Looking for other people's experiences with being a step parent.

[Lafoosa]

I recently started seeing a single dad, he's wonderful with his children which is great.
We've both got 3 kids, so 6 in total.
It's not at the stage yet where this topic has really come up, but it is something I'm obviously thinking about because if the relationship goes well and progresses then we'd both be step parents to each other's kids.

At the moment we've met the kids, but we don't touch each other in any way or give any indication anything other than friendship is going on while the kids are around. Just while we're in the early doors.

So my question is more, what is it like being a step parent? My kids are 2, 4, 6 and his are 3, 5, 7. So all very similar ages, and all very young still.

I had a stepmum as a child but she was really abusive so I don't have a positive experience of my own to draw from, but I know being able to love someone else's kids won't be a problem for me.
I've got a different stepmum now but she came into my life as an adult, so it's not the same dynamic at all and I'd say it feels more on par with having another auntie.

What are some positives and some difficulties you've experienced as a step parent? What are some things to keep in mind?

I know we aren't at this stage yet, but I like to go into things at least a little prepared and I think it's important to consider it now.

Cool, go ahead 🙄

OP, you can have a great (better?) relationship without living together. Try that for at least a few years first

I have 2 children and my partner has 4, although one is at university. We have been seeing each other for almost 3 years but haven't moved in together yet, partly because we can't find a house big enough but also because we wanted to take it slow.

It is working and we love each other's children and are happy as a big family together. However, they are older than OPs children (youngest is 10) and we have very very similar parenting styles. The key to the success I think is that the children all like each other (sheer luck) and DP and I respect each other's autonomy and boundaries. We also prioritise spending time on our own, which is possible because our children are older. We also don't have exes who cause havoc, although his can be difficult.

I would advise taking it very slowly given how young your children are, but it could turn out to be an even greater source of joy for you.

I in no way in my post indicated I'm considering living with him yet, it's way way off that.
But obviously since we're dating it is really important to consider everything when there are so many kids involved.
If we end up not breaking up at any point, then obviously these are important things to think about and I want to make sure I'm prepared.
I asked for what others experience were, not to be told to dump him or be single forever, or get with a different man.
I'm with this man already, I'm not going to leave him because we've both got kids.

Yes we've met each other's kids, but as friends and we only act like just friends when the kids are there.

I've dated single men before and absolutely not me are understanding of the time constraints with dating when you're a single parent. I'm pretty young so any men in my age limit for dating likely aren't mature enough to take on 3 kids. I also don't really get why so many think someone who actually has experience with kids couldn't possibly take on more kids, but a childless person should?
It is entirely dependant on the person.

The whole point of this post was to get other people's experiences and for you to tell me what you do and don't like about it, what has and hasn't worked, things to consider. Not to be bashed that I am happy and open to being a stepmum.

If you think I'm naive about it, I literally made this post to fix that but not a single person has actually said why they feel the way they do about it which was the whole point.
If you think I'm not educated enough about it, educate me please. And stop bashing me, stop bashing each other because really what are you even achieving there apart from everyone being annoyed?

Take a breath, try again. Come back later if you're getting aggravated.

Never mind you you need to think how it will affect your children. I stayed single until my youngest was 10. (As in never introduced to anyone I dated)

I think it’s really weird that you’re not behaving like you’re in a relationship when you are. You are basically lying to all the kids from day one and I think that’s ridiculous . They will probably feel worse when you eventually say you’re in a relationships as all the pretending has led them into a false sense of what they think is true. They won’t. Trust either of you ( the older ones)

I do think your kids are really young, and whilst I do think dating is great and spending time together is great, I would only really want to do that without all the kids in tow.

you sound lovely, but loving kids etc isn’t enough to withstand some of the horrible things that Step mums have to deal with. We have a huge house with room for everyone, but that means we both work full time and the financial stress is massive. You’d need somewhere enormous , it doesn’t feel hugely practical and they are going to need a lot of emotional support. It also sounds like their other parents are a bit crap, but you can’t replace them, they are still their parent.

you just need to tread really carefully.

