“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

Yes. 100%.

But just wait for everyone to pile on you and say how you knew he had kids and you are a selfish evil bitch and they were here first and are more important and blah blah blah.

Because that’s how these threads always go.

I hear you though x

[Illpickthatup]

I have never felt like this because my DH has always treated me as an equal parent to him. He discusses parenting with me, takes my opinions on board and trusts me to parent the kids as I see fit. If I ever disciplined one of them he'd never undermine me and would trust that I made the right call. He also makes it clear to the kids that we are a team "illpickthatup and I have been talking and have decided that.....". He also parents his kids properly. There are boundaries, rules and expectations and the kids are pulled up if they're not doing what is expected of them.

Unless your OH is willing to actually start being a parent, listen to your points of view and not just be a Disney dad, I'm afraid you situation will never get better. If he's not allowing you in then step right back. Make your own plans on the weekends the kids are there and leave him to it. He'll probably complain that you're not being part of the family which is a bit of a cheek when he's never made you feel like you are anyway. Put yourself first because nobody else will.

[StrawberryTwister]

Can I ask why do people date someone with kids if they feel this way? Which I totally understand btw which is why I would never date a man with kids. I know people will say you don't know what you're getting into but come on that's not true I know I wouldn't date a man with kids as I don't want to be a step parent ever.

[HebburnPokemon]

To be honest, I don’t want to parent the stepkids - they’re exhausting. It’s a small mercy not having to cater to their demands.

If a friend of mine came to my house and took, took, took I would not necessary want to have that friend over again.

The added effort of parenting them would probably tip me into divorce.

I accept they’re just being kids and kids are egotistical. My resentment is my problem. I hate that I feel this way.

[marshmallowfinder]

I really understand how awful this must feel, OP. 🙁 As they mature, hopefully things will get much, much easier.

[HebburnPokemon]

@StrawberryTwister

Can I ask why do people date someone with kids if they feel this way? Which I totally understand btw which is why I would never date a man with kids. I know people will say you don't know what you're getting into but come on that's not true I know I wouldn't date a man with kids as I don't want to be a step parent ever.

One on the bingo sheet already!

Okay, I’ll bite.

I have bio kids of my own (previous relationship). They are very, very mild mannered. They are introverts and extremely undemanding. That was my experience of parenting before I entered this. I thought “I have kids so how could I ever expect my partner not to have kids!”

[EG94]

Yes I 1000% feel you. I’d always say I have no say in things that DIRECTLY affect me! Things were bad for a long time. My partner was and likely still is a Disney dad. I dreaded them coming and I dreaded the 4 days arguements that would follow if I dared have an opinion of his kids.

it came to a head when he referred to my dogs as “cunty dogs” and I just said this is it. I’m not going to tolerate this. You don’t dare say a word about my dogs when your kids do as they please. I have had it. I told him he is failing his children and I am totally ready to walk. I told him he always tell me his kids are so important but his kids need to understand I am important too and I will be respected in my own home. If this isn’t a message you are willing to send pack your shit and your kids shit and get out.

he has stepped up to parent them and teach them. It’s still early days but I have also refused to pay for his kids. This was in a row when he told me he didn’t want to pay house insurance as he didn’t choose to have a house. I laughed and said ok, I didn’t choose to have your kids so I will not be paying another penny.

I am so much happier, we are arguing less, environment is better for the kids.

i do however resent I am still doing more but I think it’s because I’m a woman and generally like to mother so I’ll make sure they’re fed watered etc.

it’s fucking hard. I never thought it would be this difficult but my inbox is always open xx

[WhereIsBebèsChambre]

How old are yours/his kids?
Are things equitable when the dsc come to live with their dad?
I know you don't want to hear the standard replies re blended families, but do they see the family home as their family home or as visitors?

[HebburnPokemon]

@EG94 dread is indeed the word. I start feeling anxious the day before they arrive, then the rumination starts on the day they are due to arrive. The rumination and resentment continue until they’re gone. Once they’re gone I often get argumentative as all the bile I’ve been holding back finally floods out. We have them 50/50 so a lot of my days are spent sad. I hate that I feel this way.

Im proud of you for putting your boundaries down.

[HebburnPokemon]

@WhereIsBebèsChambre

How old are yours/his kids?
Are things equitable when the dsc come to live with their dad?
I know you don't want to hear the standard replies re blended families, but do they see the family home as their family home or as visitors?

