Looking for other people's experiences with being a step parent.

[Lafoosa]

I recently started seeing a single dad, he's wonderful with his children which is great.
We've both got 3 kids, so 6 in total.
It's not at the stage yet where this topic has really come up, but it is something I'm obviously thinking about because if the relationship goes well and progresses then we'd both be step parents to each other's kids.

At the moment we've met the kids, but we don't touch each other in any way or give any indication anything other than friendship is going on while the kids are around. Just while we're in the early doors.

So my question is more, what is it like being a step parent? My kids are 2, 4, 6 and his are 3, 5, 7. So all very similar ages, and all very young still.

I had a stepmum as a child but she was really abusive so I don't have a positive experience of my own to draw from, but I know being able to love someone else's kids won't be a problem for me.
I've got a different stepmum now but she came into my life as an adult, so it's not the same dynamic at all and I'd say it feels more on par with having another auntie.

What are some positives and some difficulties you've experienced as a step parent? What are some things to keep in mind?

I know we aren't at this stage yet, but I like to go into things at least a little prepared and I think it's important to consider it now.

How recent is recent @Lafoosa?

Honestly, read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin.

And try to set aside the hugely moralised and simplistic idea that, unlike those nasty SM’s, you are a good person who will have no trouble just living other people’s children as if they were your own.

so-called ‘wicked stepmums’ almost always start out from that naive position - and then reality hits.

A stepfamily with 6 children, all very young, is a particularly challenging prospect to take on.

Don’t do it would be my advice. Thats far too many kids and far too much complication. I would never ever do it again. Ever. It’s been so much harder than I ever could have imagined ( we have 4 kids between us) . His ex is a certified nightmare; his kids act all perfect but they manipulate and lie and are often quite mean to him but of course he makes excuses for them all the time. He’s stuck in the middle. My kids love him and if it was just us 4 it would be perfect. I’m just holding out now until the kids reach 18 ( not many years here) your kids are so young. That’s would be a long time to ‘hold out’ sorry. But if I knew what I know now, I would have run far far away.

I'm a stepmum and I absolutely love it. But if you were to read the step-parenting board on here you'd see that I'm in the minority.

From reading other people's posts it seems that the key to being a happy stepmum lies in your partner. People blame disobedient kids, difficult exes but the reason for whatever issue usually falls to the dad.

You really need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting styles. Does he have routine and boundaries with his kids? Does he correct behaviour and have consequences in place?

He also needs to have boundaries with his ex. Is there a structured parenting plan in place or is he at the beck and call of his ex? Does he cancel plans with you because the ex has asked him to have the kids last minute. Does he have time for you? Is he willing to make you a priority as well as his kids?

My situation works because my DH has always made me a priority. He doesn't pander to his ex and has firm boundaries with her. He was living independently when I met him and managing 50:50 custody on his own. He listens to my concerns, my ideas. He treats me as an equal parent and trusts me to discipline if I feel I need to. He doesn't go on the defence if I criticise something the kids are doing. He has boundaries and expectations for the kids and he disciplines when needed. He is present for his kids and doesn't take it for granted that I will do his childcare for him.

How often does he have his kids?
What is the relationship with the mum like?
What is his current living situation?

Potentially blending a family with 6 children would be a massive compromise on everyone's part. Those ages all equate to a lot of very important exams in school and a very intense 6ish years for everyone. How would you give than many children the space and time they need for that?

That's just one aspect, there are so many other things to think of.

My advice would be don’t do it. I don’t enjoy being a stepmum at all. I think, however, things would be 100% better and different if my oh’s ex wasn’t such a nightmare. She doesn’t realise the impact she has on her DC behaving in this way. If he has an amicable relationship with his that would help, but that doesn’t take away the fact that there are 6 kids in the equation. We have 4 between us and that’s hard enough!

These comments are interesting and people saying don't do it? But she has 3 herself? So should she only aim to find a man with no children? I imagine that would be quite challenging with 3 small children or are people advising she remains alone?

i think the key thing here really is that there are six children. All young.

That’s a hugely complex prospective blended family scenario. It’s a long way from a childless woman and a man with two primary school aged kids, for example.

if the youngest children are 2 and 3, it’s likely that the respective relationships ended reasonably recently. So the patterns and expectations may be less settled on all sides. That will be a complicating factor.

6 children - who have three different households (actually 4 right now, but the question is around the potential for blending) is also a complex situation. Even more so since they’re similar ages so differences in rules and expectations between houses will be extremely obvious and hard to explain to small children.

Even without those complicating factors, it’s 6 children. Logistically how would that work? How would transporting all the children work? Can you afford a 7 bedroom house? If not, what kind of room sharing would you be expecting. Asking unrelated children to share rooms often is an additional complicating factor - as is balancing out who gets the ‘best’ of the options. What about holidays? How would that work?

How do you ensure you meet your children’s needs when there are 3 other children to throw into the mix? What if the children don’t like each other?

Is this really what you want, OP? No matter how great this guy seems, is this the life you want for your kids?

