Looking for other people's experiences with being a step parent.

[Lafoosa]

I recently started seeing a single dad, he's wonderful with his children which is great.
We've both got 3 kids, so 6 in total.
It's not at the stage yet where this topic has really come up, but it is something I'm obviously thinking about because if the relationship goes well and progresses then we'd both be step parents to each other's kids.

At the moment we've met the kids, but we don't touch each other in any way or give any indication anything other than friendship is going on while the kids are around. Just while we're in the early doors.

So my question is more, what is it like being a step parent? My kids are 2, 4, 6 and his are 3, 5, 7. So all very similar ages, and all very young still.

I had a stepmum as a child but she was really abusive so I don't have a positive experience of my own to draw from, but I know being able to love someone else's kids won't be a problem for me.
I've got a different stepmum now but she came into my life as an adult, so it's not the same dynamic at all and I'd say it feels more on par with having another auntie.

What are some positives and some difficulties you've experienced as a step parent? What are some things to keep in mind?

I know we aren't at this stage yet, but I like to go into things at least a little prepared and I think it's important to consider it now.

This book is superb - was let to me developing my position

@Humbughumbug I really hope you have dumped this loser.

Why would you settle for so little in life?

For me the biggest factor was resentment and unfair treatment of the children. My breaking point with ‘blending’…

My ex DP convinced me to put my house up for sale so we could buy a big, white picket fence style house for us and the three kids (one mine, two his). He earned double what I earned at the time (but the idea that he would pay more towards the bills was out of the question).

We saw a house and he wanted to put an offer in. I spent hours doing the sums to see if / how I could afford this larger mortgage in the hopes of giving my son a ‘dream home’ and living the happy ‘family life’. I worked out that I could JUST ABOUT afford it.

That evening my ex DP sat on the sofa with my mum and said ‘yeah it will be great. It’s a gorgeous house and I’ll be so much better off for sharing a mortgage / bills that I’ll be able to put at least £1,000 per month into a savings account for my kids.’

Called the estate agent the next day and took my house off the market.

⬆️ is what I don’t understand sometimes about step parenting.

Goldie was ok for there to be an unequal split of bills (he earned double but paying more was out of the question), that was fine.
Personally I would have walked on here.

But what wasn’t fine was the for difference to go to his DC?

It’s like when ppl are happy for x to happen, until it becomes SP v ex?

I don’t understand how issues are often fine until it benefits the DSC or the ex even if indirectly for the latter.

Because he was putting Goldie in a worse position for the sole benefit of his own children. He was happy to see Goldie struggle financially so he could keep a nest egg.

When you’re part of a partnership that’s not fair and equal. Fair would be paying the bills proportionately. If my DH was happy for me to be disadvantaged to further his own agenda he wouldn’t be my DH. Rather, we both benefit or we both struggle.

@SprinkleofSpringShowers the point I’m making is that Glodie was happy to be in a worse position until she found out it was benefitting his children.

It was only once she found out the DC would benefit that she decided to pull out. Until that point she was happy being disadvantaged.

This what I find weird.

I’m not sure that is what she’s saying. I think the reality of her being disadvantaged was spelt out to her and at that stage she realised how bad a deal it was. If you think it’s ok to treat a partner like that (kids or not) you’ve got questionable morals.

but I know being able to love someone else's kids won't be a problem for me

God this sounds so naive.

Nothing but positivity here, i love being a step mum and have a great relationship with my dsc. My top advice is discuss discipline and rules before you move in together. You have to compromise - dh is more laid back with screen time than me so I've had to compromise there, I'm more relaxed about having other kids over for sleepovers etc so he has had to compromise there, but it's important to discuss some of these things in advance and get on the same page. Finances, childcare etc are all big topics that you need to discuss in advance.

We actively prioritise being a family unit so treating all the kids equally matters a lot BUT we also carve out time to do things with our own DC as well as this matters to the kids.

Finally his relationship with their mum really matters, so you have to consider that. I bite my tongue a lot and try not to overstep, and I've built my own relationship with his ex over time as has dh with my ex...respecting their other parent (even when you disagree) is key.

But honestly we are a happy, loving family and j wouldn't change a thing

@SprinkleofSpringShowers I don’t think it’s acceptable to treat a party like that.

But the OP seemed happy to be taken advantage of UNTIL she realised the DSC would benefit.

It’s like ‘it’s ok for me to be treated like shit, ok for my DC to have less, but the line was crossed when it’s to benefit the DSC.’.

Strange priorities to me.

@SprinkleofSpringShowers obviously explained it better than I did.

I, personally, would never put anyone in a position where children could potentially end up having less. EX DP on the other hand, would. And said it out loud. I left because he wasn’t thinking of us as a unit. He was only interested in how a move could benefit him and his DC.

@Goldie83 I agree you should have been pulling out, I’m not saying you should have gone ahead.

I just don’t understand how you were happy to go ahead knowing he would have more £ (you said he wouldn’t put more even though he earned double but you were going ahead), but the trigger for you pulling out was hearing him say his excess would go to his DSC.

I’m just surprised that the trigger wasn’t at you just about affording it while he had more cash.

I won’t labour the point any further as clearly I’m the only one who is wondering why the red flag was with where his £££ was going as opposed to the fact he had it.

Well obviously Goldie might have felt differently if he was saving for them both to have an early retirement…