No one has bashed you. Most people have just given you advice based on their own experiences. You're very defensive.

I've given you the reasons why step-parenting works for me and the reasons is doesn't work for others. Predominantly not having a partner who has your back. Even if you do tick all the right boxes I still think you should approach with caution and be prepared for the unexpected. You never know what's around the corner.

Honestly it has blown my mind the things that have happened during our relationship and the shit we've had to deal with.

You have asked for honestly and people have given you that. I know it's not what you may have wanted to hear. Some people have obviously projected a bit because of their bad experiences but one quick glance through the step-parenting board on here will show you that many many stepmums struggle for various reasons. So many stepmums go into it feeling positive only to end up feeling miserable, taken for granted and let down. They're landed with all the kids while their partner works late, does his hobbies all weekend. All the cooking, cleaning etc falls onto them. If they have an issue with one of the kids and they dare speak up they get "you obviously just hate my kids".

The kids may get on now but will they always? You're potentially going to be living with 6 teenagers as some point. Do you have the funds to house them all so they're not arguing over bedrooms. So you and you partner aren't arguing over who's kid gets what room.

Will you be responsible for your own kids or will you each treat all 6 as your own including making decisions and disciplining? What if you disagree with what the house rules should be? Will his kids then follow different rules to yours? How will childcare be managed? Will your parents treat all 6 as their grandkids or will their bio grandkids be favoured potentially causing a divide? If one of you is working will the other take on childcare? What if the kids have hobbies that clash, who takes priority? Do you both have court orders? What is required to take the kids on holiday? How will you feel if his ex makes false allegations to social services that then affects your children? What of she badmouths you and the kids turn against you? Honestly it's a minefield and won't be helped by having 2 difficult exes.

Communication is key. Make sure you discuss the ins and outs before you make any big moves. Even write down what you have agreed on so you can draw on that if there's an issue. Speak up if things aren't working for you.

By all means continue the relationship but go into it with your eyes wide open and not with the expectation that it'll all be rosey in the garden because you love the kids.

Posters aren't being nasty. They've just probably been stung by having the same positive attitude that you currently have about the whole thing.

Don't do it, honestly it might seem like a bed of roses in your head but it really isn't.
You lose so much 1 on 1 time with your kids, then there's the fact that even if your parenting styles are slightly out, you will find you become the 'wicked stepmother' whilst Disney dad is the 'goody'.

Then you get no say on anything important with them because they aren't your kids. You can't buy your children anything without having to shell out for all the others because it's 'fair'. Really not worth it, your kids are only young once, so enjoy them without them having to share you with 4 other people. I love my step children, and care about the people they become, but if I could turn back the clock I would never have moved us all in together.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally
We have already both discussed our own responsibility to our children and how they absolutely come before any relationship.
We're only acting like we're not in a relationship at this stage because it's still fairly soon, but because we both essentially have full custody it doesn't leave much time for spending time together just as people, and we're going into this with obviously dating when the kids aren't there and doing the regular stuff, but outside of that making a solid friendship so if we decide to not date anymore we've still got a friend in each other, and the kids still remain friends. And building up the friendship together we both find very important.
I appreciate your honesty about thinking it'll do the kids more harm than good to act like we're not dating at the moment, I'll definitely keep that in mind and bring it into discussion with him later. We'd never just spring it on the kids either, I'd have a discussion about it and see how it makes them feel too. Because obviously their wellbeing is my priority, and likewise him for his children.

It's super hard to know exactly what to do when there's actually just so little free time, so we've tried to make it work in this way for at least this stage.

I have 3 DCs and met my XP of 10 years when his two and my 3 were similar ages to yours (a little older). Like you, I went into it optimistic and enthusiastic about blending - my DD was thrilled to have other girls to play with and after a couple of years she liked to refer to them as her ‘sisters’.

These ‘sisters’ would steal her stuff when they visited (found having “accidentally fallen into their bags” when their dad looked). He would suggest activities eg baking and painting etc and then once all 5 kids were elbow deep in mess he’d slope off for a nap leaving me to entertain them all and clean up.