I can't imagine myself hating being a stepmum at all, I absolutely love kids and I've looked after my sisters 2 kids for long periods so I know looking after another 3 isn't going to be an issue. I have a huge family myself, and am very used to lots of little people.
Both mine and his ex are a bit shit to be honest, he's got majority custody of his and I've got full custody of mine with the odd visit with dad (but he's unreliable).
His kids get very similar discipline to mine, and we both went into this knowing we've both got 3 kids, so if it was an issue why would we have even started dating?
His kids are also lovely, and he's a good dad.
Yes exs make things hard when they're unreliable, but that just comes with being a parent and dating unfortunately. It's not something that makes things not worth doing imo.

In answer to some other questions
He had his kids 5 days a week,
Their mum is a bit of a b, and can be a bit unreliable with cancelling her time with them. My ex is the same, although he doesn't even have mine once a month.
He doesn't bent to his exs whim.

I'm actually quite surprised how many people hate it.

The fact she has 3 children herself is possibly an even bigger reason for her to rule out men with children and especially many children.

These things aren’t about ‘fairness’. The ‘well I have kids so I must accept adding more to the mix’ argument is possibly well intentioned but ultimately problematic.

‘Remaining alone’ is most definitely not the worst case scenario here.

And how many childless men are willing to date a woman with 3 kids? Most men will be ruling her out for that also.

I have a good relationship with my stepchildren who are now adult. They were 7 and 5 when I started going out with their Dad. At that time I had no children of my own though we then had a daughter together.

Your situation is different from mine. There'd be a lot of new relationships - those of your children and his children to consider.

I'd probably want to take things quite slowly.

That is life with 3 kids though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You've just started dating him. Don't plan to throw your lot in with him. See how it goes. I sense you're doing quite a lot of magical thinking about happy families. Slow everything right down. Read the step parent board - full of very unhappy stepmothers.

My experience of being a step mum was being used as a free housekeeper. He needed someone to fill that role and I walked into it thinking I was being a good step mum loving these kids. I'm OLD a bit now and it's amazing how many men ghost you when you say you have no problem him having kids but you will not be cooking cleaning or caring for them you will only be enjoying the family days out and fun times as a family they will remain his responsibility not become become mine. My advice to you is communicate similar to your partner and don't do the caring for his kids just to be sure you are not being lined up to be used as free nanny housekeeper

In the nicest possible way, you are very naive. Do you think the stepmums who hate it got into it thinking they were going to hate it? No. They thought, I love kids, this will be a walk in the park. But it never is. I enjoy being a stepmum but it is far from a walk in the park. Things have come up that I never even imagined.

You can have a relationship without needing to blend families and have six kids under one roof together. Not every relationship needs to have the end goal of happy families. Spending every other child free weekend together is just as much of a relationship as blending families.

I have children and hell would freeze over before I consider becoming a step mother or moving a man into my home while my kids are in it.

My husbands ex managed to find a childless man who didn’t run for the hills because she had 3 kids. I’m sure becoming pregnant 5 minutes into the relationship helped prevent that though.

Honestly op - I wouldn’t be rushing to move in together or anything like that. Enjoy each other separately from your children for a period of time. 6 children under one roof is going to be extremely hard work, even if you do love it and there are no problems down the line.

I agree.

In particular, you already know that the relationship between your new boyfriend and his ex is poor and that she is likely to be challenging and hostile. And you know your ex is useless too. Both of those things may well be very important in different ways and at different points. In ways you do not expect too.

If you are going to do this, it really is important to try to get beyond your belief that liking children and being a good person is all that you need (and the assumption that SMs who struggle don’t also fit that description). A lot of heartache and self-loathing for SM comes from this extremely naive assumption.

Take things really slowly. You say yourself that you’ve recently started seeing this man and you’ve already met the kids, and you are thinking about becoming their stepmother already. Your youngest child is 2… there’s loads of time and it is definitely a good idea to ensure everyone has lots of time and space to try to figure any of this out before even considering ‘blending’ the families (presumably by living together).

3+3=6 plus three kids who aren't yours are an entirely different board game to your own kids. I do love how non step parents like to come on here to give advice.

By all means keep seeing him but if it were me I would maintain separate houses and keep your relationship away from the kids.

As a wholly single parent to two young girls DDs my advice is that find a childless man,

We're a very happy and successful blended family now but only because both of us could put all our energy in my DDs. No way would I have spent my energy on someone else's kids whilst my own were going through such a huge transition.

It took everything we had to make sure two kids coped with the transition, six, from two different families simply isn't possible, they will be the ones who lose.

What advice did I give? I asked a question and the 3 kids won’t be the single man’s children either yet you are advising he takes them on?…

Eh?! Am advising they live in separate houses and no one takes on anyone's children. I just don't get why people even comment on step-parenting posts when they have no experience. Just like I'm not pregnant (and haven't been for a long time) so I wouldn't dream of commenting on pregnancy posts.

You said I came on here to give advice? The step parenting board comes up on active and I will comment on whatever I like, no one is arguing with you I asked a question so wind your neck in!