If your teenage stepkid upset you, would you tell them?

[youreallyarefantastic]

I'm looking for other opinions on this as I think I handled the situation in a reasonable way, but DSD (after a discussion with her mum) has said I was very, very wrong and she's so upset she can't be around me anymore. Apologies for writing such an essay!

For a bit of context DSD15 lives with us and stays with mum every other weekend. Same court-ordered routine for around 6 years. Prior to 'the incident' I would say we got on pretty well, definitely better than I did with my parents at 15!

It started because one of my friends was upset she couldn't afford a laptop for her son. I said I could help as DSD has an old one she hasn't touched in almost a year. I was sure she'd want to help and she knows my friend quite well. I went to ask DSD, told her about the situation, and explained that I could transfer any old files and reformat the laptop so he could borrow it for a few weeks. She said no. A flat out "no" and would not explain why.

I found this quite upsetting as it had never occurred to me that DSD would not want to help; she's got quite strong morals which she enjoys discussing. Later that evening she asked me why I had been so upset, I explained that I felt bad for not being able to help my friend and I didn't understand why she didn't want to help. She didn't offer any explanation but we hugged, she kept her old laptop, and I thought it was done. However, after DSD talked to her mum about it (they made notes together so DSD could explain her thoughts 'correctly'), DSD has said she's extremely upset about how I acted and can't be around me because I stress her out too much. She thinks I should have accepted her "no" because the laptop is her property. But mainly I was wrong to tell her why I was upset because that is an "adult conversation" and not suitable for a child to hear. However, I think at 15 DSD is mature enough to hear/see how her actions affect people, especially if she asks about it.

AIBU? I suspect DSD is feeling bad for not helping and also feeling stressed by school, but instead of addressing the root causes DSD and her mum have made me the scapegoat for all her negative feelings. I feel like I did the right thing, but I keep second-guessing myself. My partner, DSDs dad, agrees with me completely but some outside opinions would be really helpful.

My husband does this, tells me he’s said x can borrow MY whatever and then gets huffy because I say no way!
It’s not yours to lend to someone ffs!
And it’s certainly not for your dsc to lend if they don’t want to however much you try convincing them.

This.
You offered someone else's laptop away before even consulting them? Then get "upset" at her flat refusal?
Sorry, but DSD has every right to take issue with this.

I agree with poster who folded the comment later she asked me why I was so upset

So, you wanted to help some other kid (to be the hero of the hour racing in with an old lap top) and your stepdaughter had to defend her property or defend her right to say no to you.

You were already "upset".

These are some dysfunctional dynamics here.

You say a few times that you couldn't imagine she wouldn't have wanted, to help. I find this telling. So, you couldn't have reasonably been expected to anticipate that she would see things differently????

you couldn't in this situation have imagined that she'd have wanted to keep her own lap top??? She ought to have wanted to give it away.

If she had allowed you to give it away how would you have felt? Like a Rescuer a fixer? Would the bit of thanks you'd have got validated you??

Not saying this makes you a BAD person but did you think about your step daughters experience of being on the receiving end of you being upset that she wouldn't just obligingly hand over her property so that she could look generous.

My mum does stuff like this and it's frustrating because in her head, her motives were 100% GOOD, ie, to be helpful, so she gets extremely defensive if you have the hope that you might be allowed a different perspective. Her conclusion is always that I have been hurtful. So you can never have a subject experience of a person like this because you are hurtful if you don't 100% accept that their motives were good. So that has to be the end of it. Even though you're left feeling, am I invisible here?

I'd love to hear your DSD's perspective on this. I'm assuming she feels emotionally blackmailed/manipulated by you. There was no reason for you to be visibly upset after she said no.

She might have stuff on the laptop she doesn't want anyone to see or might want it for other reasons. It wasn't wrong for her to say no. That's what you need to understand, which you don't seem to.

The not wanting to be around you sounds very extreme - wonder if anything else happened?

I'd love to know if this thread has made you think @youreallyarefantastic ?

Whenever I have been hurt by mother's disregard for me , sometimes so that she could appear thoughtful/generous to a cousin/neighbour/acquaintance... if I try to express my hurt, then bam! switcheroo! it is I who has hurt her so it is very difficult to change anything. If you try to be heard, you are hurting her just by having a visible reaction to what happened as seen through your own eyes.

Because.... she couldn't have imagined I wouldn't see the situation in the exact same way.

I would love if you came back and explained your thought processes to us @youreallyarefantastic

Thanks so much for all your responses. Yes, it has made me think more about it.

I guess because we tend to share everything in our house I don't have the same sense of 'property', and didn't think DSD did either. DSD is always borrowing my clothes/makeup/hair dryer (and vice versa sometimes 😊), and before we bought her the laptops she would use mine when she needed it for school. It's just sort of the default way we work and it had never occurred to me that other families would be different!