Their mum would tell them they didn’t have to do what I said because “I’m not their mum”, they also didn’t wash or change clothes etc while they stayed with us, frequently bringing nits with them, which neither parent properly treated, so they were perpetual.

The youngest would purposely break things and when I asked her not to she’d shrug and say “eh, my dad says I can” and do it again.

He absolutely doted on them and just laughed when they were rude or unhelpful. He set a terrible example eg on holiday in a self catering house together I’d only agreed to go on the proviso that he pulled his weight and didn’t leave all the domestic crap to me. Then he wouldn’t bother clearing his own plate after dinner, which then meant they didn’t either.

When it was just my kids and us two it was generally lovely but his kids were lazy and rude and overindulged. They’d call him when he was here with me and just say “hi, can I have some money?” And he’d send them some. Even though he had them majority of the time he treated them like a Disney dad would. Couldn’t bear to be away from them for a night without numerous calls and messages. His kids would squeeze in between us and push me away, which he thought was adorable of course. One time he reached out to me for a reassuring pat and one of them licked him, literally territorial marking! It was exhausting. Honeslty would never date a man with young daughters again.

Conversely my most recent BF had one son (who has SEN and he’s lovely), I really loved watching them play and chat together and had no resentment, as he’s clearly a good dad, unlike the ex.

Oh and when we were talking about moving in he would say that of course his kids would be welcome whenever, even if he was away on business, and I’d have to work out how to get 5 kids to 4 different schools on time.

He called me The Childcatcher as he insisted I hated children because I wasn’t gooey over his youngest DD and didn’t cave when she fluttered her eyes at me.

I know it was all him, not them really, but it’s depressingly common for step-mums to be made to feel like a villain for either being too involved or not involved enough, you can’t win.

My advice would be not to do it...Never ever ever

I would happily "date" the person, eventually have some low-key "blending" IF any of the children seemed interested. I know that won't always be practical - but I just would not ever try & do it & would never share a home
But for some - it may be very successful!

Don’t do it. It’s a recipe for trouble. I’d never do it again, it’s just too difficult. And not fair on the children to be “blended”. And you’d need a mansion!

So, in summary, if you keep seeing him do not move in with him

ABSOLUTELY. Stepmonster is a wonderfully candid book.

I think as a mother, you need to go in to this thinking about what would be best for YOUR kids. 3 other children who are similar ages is well, a lot to deal with for young minds.
Can you afford for all children to have the same opportunities? Do you both earn similar?
It would benefit you from reading some of the posts on this board. It may be the case that you don't mind looking after 3 extra kids, but YOUR kids may be disadvantaged by that and you see it plenty on here, women who have no issues with putting their own children's needs at the bottom of the pile to show a man how welcoming and amazing they are with his children.
Good luck with it all though, just go into it eyes wide open.

I love every minute. I met my DH when my DSD (8) was 2, married him just before she turned 5. I love her like my own and we have a wonderful family life.

However…there are some factors in our life that make it easier:

• The relationship that produced my DSD ended amicably and they’d been broken up for 18 months before he and I met.
• They have 50/50 custody. No issues there at all.
• I get on great with her Mum, who also remarried when DSD was 6. DH gets on with her Mum’s new husband well too.
• Neither I nor my DSDs stepdad brought any other children to the equation and there have been no new children born into either relationship as of yet. So it was just adults who needed to “blend.”

It’s different for everyone. I’ll leave you with my DSDs thoughts…”it’s great because some of my friends only have one or two people and I have four.”

I can also add a positive note in addition to my earlier comment which is that my life has been hugely enriched by my step children. There is a part of me that always wanted a big family and now I get one without having to endure 6 pregnancies!

Run 🏃‍♂️ My advice, don’t do it.

Being a step parent is hard and likely to end in failure. Just look at this board for all the problems SM’s have.

You are expected to treat the SC as your own and the first born children should take priority.

Of course, as they aren’t your children you are not allowed to discipline them.

