How do you split the costs?

[Woodstocks]

Hello all,

My partner has two sons from a previous marriage, they are primary school aged. We moved in together and bought a house and now split the mortgage, bills and food costs 50:50. The kids are here every other weekend and half the holidays.

I am getting to the point where I feel it isn’t fair to split everything down the middle - the mortgage (even though the extra room is needed for HIS kids) would at least build equity for me overtime but the food money is just gone and with them growing and the horror stories of “teen boys eating” and being here for a whole week during holidays, plus the other weekends etc I feel like I would be significantly out of pocket over the years to come.

I keep thinking “ah it’s only a bit of extra this and extra that” in terms of hygiene items, toothpaste, shower gel, shampoo, extra washing tablets, extra dishwasher runs etc. but then again- these things aren’t free and that’s what their mum gets maintenance for- to cover the extra living costs that are clearly involved.

What would be a fair reflection of the extra cost of them
being here?

What’s the split in earnings?

I earn more than him. But I still don’t want to subsidise his kids indefinitely.

How much more do you earn? Can you comfortably afford to save? Do you intend on getting married? All these things would alter my view slightly.

I def don't think 50/50 is fair when his kids are there for the week.
I also don't think you should be expected to take on that cost just because you earn more. It's not fair.
Does he pay any child support?

I would expect him to pay more for food etc when the kids are there.
Have you broached it with him at all or is he just keeping his head down and hoping you won't notice?

Are you planning on having children of your own?

Day to day costs such as food/ house running costs/ petrol we just split as ultimately it’s 2 days a week and as we earn similar I just let it go.
clothes/ pocket money/ Xbox subscription / bus pass he pays from his account.

I think he should pay more on the weeks they are there but I question if your relationship has the legs to survive.

If you are already resenting the toothpaste, washing tablets and th fact that mum gets maintenance - then you are in deep trouble. Do you think Mum should pay the maintenance back for the weeks they are with their father.
3 weeks and on the weekends. Are you going to get an electricity monitor and note how much more electricity and gas they use on the days they are there and mke him pay the excess?

They are primary aged and you have a long way to go.

I’d keep it 50/50 but he should food shop from his own account when they are there for the holidays and buy all those additional items for them.

i would agree that I’d get on top of this now as otherwise you’ll find yourself paying for his teenagers when they eat like adults. I don’t mind about the house as like you say equity builds etc but DH pays more towards food for DSC.

My partner and I alternate who pays for the shopping.
I pay the week my DC are here and he pays the week it's just our shared child.
Could you do some similar.

No, they’re not for you to subsidise.

Surely, if you have a mortgage etc together then it's a serious relationship and they're part of your family.

I think it's a bit pathetic.

There is an essential issue with this. And there is no right answer.

If you pool your money you are subsidising his children.

If you contribute according to what you earn you are subsidising his children.

If you put in for 1/4 of the house, 1/4 of the food etc. you are not paying for the equity you will earn and he will be utterly brassic. Living with someone you love eating lobster while they eat bread and water is dreadful. And not a healthy relationship.

If you pay for half the house and 1/4 of the food, he will still be brassic. See above.

If you are somewhere in between you are still either subsidising or he's brassic. No win.

You have to choose your poison.

Why wasn't this discussed before you moved in together? I personally think you are being extremely petty

I think reasonable to split mortgage utilities etc 50 50.
Food bills are for me the one to discuss. Anyone who says you are petty does not have teenage boys. Mine eat more than a standard adult amount most days (sporty, over 6ft).
I thought the PP suggestion of he pays food shopping the weeks you have the kids and you pay the other week is a good one. But the food is the one to focus on

I couldn't get past the fact that he was okay with me subsidising him.

I think you should measure out the toothpaste, shampoo, and count every washing tab used for washing their clothes and bedding and send him the bilol. You could also weigh the cereal at the beginning of the weekend and charge him for every flake used.

Sorry I wasn’t clear regarding the maintenance. Yes he pays full maintenance and also does all of the collecting and dropping off as Mum refuses. I just meant that She receives maintenance because Kids cost a lot to maintain- which the payment is for. For exactly the uplift in household items and food etc. so clearly there will also be this elevated cost when they are at our house so I think it would be fair to reflect this.

I agree that the food is the main thing. The extra hygiene things really aren’t worth splitting hairs over - funnily here
boys are cheaper I guess as less toilet paper involved?!

But yes if I have two extra people eating like adults for ten days in a month (weeks holiday and a regular weekend) which could cost a tenner just in food then that will cost the best part of £100 just for that and my share would be £50 month in month out which I think is a lot.

I don't think OP is petty. For example, my two teenage sons eat things such as:

• a ready meal for 2, each, for dinner
• a large 750g box of cornflakes in 3 days
• a tray of 8 chicken thighs for dinner between them plus veg
• 6 bagels over the course of 24 hrs

So the food bill is not "a bit" more. It's hugely expensively more. It's about 3000 plus calories a day compared to an average adult male of 2000. If you have two teen boys in the house then that's over 2 adults extra.

If her DP had 2 friends staying for that amount of time, we'd all be clamouring for her to get him to foot the bill!

I think that it’s fairer if your partner pays for the weekend/school holiday food shop especially if his sons eat lots of snacks etc that you wouldn’t buy if it was just you and him. This is going to increase even more as they get older so yanbu yo be resentful for paying half.

I assume that they are happy with cheap brands or shower gel etc now but if they get older and want premium stuff or are wasteful in terms of quantity then that should be paid for by dad when he does his weekend shop for them.

Yes it is definitely the food that worries me. Especially because my partner always says how he used to demolish a food shop as soon as his mum brought it home so I know he will be indulgent towards this, plus coupled with Dad Guilt and wanting to treat them and ensuring they have a great time and not pull the “I don’t want to come anymore” card….

It still affects me as part of the household already, like a poster up thread said- less money that he has to spend on activities for us and building for the future etc so it is difficult .

But you were the one who has already gotten down to toothpaste, dishwashing and the fact you have a house with room for his DCs ( which you will been fit from and pay towards in equity - equally to him)

Yes to more on food but the rest seems so nit picky and resentful.

Mum get maintenance - you need to stop thinking after that. The rest is irrelevant.

I think you have a problem in your relationship

You've chosen to live with a man who has kids. When you take on someone with kids, you take on the kids as well. You also earn more than he does. Of course you should be paying 50/50. They're not even there 50% of the time. If you don't want to do that, you shouldn't have moved in with him.

Tell them to bring own food and toiletries 🙄
If this is even real.

I am really lost as to why the OP would be paying 50/50 for kids that aren’t hers?!?? They have two parents??

typical MN ‘you knew he had kids’ bullshit.

The pettiest and most resentful one to date. Have you children of your own ?