/us why her experience of you is wrong or unfair to you?

I too think it’s weird that she wouldn’t lend it, (and that there are families where children can’t share a charger with a sibling WTF!). I do think it was hers to say “no” about and you are allowed to react and explain in any way you choose to a random selfish act by your step daughter. The consequence for her is she felt upset that she hadn’t behaved in the way you expected and to you that she didn’t react to you sharing your feelings as you expected. If that means she never wants to speak to you again, then I think it’s not about the laptop.

@SnuffyAndBigBird thanks for your comments. That's the bit that I really didn't understand, it's an old laptop she's not used for months and she definitely would not have noticed if I'd just taken it😊

OP, you are getting it in the neck because you are a step mum. I am actually a step child, so not exactly a massive SM fan, but I think you are being treated harshly.

If you took out the step you’d get a completely different response here. People would tell you to talk to your child and show them that they are not being kind, and a bit entitled.

I think modelling good communication about feelings is very important. Nothing wrong with being honest.

But..my stepdaughter has a ton of stuff she doesn't use and although I privately think it's a bit silly to hang onto it, I wouldn't say that..it's not worth it, it's all too political with step kids.