Looking for other people's experiences with being a step parent.

[Lafoosa]

I recently started seeing a single dad, he's wonderful with his children which is great.
We've both got 3 kids, so 6 in total.
It's not at the stage yet where this topic has really come up, but it is something I'm obviously thinking about because if the relationship goes well and progresses then we'd both be step parents to each other's kids.

At the moment we've met the kids, but we don't touch each other in any way or give any indication anything other than friendship is going on while the kids are around. Just while we're in the early doors.

So my question is more, what is it like being a step parent? My kids are 2, 4, 6 and his are 3, 5, 7. So all very similar ages, and all very young still.

I had a stepmum as a child but she was really abusive so I don't have a positive experience of my own to draw from, but I know being able to love someone else's kids won't be a problem for me.
I've got a different stepmum now but she came into my life as an adult, so it's not the same dynamic at all and I'd say it feels more on par with having another auntie.

What are some positives and some difficulties you've experienced as a step parent? What are some things to keep in mind?

I know we aren't at this stage yet, but I like to go into things at least a little prepared and I think it's important to consider it now.

No she should aim to be in a together but separate relationship.
You don't have to blend families.
You both live your lives with your children. And meet each other when you can.
It's not easy.
But it's better for the children.
And they are most important.

But most people aren't saying that they are telling her to run and not get involved at all very different from advising to live separately etc which she said she isn't planning to move in with him. If people were just advising not to move in with him I wouldn't have commented I commented because people are telling her to end it with him as he has 3 kids... just like she does.

I think everyone here is so negative. This could be incredible! 6 children could have so so so much fun together think of the camping or seaside holidays you could do.

If you move in together you'll need a big house and to be really organized with study space etc for them as they're older. But if you and dp are on a similar page then you could have an incredible happy time with this big family. I would really love this- what magical Christmases you could have!

And they are young enough that they're not set in their ways so could adapt to a new normal more than eg 12-15 year olds would

@adviceneeded1990 that is so lovely from your dsd. My friends child has said similar- she in particular happy at Xmas being spoiled by four sets of grandparents!

I don’t know how anyone has the energy to even date with three small kids, let alone consider a possible future in which you take on another three. Bonkers.

Adding to the positivity, my friend has a parent who did this. When they met they had 5 kids between them ranging from 3 up to 19. All girls! My friend was the middle of the bunch. Worked out brilliantly, very happy blended family! Lots of kids and personalities doesn’t always end badly!

My partner has two children ages 6 and 10 and I have two ages 19 and 21 and I genuinely consider his children to be mine too.

We live together and when the kids are with us
I treat them the same as I would my own and I love them in the same way too.

I hate reading threads on here where the advice his his kids, he looks after them. We're a family and I would do anything to support every one in my family.

They're here tonight when he's on nights as his ex needed a favour and it doesn't bother me one bit. We've had a great time

My biggest advice is to be a united front in front of the kids at all times - my partner backs me up completely if I need to discipline them even though I'm probably stricter than him sometimes.

I would agree with a lot of pp. I love my dp, we are still together 13 years later, and the kids (2 each) are all grown up now. But if I had my time again, I would never do it again. It made our lives so hard, all of us. We should never have moved in together while the kids were young, and my relationships with my own children suffered as a result. It's a big regret.

My experience? One adult SC loves me,
One hates me. The one that hates me has been alienated against me and DH by her batshit mental grandmother (DH's mother). I'm invisible to half my in laws and despite nurturing and working really hard on a relationship with DH's daughter, the minute I expressed an opinion after 7 years of bending over backwards to accommodate everyone in this house except for my self I was cyberbullied by her publicly.

No children of my own so half the battle wasn't even there in the first place. If you want a lifetime of being treated like you're invisible in your own home then called a narcissist the minute you pop your head up then go for it OP.

This.

This is very naive. I am not a stepparent or child and come from a very large family of siblings I adore and would not have ever wished not born because I loved them, but it can be very very hard for the kids as they get older. It's not a question of "being organised with study space" but of teenage kids having to share, lack of privacy, and lack of attention from parents.

It's unlikely to be camping OR seaside holidays seaside holidays will probably be camping too as the cost of going away as a family of that size is unbelievable.

I wouldn't change my upbringing but if me and DH ever split would not put my kids in that situation.

To be honest just don't do it. It's not worth it.

And yep agree with PPs, I love my DC and wouldn't change them for the world but if I could have my time again, and get the same children (impossible I know), I'd never do it again.

They aren't even bad kids but I'd never encourage anyone now to get with a man with children.

The fact she has 3 children herself is possibly an even bigger reason for her to rule out men with children and especially many children.

