How do you split the costs?

[Woodstocks]

Hello all,

My partner has two sons from a previous marriage, they are primary school aged. We moved in together and bought a house and now split the mortgage, bills and food costs 50:50. The kids are here every other weekend and half the holidays.

I am getting to the point where I feel it isn’t fair to split everything down the middle - the mortgage (even though the extra room is needed for HIS kids) would at least build equity for me overtime but the food money is just gone and with them growing and the horror stories of “teen boys eating” and being here for a whole week during holidays, plus the other weekends etc I feel like I would be significantly out of pocket over the years to come.

I keep thinking “ah it’s only a bit of extra this and extra that” in terms of hygiene items, toothpaste, shower gel, shampoo, extra washing tablets, extra dishwasher runs etc. but then again- these things aren’t free and that’s what their mum gets maintenance for- to cover the extra living costs that are clearly involved.

What would be a fair reflection of the extra cost of them
being here?

It’s all personal choice really I guess, no need to get offended. I’ve had it as both a single mum and, latterly a step-mum, since DH and I got together. I truly understand the struggles. We chose (chose being the operative word) to spend an extra £60k to buy a 4 bed house so DSS could have his own room at ours for when he stays. That may not work for others but it works for us 🤷‍♀️

😂Are you going for the full bingo card?

That's a good point @KeyboardWhinger and @Woodstocks about firstly we divorced parents also did this, and also about it not being clear cut because of circumstances outside of your control.

I guess we are all a product of our own experiences. It's super easy for me to know I won't do it, because I have dc, one of them difficult and I'm a teacher of 30 years, so I am absolutely certain I dont want to do it. I guess if you haven't been exposed to it as relentlessly as I have, it would be harder to realise.

I was definitely naive. I enjoyed being an aunty and that was my experience of parenting and children. I thought it would be like having another niece or nephew. It started like that but definitely didn’t turn out like that. For one my sister in laws and brother in laws valued my relationship with my nieces and nephews and were grateful when I looked after them. Ex wife liked me for childcare but simultaneously saw me as a threat so the dynamic was different. I was 24 then. I’m older and wiser now.

That's interesting @KeyboardWhinger . I can see how it would seem sensible to think it would be like that. Whereas the reality is, it is actually harder than parenting, as you don't have the unconditional love to help you through.

And you are also lacking control and autonomy. When you can go on dates with your partner, what invitations from friends you can make or not due to kids being there, having to holiday at expensive term times, values you hold that the ex doesn’t (taking kids out of school, how much of adult stuff do they share etc) is all out of your control so you get all the negatives of parenthood but nothing of the good bits.

@Woodstocks why on earth would you not do stuff with friends just because the kids are there?

Because it is unsuitable for kids. Such as a theatre or concert. There was an amazing Chinese ballet touring the UK and the tickets were super expensive but I would have liked to go but with kids staying it just wasn’t possible. Same with friends who are childless and inviting to a birthday drinks party. You’d just have to hire a babysitter which is extra cost yet again and then you get an ear bashing from the ex that DH doesn’t wan to spend time with his kids when th et are there and fobs them off etc etc or just ruins the experience

@Woodstocks what I meant was arrange stuff with your friends when the kids are there. You don't have to spend every second with them.

Well like I explained- it’s just another cost of getting a babysitter which puts things out of reach and then the ex goes mental on the other side and puts poison in the kids ears that their dad clearly doesn’t care about them and doesn’t want them there

@Woodstocks sorry if I'm not being clear. YOU go out with friends and he looks after his own kids! You're allowed a life away from them.

Sorry I get you now! Yes of course that would be possible but also quite boring if you have a partner! I do regularly meet friends when they are here but of course it would be nicer to go to these special events with your partner so it’s just another negative point of step parenthood.

So are all the bills 50:50 - ie all household bills and including his maintenance costs for the children.

OR

are you splitting the household bills 50:50 and then on his own he is paying child maintenance? Because if its this way it isnt 50/50, which is totally fine but you need to see he has additional expenditure that he pays monthly and you earn more so when it comes to disposable income he is left with less than you a month.

I think there are so many ways to split it, view it, reason with it. It has to be what works for you. For me it would be able what is left over - do you each have enough to live on as its grossly unfair in a relationship for one of you to be left with loads and the other not much trying to then enjoy time together and days out becomes tricky.