I realise now that this is in contrast with how a lot of people are; I was probably being a bit naïve to not think about it earlier to be honest. It's made me think that if there's a much stronger sense of 'property' at her mum's house then this could be confusing for her.

Although I'm not too sure how important it is, a lot of responses have focussed on me promising her laptop away without asking her first. That's not exactly how it happend, my post was so long already to go into all the details!

I didn't specifically tell my friend I was giving her DSDs laptop, I just said I had an idea of how I could help. And they know each other quite well, we've been out for meals together so they're not strangers.

And if you had asked to use her laptop, which is comparable to the examples you’ve given, she would likely have let you.

You wanted to give it away completely, forever, to your friend’s son.

I think your examples, and that you’re still implying there is some sort of fault in her mother’s home, show that you haven’t got it at all.

What upset did you show? Did you cry or shout or show it in another way?

@youreallyarefantastic I know this isn’t the point of the thread but is your DSD in schooling? How has she researched, written papers, etc, without touching her laptop for a year? Has she been using a family computer instead? That seems a bit odd.

You wanted to give it away completely, forever, to your friend’s son.

No she didn't.

I went to ask DSD, told her about the situation, and explained that I could transfer any old files and reformat the laptop so he could borrow it for a few weeks.

never occurred to me that other families would be different!

What nonsense. Borrowing someone’s clothing is a million miles away from giving away someone's laptop.

You are not a better family becsue you let her use your hairdryer

You were wrong to offer her old laptop to your friend and wrong to be upset when she refused. It’s her property and up to her whether she gives it or not.

Not sure why you got so upset over it. It all seems like a bit of an overreaction really. Her mother is clearly mixing trouble.

This. You basically emotionally manipulated her. It is her property you don't offer someone else's property. Then when they say no guilt trip them. She isn't the immature one!

Don’t offer to give away other people’s things then make them feel guilty when they say no!
Now your stepdaughter will be feeling like everything that’s hers in your house is actually just on loan and she has nothing. And then that you think she’s a bad person because she has a different understanding of property to you.
You misjudged this one very badly.

It's an old laptop, so presumable she had a newer one?

You were wrong to offer out something that doesn't belong to you. You can't give away or lend something that isn't yours. However, "But mainly I was wrong to tell her why I was upset because that is an "adult conversation" and not suitable for a child to hear." This is an adult talking and not a 15 year old.

Even if it wasn't as people have interpreted, you really overstepped here OP. You really sound as if you have taken people's feedback on board. Just apologise unreservedly and work on rebuilding your relationship with DSD when she's ready.

Your follow up isn't much better to be honest. It sounds like a very superior attitude, in your house you share, mums house doesn't.

There was no need for you to be upset, and if you were it certainly wasn't caused by your DSD. It was caused by you offering something that wasn't yours to offer and you're now embarrassed.

Being visibly upset with a child over this is manipulative.

I could transfer any old files and reformat the laptop so he could borrow it for a few weeks

It would involve formatting the hard drive which would lose all data, licences and passwords so wouldn't be dsd's laptop anymore, just blank hardware.

Op, how upset did you get, since this appears to be the core reason why dsd is choosing to distant herself from you.

Just to clarify - it was an old laptop. I'm not trying to give the laptop she uses to someone!!

The touchscreen had broken so we bought her a new one. The old (spare) one was still working in every other way, but had been in a drawer downstairs for months collecting dust.

Only lend what you're prepared not to be returned. I agree with SD saying no when she barely knows this person. Don't promise things on behalf of others have the good manners to ask them first. Don't see why her mums getting blamed for any of this.

I see there’s still no detail about how upset the Op was and how that was expressed to the step daughter - I’d say that’s pretty telling

You still don’t get it, OP.

You wanted to solve the problem and be the hero, by asking something of someone else.

You were at no point in position to ‘think you know how you could help’. It doesn’t matter that it was old, it’s hers

Also, on another thread you state your DSC has ASD and ADHD, yet you don’t mention this here, and state that although she’s a child, you think she should understand your arguments as an adult would. Is this the same DSC?

"I explained that I felt bad for not being able to help my friend and I didn't understand why she didn't want to help"

That was emotional manipulation though.

I think what happened was you guilt tripped DSD and tried to make her feel bad enough as leverage to get what you wanted for you poor friend.

Teens are more emotionally fragile than adults. It's not like for like.

You felt you had to press her on it emotionally because you wanted to be the rescuer to your friend maybe. And then DSD stood in the way of that.

Try to think of a different context and put yourself in her shoes.

Say you have a very nice coat but you rarely wear it and actually it's too small now.

DH comes home and says "oh Mabel from work, her daughter wants a coat like that old thing you have, I said you had a coat you will never wear again it's too small for you.... Can't see why you are being so selfish over it, don't you want to help Mabel's daughter you are always banging on about good causes"

You're somehow putting blame onto her mum/mums house when in reality you've messed up.