I have two kids, not we have three

[Cherryberrybonbon]

My partner bumped into an old friend today, not seen since school, conversation is going as it does and friend says is this your little one? Partner says yes I’ve got 2 my other one is older now, I’m stood there mouth drops open and have to walk off because the reality is we have 3. My partner has been in my sons life for 7 of his 12 years, we have another child between us, we live as a family of 4 with my step son spending every other weekend with us. My son doesn’t see his biological father and hasn’t done throughout our relationship, he and my partner get along, he financially provides for him and does the dad part in terms of telling him when he needs to be told, takes him places etc
He has really hurt my feelings, if my son was to hear him say that I know he would be heartbroken and probably react in a bad way. I treat my step son like my own, have a really good relationship with his mom and in a whole were a pretty good “blended family”. When I asked if he always said he had 2 kids he looked stunned like he was thinking oh shit and just said erm ‘it’s just you know’, clearly didn’t know what to say, now I’m in a right mood questioning our whole life together, as you do, am I been ridiculous? Now I’m thinking if he doesn’t think of him as his own, does he love him?

I am a step child to my dad and we’re closer than he is with my brother, my children are his world and he the best dad you could ask for, so I do believe you can love another persons child as your own. I love my step son and we have a great relationship, however it’s a bit different as he still has his mom and I don’t over step, and when people ask me how many I have I always say 3 because we do 🤷🏼‍♀️

https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/stepfamilies/adopting-stepchildren

If someone was to ask me how many children I have, I have three. I don't include my stepchildren in that as I have no parental responsibility, I don't parent them and if I was to split up with their father it's likely I'd never see them again. I am a parent of three children.

You don’t get to control how your partner feels about your son deep down. He’s showing up by financially supporting him and showing up for him. But you can’t force a person to love a child that isn’t biologically theirs.

YANBU at all. I’d have been extremely hurt by this. We are a blended family and my DH always says we have 4 kids even though he’s biological dad to 3 of them. I’d be very hurt if he said 3. Your poor son - glad he didn’t hear the man he thinks of as his his dad say this.

Ignore the predictable posters who like to stick the knife in and make people feel stupid,

@Cherryberrybonbon I can understand why you're upset.

im not sure there's a 'correct' answer to this question though.

However, I think you need to talk to him, explain how it has made you feel & ask how he actually feels about your DS. Ask him if would have said that if DS was with you & ask how he thinks DS would have felt about that.

it needs a proper discussion though, not just one where you tell him off!

It's possible to love a child without seeing them as your own. I love my nieces and nephews but not the same way I love my own children.

It think it's possible to be a good stepdad - and it sounds like he is - without seeing your stepchild as your own.

I agree with this! With blended families I think a lot of people answer differently depending on who they're talking to and the context.

He's showing how he feels about your son through his actions x

I always say I have one child and 2 stepchildren. I don't mean any harm by it and they stepchildren are aware they aren't my children. The fact your son's dad isn't in the picture doesn't mean this man is his replacement dad.

I understand why you’re upset despite not being a mum or stepmom. It didn’t need to be a big discussion about your family structure, you and DS just needed him to say he has three children. To feel validated and not erased.

it wasn’t even about the conversation. What he said exposed feelings you weren’t aware of and you are disappointed.

despite a lot of comments, it is ok to be disappointed DH doesn’t consider your son to be one of his children. Some step parents like to maintain a distinction, you don’t.

So if you split up, would he have access and care for your son 50/50 or every other weekend or whatever? If not, then it isn't exactly the same as a blood child/adopted child is it? His relationship with your son is dependent on his relationship with you.

But I agree he should say "I have two children and a lovely stepson."

Please don't overthink what could be nothing. If I was out with DD and saw an someone I hadn't seen in years I'm not going to pull SS into the conversation. Unless it's relevant I'll answer that question depending on who is asking including 'yes 1 child, 2 children or 1 daughter and 1 step'. It's all about context and in that situation for polite chit chat its easier to just focus on the child that's there

It’s been some time since this was posted. I don’t think the OP is returning…..

If I’m reading it correctly, he has been in your son’s life since he was 5, and he’s 12 now?

I think it’s very complicated. He hasn’t really said or done anything wrong - he DOES have 2 children, but I understand why you are upset. At least your ds wasn’t there to hear it.

@Cherryberrybonbon sorry people but if this had been the step mum saying that she had two kids when in fact she had 2 kids plus step kid, you would all have shot her down!!!