Why?

I’m a step parent. I was young and naive in my 20’s when I met a man with a child. I didn’t realise how hard it would be. I didn’t have children of my own at the time so I had zero experience with parenting. SC is now an adult and the relationship is sometimes still strained.

blended families can work but a lot of hard work and sacrifice is needed. If you’ve both got children they might not all get on well, if you and your partner have different parenting styles/boundaries etc then this can cause friction.
I hope you find a solution that works for everyone

I think you are comparing imcomparable. This one little girl has several adults caring for her. The children in OP will be getting more children into the mix. and likely less attention from their own mother.

@katepilar I agree… that’s why I said “however…there are some factors in our life that make it easier” and listed the things that are different from the OP.

The original question asked for step parenting experiences.

"I know being able to love someone else's kids won't be a problem for me." I'd not be so sure about this. Skids aren't at all the same as loving your sisters kids or a friends kids. Totally different animal.

YOU play a different role to them than you do to your sisters kids or to a friends kids. That's not nothing.

Here's the thing with step kids vs. kids (including relatives kids) YOU have the love gene with bio kids and even family's kids. You do NOT have that built in default with skids. So there's not a lot of RETURN on step kids. It's a lot of give, do, sacrifice, acceptance, wash rinse repeat. That's one thing when it's your bio kid. Because you're getting something back. You don't get a lot back from step kids.

Also depends on how your OH PARENTS. Massively important. Also a huge factor is your BM. You state your OH has majority custody of the kids. Why? Something has to be quite wrong typically for that to happen. So what's up with the BM. She will 100% have an impact on how your skids relate to you.

Those are ALL very young kids. And young kids require a lot more giving and attention than older kids. Are you BOTH really ready to sign up for that?

Also consider that how his kids relate to you as a "friend" might change once they see you as someone who is replacing their mom. Or as someone who's taking their dad from them.

It's rarely an easy road paved with butterflies and unicorns.

I'll add onto my previous post, bc I can't believe I didn't include this because it's a big thing.

With your own kids and often with nieces and nephews , you have actual power. Authority. You don't always have that as a SM. Depends on your OH as well as your skids.

You tell your own kid to turn the tv off and do homework - the odds are good they will do it. IF they don't - well guess what YOU get to decide what happens next and execute on that decision as YOU see if. Not necessarily so as a SM. Even if you DO put in a consequence - what happens if your OH doesn't hold it, or disagrees with it? Hmmm.

Also with your own bio kids and or nieces or nephews, they also tend to like/love you. Again, not always true with skids. In fact very rarely true. They might actually HATE you. And might be actually TRYING to upset you or be rude to you.

So it's not so simple as "oh i love kids" Also he has 3. Let's say even just ONE of them is a miserable little shit. Trust me ONE is enough to derail the whole love fest.

Not my ndn, he is with a woman who already had three DC then they had one DC together 🤷‍♀️ the three older children are there one night then at their own Dad's the next or whatever routine the DC have. Often see them coming and going at night. I feel sorry for them as they should be in bed not going back and forth at stupid times of the evening. They are 11, 9 and 7. The youngest is 3.

Can't understand why anyone would do this. Why take on someone else's DC? Three of them?! Madness.

I get the impression that the three older DC are punted off to the Dad's house quite a lot so that they get their weekends to socialise as a small family unit (mum dad and 3yo). Like they are an inconvenience.

Exactly. I actually wonder why the NDN has got involved with a woman who already had 3DC to someone else. Why?! It seems utterly daft.

It makes you wonder who'd be thinking of dating when the youngest must have been a toddler in my NDNs situation 🤔

i wouldn’t attempt to blend again and I wouldn’t ever blend my children with another’s. Far better to maintain the sanctity of the home for your children IMO.

If you want to be together continue to live separately is my advise.

I know being able to love someone else's kids won't be a problem for me

Lol.

Every woman who went into a step situation did so with the very best intentions and believing that she would be able to love her partner's kids as her own and magically fix everything and make it all better.

Wake up and smell the coffee, Maria von Trapp.

Fast forward a couple of years when you've been guilt tripped into the role of nanny and housekeeper, while your partner and his ex both benefit from your free domestic labour and things won't look so rosy.

In your situation I'd definitely keep things absolutely separate.

I've been a step mum for 13 years. It's only in the last year or so that I haven't actively fucking hated every minute of it. And that's because DSC is now old enough that I don't have to have anything to do with their mum any more. Finally I can live my life for myself and what's best for my family, without having to accommodate her ridiculous schedule changes and nonsense.

But even now, I'm not sure I'd say it was worth it.