If your teenage stepkid upset you, would you tell them?

[youreallyarefantastic]

I'm looking for other opinions on this as I think I handled the situation in a reasonable way, but DSD (after a discussion with her mum) has said I was very, very wrong and she's so upset she can't be around me anymore. Apologies for writing such an essay!

For a bit of context DSD15 lives with us and stays with mum every other weekend. Same court-ordered routine for around 6 years. Prior to 'the incident' I would say we got on pretty well, definitely better than I did with my parents at 15!

It started because one of my friends was upset she couldn't afford a laptop for her son. I said I could help as DSD has an old one she hasn't touched in almost a year. I was sure she'd want to help and she knows my friend quite well. I went to ask DSD, told her about the situation, and explained that I could transfer any old files and reformat the laptop so he could borrow it for a few weeks. She said no. A flat out "no" and would not explain why.

I found this quite upsetting as it had never occurred to me that DSD would not want to help; she's got quite strong morals which she enjoys discussing. Later that evening she asked me why I had been so upset, I explained that I felt bad for not being able to help my friend and I didn't understand why she didn't want to help. She didn't offer any explanation but we hugged, she kept her old laptop, and I thought it was done. However, after DSD talked to her mum about it (they made notes together so DSD could explain her thoughts 'correctly'), DSD has said she's extremely upset about how I acted and can't be around me because I stress her out too much. She thinks I should have accepted her "no" because the laptop is her property. But mainly I was wrong to tell her why I was upset because that is an "adult conversation" and not suitable for a child to hear. However, I think at 15 DSD is mature enough to hear/see how her actions affect people, especially if she asks about it.

AIBU? I suspect DSD is feeling bad for not helping and also feeling stressed by school, but instead of addressing the root causes DSD and her mum have made me the scapegoat for all her negative feelings. I feel like I did the right thing, but I keep second-guessing myself. My partner, DSDs dad, agrees with me completely but some outside opinions would be really helpful.

You say she’s got strong morales that she’s always discussing. Perhaps you assumed she’d want to help.

She’s upset because her virtual signalling has been exposed. She’s not actually the nice person she’s been projecting. That’s why she’s reacted like this. She’s just a kid, and she seems immature for a 15 year old. I don’t quite get the possessiveness as my teens are happy to share and help others in need.

I’d suck up an apology to her, to clear the air. If it doesn’t work, take a step back and let your DH and her mum parent her.

The step daughter doesn’t have to give her things away if she doesn’t want to.

The step mum shouldn’t have got visibly upset over it where the step daughter had to approach her and see if she was ok.

That’s on OP for not keeping her own emotions regulated - not the 15 year old girl

This.

Not from me, @SnuffyAndBigBird

This poster's style of relating reminds me of my mother not my step mother.

Ie, the bit where you try to explain "my experience of this interaction left me feeling invisible" and then instead of being seen when you say "no" , you get told that your interpretation of what happened was wrong (and unfair to the person who gave you no thought) so you end up feeling invisible, unheard, but also, bafflingly guilty of hurting the person who gave your feelings no consideration or importance when they made their initial decision.

The op, instead of really putting herself in her step daughters shoes, she puts the step daughters boundary now down to her having a sense of property!!! Like it's unreasonable to have a sense of property.

@Hugosmaid this is really not what happened. I explained the situation and then asked her if she could spare her old laptop for a few weeks. She didn't say no and then I guilt-tripped her with all the extra details!

I think the detail about my friend not being able to afford a new one is important, and at 15 she's old enough to know this happens. Yes it's not her problem, but it's a significant detail when making the decision on whether to lend out an item. If someone asks to borrow a laptop because they can't afford one it's very different to asking for one because they can't be arsed going to the shops to get one.

JHC, it was a cracked laptop, dusty in a drawer, replaced by a new one. It wasn’t her prom dress that she was just about to wear.

You see, this is why I’d rather be single, than a step mum. It’s too much drama and politics.

Don’t be so ridiculous. A 15 year old not wanting to give away their own property to someone they barely know through their stepmum isn’t a nice person? Get a grip. The only thing that has been exposed is OP’s over the top virtue signalling and immaturity in thinking that she can give away the possessions of others without even as much as asking first.

I’m in my 50s, if someone had the audacity to randomly give away my laptop, charity or not I’d be furious too!

I don't think you've done anything wrong @youreallyarefantastic either in exploring that possibility with dsd or in explaining to her why you were upset when she asked. I've told my dsd when she's upset me and its led to a more emotionally honest relationship.

Also a 15 year old doesn't use phrases like that conversation is too adult for me or whatever she said. That's her mother stirring. Ignore.

Op, correct me if I’m wrong, but I can’t see that you’ve addressed the privacy issues that have been raised. Teenagers especially are going to be very protective of their privacy, and there may well be things on her laptop that she doesn’t want to risk anyone else seeing. Search history/poetry/musings about life - any number of things. Maybe she now feels that as your boundaries don’t seem to chime with hers, hers are in danger of being breached? Maybe try and reassure her about that. Although it’s difficult to guarantee never to touch a 15 year old’s property, if you suspect that they might be at risk and you want to check phones etc.

It's clear to me that you're disappointed in her.

She probably feels the same. That's never nice for a teen to discover.

You offered your dsd’s property without asking her first. I would say to offer your own belongings first. Your dsd is right to feel upset and annoyed. You need to ask before offering others help.