In my personal situation I paid 100% of all my bills in my home in my name whilst his children stayed and ate everything, used every last drop of any expensive shampoo or conditioner etc lol. He continued to pay 100% of what he paid when he lived in the family home. I was out of pocket for years BUT he is the love of my life and I put his children as the priority, I followed his lead. Totally get this doesnt work for everyone but just wanting to demonstrate that we are all different and not one single answer is correct

This is a really tough one but I live by the rule that we pay for our own parenting choices.

DP cannot stand up to his kids around food so he pays for that. He indulges his kids with expensive food I would not usually buy and generally allows them to choose (nag for) restaurants and pricey takeaways without consulting me.

I do not live with DP. Previously I would get his kids’ favourite foods in for their visits but the branded specific stuff they like is expensive. I would spend £200-300 some weekends. So now I will get them a few treats as I would for any house guest but I ask DP to stop at the supermarket for special foods on the way to mine. Whatever he would feed them at home.

I see DP’s permissiveness around food as his indulgence. He panders to fussy demands for an easy life. I’ve invested the time and energy in raising an un-fussy child. I wouldn’t expect DP to pay half for my pedicures or yoga classes. So I don’t pay for his indulgences.

If we did live together I would tell DP my usual monthly food spend and direct debit that to him for my child and me. He would order the groceries and pay for the rest. I spend around £200 usually and he prob spends £800 at least for the three of them, and it would stay that way but not on my dime.

My DP’s kids love expensive food chains like Wagamama that I don’t enjoy eating at. If I am dictated to that we are going to x place because his children chose it then when the bill comes I passively just do not get my card out. Alternatively if I have been given a choice then I will pay half.

This. And I would disrespect my partner for allowing me to have a financial penalty because of his circumstances. Would he be so understanding if you cut your hours?

You need to feather your own nest which means not subsidising your SDCs grocery bill. Your DP knows how much this all costs and he is happy for you to subsidise him.

I'm a single parent and well aware of how much teens eat. But I paid for it, I didn't expect it to be subsidised.

Oh rubbish. No she isn't. Why should the OP have to subsidise their days out.

This did make me giggle. It’s not the kids asking for money for an activity - it’s the ex wanting money to take the kids to an activity! They split weekends fifty fifty so the expensive free time when kids need to be entertained is split evenly so he has his own weekends to pay for!

I didn’t say maintenance doesn’t cover much- on the contrary. With his maintenance and the child benefit she gets, it’s possible to completely feed, clothe, pay for hobbies for the kids and school trips to boot. We aren’t funding her to take them to the aqua park on top!

I was fascinated by this post and the extreme views it’s highlighted. Clearly a touchy subject!

i feel the OPs pain here… My 18 yo DSC eats like a king. He wants streak, scallops, sushi etc for dinner. Will eat an entire pot of Nutella in two days. Needs half a bottle of shampoo to wash his hair and goodness only knows what he does with the loo paper (and I try not to wonder) but we get through a roll a day when he’s here. I don’t actually begrudge any of this in isolation, but the net effect on the bills is really quite significant.

i ask him to be mindful. I remind him that certain things are supposed to be treats and luxuries, but any financial concerns I raise with my partner not my step son.

im the bigger earner and DP pays 25% of our living costs. And that’s ok. I want a certain living standard. And I want to live with him. And his son is part of that package. But I do insist that (most) of the luxury meals for his DS aren’t paid for by me!! That doesn’t stop me ensuring that (and funding) my step sons needs are met, days out arranged, and even extra presents bought when he’s having a not too teenagery day 😜

If the OP never agreed to pay for her partners children, then she shouldn’t have to. It doesn’t mean she isn’t engaged in this new life, nor their collective life.

OP, as suggested many times, I’d ask DP to do an extra shop per month or similar. If you fall down the slippery slope of resentment, that could jeopardise everyone’s happiness.

What do teens do with the shampoo?! I wonder if they just pour it down the sink!

Lol that will forever remain a mystery.. Top tip, buy bottom of the range shampoo to leave in the shower, and hide the good stuff ;-)

Cost of living crisis - food is hella expensive now you shouldn't have to subsidise it. Your eh will probably be pissed off but if the shoes were on the other foot he'd not be doing what you are doing would he?

🤣 I remember my mum doing the same and teen me thinking she was so unreasonable!