Our kids are close in age. They range from 11-13. The two groups don’t fight so thank goodness for that! Things are equitable between them. But my kids are undemanding - that’s the key difference.

The stepkids call their other home their “home” despite the 50/50 because that home was their original family home and that’s where their school and friends are.

[EG94]

@HebburnPokemon

@EG94 dread is indeed the word. I start feeling anxious the day before they arrive, then the rumination starts on the day they are due to arrive. The rumination and resentment continue until they’re gone. Once they’re gone I often get argumentative as all the bile I’ve been holding back finally floods out. We have them 50/50 so a lot of my days are spent sad. I hate that I feel this way.

Im proud of you for putting your boundaries down.

@HebburnPokemon yes this! My mood just nose dives. I was apprehensive of all the shit that would come and how their dad would do nothing and I’d be raging. I’d dread feeling like a guest in my own home the 2 days. They just change the wholes routine and dynamic and I don’t always have the energy to accommodate it - shoot me now!

I get up early ish, 8, I go downstairs I cuddle up with my dogs for an hour watching TV then my other gets up and the day starts. His kid is usually down when I get up. Now I’m about to start a war on this because he has been told not to go down before us. Reason is my dogs can turn on each other (perfectly controllable) but I don’t want him on his own with them. His dad said I am unreasonable he can’t go downstairs because of the dogs. I simply said my dogs live here, the kids are guests. If you want you kid to go down whenever he wants he has to wake you and you have to accompany him. After a few weeks of said kid waking him at 6.30 (9 btw) he said he had to stay in his room and amuse himself. Funny how when it affects my other half he can find an alternative solution.

[HebburnPokemon]

I’d dread feeling like a guest in my own home the 2 days. They just change the wholes routine and dynamic and I don’t always have the energy to accommodate it - shoot me now!

Perfect description. The whole vibe is eggshelly. I find myself eavesdropping all conversations just to prepare myself for any drama. Does anyone else do this?

[EG94]

@HebburnPokemon

I’d dread feeling like a guest in my own home the 2 days. They just change the wholes routine and dynamic and I don’t always have the energy to accommodate it - shoot me now!

Perfect description. The whole vibe is eggshelly. I find myself eavesdropping all conversations just to prepare myself for any drama. Does anyone else do this?

Yea because often he used to go against what we had agreed prior to the takeover! And I’d just feel angry and undermined.

I don’t know about you but I was always told I am unreasonable in anything I said or did. Any time I said this behaviour isn’t ok I was told I am cold and heartless and I hated his kids. I told hun to his face, I don’t hate your kids, I hate your parenting.

I asked for them to go to bed at 9pm they’re only young so we have an hour before bed. I was unreasonable. Honestly it just became a joke and I knew if he didn’t change I would have to go because the anger resentment, unworthy unappreciated feelings that I had 5 days out of 7 was breaking me

[Illpickthatup]

@StrawberryTwister

Can I ask why do people date someone with kids if they feel this way? Which I totally understand btw which is why I would never date a man with kids. I know people will say you don't know what you're getting into but come on that's not true I know I wouldn't date a man with kids as I don't want to be a step parent ever.

Because you expect that their parent will actually parent and not let them run riot with no consequences.

[HebburnPokemon]

I don’t know about you but I was always told I am unreasonable in anything I said or did. Any time I said this behaviour isn’t ok I was told I am cold and heartless and I hated his kids. I told hun to his face, I don’t hate your kids, I hate your parenting.

This is such a trope. I could have written it word for word. This is precisely why I feel like a NPC - my thoughts/concerns are never welcome. It’s hard when your spouse treats you like that.

[Illpickthatup]

@HebburnPokemon

To be honest, I don’t want to parent the stepkids - they’re exhausting. It’s a small mercy not having to cater to their demands.

If a friend of mine came to my house and took, took, took I would not necessary want to have that friend over again.

The added effort of parenting them would probably tip me into divorce.

I accept they’re just being kids and kids are egotistical. My resentment is my problem. I hate that I feel this way.

Absolutely your choice not to parent them but that doesn't mean their dad shouldn't either. I'd just try to avoid them when they're there and make it clear to your OH that either the kids clean up after themselves or he does. I wouldn't even bother mentioning bad behaviour just leave the room or the house and let him deal with it. Go meet a friend, read a book in your room, go the gym.

