How do you split the costs?

[Woodstocks]

Hello all,

My partner has two sons from a previous marriage, they are primary school aged. We moved in together and bought a house and now split the mortgage, bills and food costs 50:50. The kids are here every other weekend and half the holidays.

I am getting to the point where I feel it isn’t fair to split everything down the middle - the mortgage (even though the extra room is needed for HIS kids) would at least build equity for me overtime but the food money is just gone and with them growing and the horror stories of “teen boys eating” and being here for a whole week during holidays, plus the other weekends etc I feel like I would be significantly out of pocket over the years to come.

I keep thinking “ah it’s only a bit of extra this and extra that” in terms of hygiene items, toothpaste, shower gel, shampoo, extra washing tablets, extra dishwasher runs etc. but then again- these things aren’t free and that’s what their mum gets maintenance for- to cover the extra living costs that are clearly involved.

What would be a fair reflection of the extra cost of them
being here?

I think that you should pay half the mortgage and half the household bills because they would be the same whether the children were there or not.

Your DP should be paying all his DC's expenses when they are staying. Food wise I think you should go 50/50 on breakfast, lunch and dinner where you all eat the same but your DP should pay for any additional food/snacks/treats that they require plus all their toiletries.

It isn't her problem really @Astariel, it's more a response to her quite strange stance that her dp should in her mind pay the absolute bare minimum for his children.

Not pathetic when the Mother is asking for greater contribution towards these expenses is it?

Pot, kettle.

He has them every other weekend. Friday to Sunday so that is 3 days and not 1 . I know it’s not a lot but you are exaggerating

I think I miss quoted you earlier by mistake. Agree that of course he COULD pay for her if he wanted . He just doesn’t want to seeing that she wanted to take the kids away, has now moved several hours away and is generally insulting and high conflict. So he is doing lots of activities with them when they are here but I think hell would freeze over before he would pay for her to do something!

I think the issue around what maintenance is for, whilst not actually the point if this thread is crucially important. The closest the CMS get to a definition is "contribution to essentials" but any decent parent should provide more than that if they possibly can...hobbies for instance, some social activities, music lessons maybe. If, as in this case, the kids are with one parent 26/30 days, realistically ALL of that falls on the RP if maintenance only needs to a contribution to essentials, and not even a 50% contribution. Are we really saying that's ok?

I think that's quite a strange stance from your dp op.
I really love my dc, just want them to be happy. All the time. I don't mind which is the grown up facilitating that happiness, because that is secondary. I certainly wouldn't restrict it to them just being happy with me, out of spite for their other parent.

Why don’t you start a thread surrounding this yourself?

@KeyboardWhinger oh it's been done to death on various boards..I just get frustrated when anyone tries to suggest that paying the mandated CMS is job done and perfectly adequate.

What a petty complaint. Either embrace having step kids or just don’t bother. You knew he had kids. You didn’t need to have a relationship with a man who had children. Either be part of that team or don’t.

OP hasn’t suggested that.

The additional cost of two teenage boys in the coming years is going to be large, and will only get larger if they then do things like go on to university where the amount of loan they get it based on their household income not their parents income. Meaning that if you earn a lot then they'll get less loan as a result of the government expecting you to subsidise them, and this is as fully grown adults.

You are right to be considering these costs now.

I think to make this kind of commitment I'd need a ring on my finger and also to be clear in my relationship as to whether we wanted kids ourselves as well. If you intend to marry and have children with this man then that is going to mean that you will be paying a lot of costs for his existing children. I can't see it working out any other way.

But if you are putting in a big financial commitment (it's not just going to be the odd bit of toothpaste) then I would want a greater commitment from my partner and also to be clear on what kind of family I wanted in the future (do you want more children).

@KeyboardWhinger not in so many words but she refers to "full maintenance" in her OP and then commented on the difference between contributing to essentials and indulging in luxuries. I was trying to make the point that expecting an RP to foot the bill for all and every "luxury" such as a hobby is an unfair set up. But I don't want to derail further.

As a single parent I'm a bit disgusted to read your post OP. How long have you been in a relationship? It's clear that you have made a HUGE mistake by buying a house and moving in together. How long did you wait before living with your partner?

School finishes at 3.15pm I suspect its their mother who picks the kids up. Who does the school run on a Monday AM? EOW is the minium contact a father can get he doesn't even do a mid night week stay once a week.

How much CMS does he pay? Again CMS is the legal minium amount the dad pays as the NRP. It is not your place to involve yourself of what the mother spends nor asks for! No sympathy from me tbh!

Is it really costing you that much food EOW? Where do you shop?

My DH and I moved in together and I had two children from a previous marriage, we then also had a child together. Our finances have always been entirely shared. My ex did give me some maintenance but we never thought of them as ‘my ‘ expense. I find this aspect of MN weird , the separation in money and parenting. I wouldn’t have been happy with that.

I think its a little too late. Before OP casts judgement though she ought to be very careful she doesn't end up in similar situation herself. By a man that does EOW! Which happens to be her current partner.

This with bells 🔔 on.

Do you see a long term future with this man?

If so, it really doesn't make any difference in the long term. Him putting £20 more into the weekly groceries pot means you still have the same amount overall as a couple, just distributed slightly differently. Is that what you want? Why?

That's a good idea

I think your 1st paragraph maybe OPs issue! Excellent points made.

Also the extra toothpaste etc I suppose will last a long time as they use it less

You married him and took on his kids as part of this no point moaning now.

Totally fair enough and I felt similar when my partner and daughter moved in. It’s not about the little bits here and there it’s about making it feel fair to start.

my situation is different as I own the house so pay the mortgage. They don’t pay rent but bills are split and they pay for holidays. As they are starting a new and better paid job I have already started the conversation about splitting it slightly differently with a “generic” child representative cost (one might say similar to maintenance as the child is their responsibility, and this could flex as they age or spend different amounts of time) and other bills going per income. We are both well paid but £50 a month adds up. It’s not about counting every thing but a fair split.

I totally understand. But you also want to function as a unit. Every set up has these kind of money challenges. Just the step one is more complex.

Because the OP has chosen to live with a man who has kids. They come as a package. She is now their stepmother, because she's chosen to move in with their father

According to who?

As he should be, but that doesn't mean you pay half of the CMS costs.