Dad will always see his kids through rose tinted spectacles. You’ll see all their flaws, but god help you if you point any of them out.

Throw into the mix a bitter EW who will do what she can to control and dictate and try to make live difficult.

Fortunately my SD (now 19) who was very unpleasant to me (for 7 years) visit any more so I don’t have to put up with her toxicity. My DSS isn’t really allowed to have any feeling or relationship with me (he’s now 16 and I’ve been in his life for 10 years) as it upsets his mum too much.

I applaud anyone who enjoys bring a SM. It’s tough and I wouldn’t do it again. It’s the most unrewarding job.

Couldn't agree with this more.

100% agree with this!

You're very defensive. You asked for opinions and you got them, they just arent what you wanted to hear.

Ive got one dsc whose mother could be a bit of a bitch - my dsc is 18 now so thankfully i don't have to see her or have anything to do with her anymore. That's 16 long years of dealing with someone who likes everything her own way and can threaten to cut contact anytime we did or said anything she didn't like. That was really, really hard at times. My dsc is lovely - it's everything else that comes with stepparenting that's the problem.

I didn't have any children when i met my dh, now have two. If me and Dh ever split up, i would not expect my children to blend with a boyfriends family. My priority is my own children - you have three that you solo parent, you are the only person they can rely on, so i don't think it would be fair for you to essentially take on another 3 children more or less full time - thereby halving the resources you have - time, money, space - in order to give to children that aren't yours.

6 children is A LOT as well. That's so many different relationships between different children and adults that you'll have to manage. If you don't have any time now, how would eventually moving three more kids in going to help your children to get more of your time and attention?

By all means date him. But moving in together would be an absolute disaster and would be more than likely a negative experience for your children, who should be your priority.

How much washing shopping cooking and cleaning do your children require? Now imagine how much more 3 extra kids brings. And imagine if your bf just expects you to do it. If you moan you are an evil step mum. If one of the step kids misbehaves and you tell them off you are the evil step mum. What if one of the step kids gets into something you don't want around your kids?

You asked for people's experience of being a step mum and many of us are telling you amd you are offended. Likely because you feel liking the kids and being a good person will be enough and that the step mums who moan about it don't like the kids or are not as good as you feel you are. We can see our own Naïveté in you

On a practical side- family holiday LD are a pain working around two contact schedules. Cost a fortune too. When you love together which kids share rooms? Do you divide them by sex or blood? After school activities- what happens when they clash who has to miss out?

Then there is how the kids turn out to navigate. I've seen lots of resentment in blended families when the different kids achieve very differently. Personally while my ex never said it it was fucking obvious he hated my dd was so much more intelligent than his kids- he was amazing and absolutely loved my SEND child who struggles with everything but his ego couldn't take that the kids he believes to be so very clever are not the cleverest in the house.

Will the grandparents treat all the kids equally? Even if you have a happy home and perfect family unit when one child gets gifts costing £10 and the other gets one costing £50 there are feelings. You have to navigate this without slagging of the grandparent.

Can you afford to support your children through university? Can he? If one can and one can't does the other fund all 6? What if they can only fund 3 is it fair to only fund biological children?

Money is a massive issue particularly inheritance. Will you inherit from you parents? Will he? Do either of you have money now? Would you trust him to not cut your kids out if you died first? Do you keep family wealth in the correct families and let resentment build between the children?

You don't need us to tell you the good. The companionship for you. Sex. Possibly financial support. Etc. You know your partner and their good bits are personal to you. Just take note of how little positives others have listed in answer to your question.

I will give you one positive though. I was able to go out see friends in the evenings without getting a babysitter. When a child was sick and I'm stuck home he could go for calpol (although now I'm single I've discovered deliveroo is a god send on this sort of thing!!). But ultimately the only good from my experience was financial and free babysitting. Easier access to sex was a positive for me. But when I think of the positives for my children? Just financial amd that's only because he earned 10x what I do most people don't earn so vastly different

Even a family car would be a nightmare. Or a holiday. Never mind a house and real life

Book babysitters and leave the kids out of your dating