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

@StrawberryTwister

Can I ask why do people date someone with kids if they feel this way? Which I totally understand btw which is why I would never date a man with kids. I know people will say you don't know what you're getting into but come on that's not true I know I wouldn't date a man with kids as I don't want to be a step parent ever.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Illpickthatup]

@EG94

Yes I 1000% feel you. I’d always say I have no say in things that DIRECTLY affect me! Things were bad for a long time. My partner was and likely still is a Disney dad. I dreaded them coming and I dreaded the 4 days arguements that would follow if I dared have an opinion of his kids.

it came to a head when he referred to my dogs as “cunty dogs” and I just said this is it. I’m not going to tolerate this. You don’t dare say a word about my dogs when your kids do as they please. I have had it. I told him he is failing his children and I am totally ready to walk. I told him he always tell me his kids are so important but his kids need to understand I am important too and I will be respected in my own home. If this isn’t a message you are willing to send pack your shit and your kids shit and get out.

he has stepped up to parent them and teach them. It’s still early days but I have also refused to pay for his kids. This was in a row when he told me he didn’t want to pay house insurance as he didn’t choose to have a house. I laughed and said ok, I didn’t choose to have your kids so I will not be paying another penny.

I am so much happier, we are arguing less, environment is better for the kids.

i do however resent I am still doing more but I think it’s because I’m a woman and generally like to mother so I’ll make sure they’re fed watered etc.

it’s fucking hard. I never thought it would be this difficult but my inbox is always open xx

I'm sorry what? Did he want to live in a tent or something?

[EG94]

@HebburnPokemon

I don’t know about you but I was always told I am unreasonable in anything I said or did. Any time I said this behaviour isn’t ok I was told I am cold and heartless and I hated his kids. I told hun to his face, I don’t hate your kids, I hate your parenting.

This is such a trope. I could have written it word for word. This is precisely why I feel like a NPC - my thoughts/concerns are never welcome. It’s hard when your spouse treats you like that.

100% it is but when he came for my dogs like that I just thought If I called your kids cunts you’d do your nut. I can’t any longer be expected to have thoughts and feelings about situations I am in and swallow them. The house is fully mine too so I guess I have some security in saying fuck this. We don’t legally have shared ties.

i can accept small changes and inconveniences because he has kids but turning my life on it ahead for them
no. All this oh kids come first I don’t agree. The right thing should come first. And just because they didn’t choose for their parents to split doesn’t mean the step parent has to be miserable.

I told my partner it seems your kids have to be happy at the expense of my unhappiness. What I am asking for is not unreasonable. It doesn’t have to be a choice of me or them but it has to be a balance.

[HebburnPokemon]

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Indeed.

@StrawberryTwister was my response reasonable enough?

[Illpickthatup]

@EG94

Yea because often he used to go against what we had agreed prior to the takeover! And I’d just feel angry and undermined.

I don’t know about you but I was always told I am unreasonable in anything I said or did. Any time I said this behaviour isn’t ok I was told I am cold and heartless and I hated his kids. I told hun to his face, I don’t hate your kids, I hate your parenting.

I asked for them to go to bed at 9pm they’re only young so we have an hour before bed. I was unreasonable. Honestly it just became a joke and I knew if he didn’t change I would have to go because the anger resentment, unworthy unappreciated feelings that I had 5 days out of 7 was breaking me

I love that line "I don't hate your kids, I hate your parenting". Brilliant! Because 9/10 it is down to the parenting or usually lack of.

[Obeast]

Why not divorce?
Being so miserable and making your kids live with a bunch of unlikeable people for literally no reason is unnecessary.

[HebburnPokemon]

@Illpickthatup

Absolutely your choice not to parent them but that doesn't mean their dad shouldn't either. I'd just try to avoid them when they're there and make it clear to your OH that either the kids clean up after themselves or he does. I wouldn't even bother mentioning bad behaviour just leave the room or the house and let him deal with it. Go meet a friend, read a book in your room, go the gym.

Love this advice - and I do try to make myself scarce as much as possible. But as an introvert and homebody, it's not easy.

My partner attempts to parent and is sometimes successful. But will very often get irritable because of their kids, which heightens the eggshelly vibe that I have no choice but soak up. I can never relax when they're here.

[Illpickthatup]

@Obeast

Why not divorce?
Being so miserable and making your kids live with a bunch of unlikeable people for literally no reason is unnecessary.

She's obviously with her OH for a reason. The kids won't be there forever. Maybe he's a great husband, just a shit parent.

[EG94]

@Illpickthatup

I'm sorry what? Did he want to live in a tent or something?

I don’t follow?