I never buy my kids iPads or laptop for school. I purchase them but I make it clear to them that they are mine and I’m buying it for them to use while at school and I can take them away if they are misusing them. It’s not a birthday gift, they are a school item. In the same way I buy them school uniforms. When they outgrow them they are passed on or sold. They don’t get to say no I’m not selling/giving my old school shirt away I want to keep it. Or say that the money for the uniforms belongs to them because they are theirs.

in that situation I would not be buying her any further laptops without saying explicitly that you are buying a laptop for her to use for school, but it is not her personal property and once it’s finished with it’s still yours.

@Owl9to5 thanks for your thoughtful response, it's so much more useful than people's knee jerk reactions to the first few lines of my initial post.

I had hoped by asking her, respecting her "no" and not giving the old laptop away (it's still in the drawer), asking her why she didn't want to, and asking her about her feelings later in the day I had tried to give her space to feel heard. I also hoped that by telling her it's okay that we disagree that she didn't feel like her interpretation was wrong, it's just that I don't understand it!

What do you think I could have done better?

Sorry but like many others, I also think that you shouldn't be giving away her property. It's HERS. Whether she's used it or not. She would be able to sell it, but also it's quite useful to have a backup, so you have no right at all to tell her she has to give it to someone else. And I don't have a bloody clue why you're upset by it.

@goldenretrievermum5 @ButterCrackers again please see my PP, I did not give anything away without asking her first! I did not tell my friend she could have it before asking my DSD, and I did not tell my DSD that I'd already promised it to someone.

This is what made me think you had told your friend before asking your dsd “I said I could help as DSD has an old one she hasn't touched in almost a year.”

@ButterCrackers sorry I was trying to be brief as I'd written so much already. I can see how that could be misinterpreted so I clarified it in a later post.

Fucking hell the responses on here.
Do not be drawn in to anymore dialogue about this. A simple 'I shouldn't have expected you to give up your old laptop for a few weeks, I apologise' will do. Don't get dragged in to any drama that dsd and her mother have invented.

As an aside @youreallyarefantastic , you have given the stepmother bashers something to froth about. Prod them a little and see how vile they get 😉You did nothing wrong, just tried to help someone, your dsd said no as is her right. Done. You would have thought you'd smashed the bloody thing in front of her going by some of the replies.

I have an autistic child, we cannot get rid of any of his old tech (he just about lets me get rid of his pants he’s too big for).

Ok. Take it easy on your dsd. She doesn’t want to lend her computer and that’s fine.

I don't know if we can ever hope to do things perfectly! But a heartfelt acknowledgement of how the experience was from the other side of the net is like a super power imo. I've done that when things have got heated with my daughter. Even when I feel like her reaction is disproportionate to what happened. There was still a feeling underneath it. The other night I said, let's order a pizza! but then I opened the fridge and there was a nice veg deli pizza in the fridge so I cooked that. She was grumpy and cross with me. I felt like saying ''for god's sake, give me a break here'' but I said to her ''I'm sorry that you were disappointed. I know that the two don't really compare''.

She could laugh at herself then because I acknowledged that it was a disappointment!!! To come downstairs expecting a cheesey carbfest with garlic mayo and get a deli pizza. Not horrible but not ''as sold''.

I don't find my son easy though, part of the reason this method doesn't work with him is that he cannot laugh at himself later. If that same exchange had occurred with my son he would have stuck with the narrative that yes mother, you failed me, you disappointed me. Even though you were at work all day. It's on you to delight me.......... So self-awareness helps when you start off acknowledging how the other person felt. Their level of self-awareness i mean.

I agree with you completely, I think being a step mum must be really hard. (I'm single too). When my lunatic x briefly dated somebody kind, I was valuing the days she was around, until she realised that he had a heart of stone. Sadly she realised that. Now she's single too!

I don’t think you did anything wrong. You asked her as you see no reason why she would say no, she’s got a new one and doesn’t use the old one. I’d feel a bit disappointed in my kids too if they were saying no for no good reason. You handled it well and haven’t made her feel guilty.

Many have said it, but your response of saying you'll always love her was wrong. It comes across that she's done something bad, but nevertheless, you still love her.

She wasn't wrong to say no. Your surprise that she said no, was clearly so visible. You questioning her on why she said no, was unnecessary and wrong.

She was clearly upset by it and told her mum. People insinuating her mum is trying to cause problems are wrong. Her daughter went to her with a problem.

I wouldn't lend my old laptops to anyone, outside of my nuclear family and my sisters.

Your husband doesn't see an issue, because perhaps he didn’t get a full understanding of it. He didn't question you further for the details as ppl have here and men often just don't get this kind of stuff.

You summarised the situation and so much isn't captured in your summary.

You mention sharing in your household and that further goes to try and vindicate you of any wrong doing, but to blame the lack of sharing at her mum's house as the issue.

I may be happy to share a packet of crisps, or donate to a homeless shelter, give away old clothes... but with my tech and gadgets.. I'm quite precious.

Finally.. I'm not sure if your friend is on benefits or low income. If so, she may be able to approach her son's school to get him a laptop using the pupil premium funding. I know a few people who have got this assistance.

Schools keep quiet about this funding, but it's affecting his learning, leaving him at a disadvantage and they may be able to help.

Sorry DSD, I was in the wrong and sometimes my words don’t always land as I mean them to. I’m sorry I upset you about the laptop.